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Thursday, March 31, 2005

Mapes' Manuscript Forged!

You heard it here first, unimpeachable sources have told us that Mary Mapes' manuscript, "The Other Side of the Story," to be published by St. Martin's Press for an undisclosed 6 figure advance, has been forged.

"I can't believe this has happened to me again," she told us, "This is a conspiracy, I'll bet that bastard KKK Karl is behind it."

Mapes said she handed the manuscript to a bike messenger named Rosa who was to deliver it to the St. Martin's Press office. However, records at St. Martin's show it did not arrive after 15 minutes as it should have, but it took the messenger 2 hours to deliver the manuscript. It was during this period Mapes believes the messenger switched her manuscript with the forged one.

"The forged manuscript says ridiculous things, like 'Bush is the worst president ever.' I would never say that! That would mean I'm biased!" she explained. "All my life I have fought for truth. I target Democrats as well. Like that one time I ... well there was the other time I ... nevermind I don't have to defend myself.

"For five years I looked into George Bush's history at the guard because there is a real story there. The only reason I can't find anything is because Karl Rove has spent the past 30 years hiding the facts. This is not at all like the Swift Boat Vets hating Kerry and making up lies. This is real, not made up by hatemongers and liars."

"We are tired of these constant forgeries by the right trying to make us look bad," said Dan Rather in a rare post-anchor interview. "It was bad enough with the national guard memos, that Karl Rove forged just to make us look stupid. And now last week they forged a GOP Memo that showed the Republicans were fighting to keep Terri Schiavo alive only for political gain. Now we know that memo was forged. And as usual, it looks like a Democrat did it, when in reality we know Karl Rove forged it so that we would again look like we hated the Republicans so much we were willing to lie."

"Even the Iraq-Nigerian connection memos are now looking like they were forged by Democrats. So now the Republicans can use this to say Bush never lied! That Rove is so evil!

"See how his lies are layer upon layer? What a genius! He's been planning this since the early 90s, which also proves the 2000 election was a fraud because how could he have made all these things happen in the past unless he knew for sure Bush Jr. would get elected?

"Why oh why are we targeted? We only want to report the truth to the people. I am not biased; I have Republican friends. Really. So where do they get the idea that I am biased? It's not my fault Rove keeps forging documents and making them look like Democrats forged them. I'm just trying to expose the truth. Which means I have to ignore the lies that that the 'forensic experts' tell us, because even they have been fooled by Rove's crack team of document forgers. I have to ignore the facts on the surface and look deeper."

"We were going to publish this but now we probably aren't," said Bob Terwell of St. Martin's Press, "we wanted an expose on how Mapes was framed by the evil Karl Rove propaganda machine, but this is obviously a forgery. We knew it was a forgery the second we saw the words 'Republicans are evil selfish rich lying bastards' because knew she would never say anything like that. I mean, sure Republicans don't care about the poor or middle class, and sure they want oil and are willing to kill Americans to get it, but that does not make them selfish rich evil lying bastards, after all, we are not biased.

"We demand the FBI investigate this and drop that silly investigation alleging that ten thousand dead who voted for Kerry in Milwaukee, as if that ever happened. But of course they probably won't, since they are biased and are the thugs of Bush."