Please Visit the new location for this site!: http://www.eyesontheballnews.com We will soon be automatically redirecting you.
More posts at new site
We have more posts at the new site.
Including insights into the battle between cats and Wisconsin hunters. We'll embed our own reporters into this war to bring you the true horrible details of this violent confrontation.
http://www.eyesontheballnews.comComing soon, interviews with the cat crusaders themselves as they wage their war on songbirds and hunting dogs.
New URL Coming
We finally broke down and got our own domain and MT so we can use trackbacks and soon better comment software. Over the weekend we'll be upgrading the new site.
It will be located at:
http://www.eyesontheballnews.comWe just wanted to let all the spiders know.
Our latest article
CBS Pinch Hits For Sgrena, can only be found there!
Tax: What Is It Good For?
Absolutely a lot!
It's time for an educational piece here at Eyes On The Ball. Since it's tax season, what better subject than to help inform our readers where their taxes go and what benefit they get out of it.
First of all, did you know that 70% of your tax dollars goes to lawyers? That's right! First there is government waste, that sucks up 50% of all tax dollars in administration overhead. Much of that administration, such as congress, their aides, etc, is performed by lawyers. Alternatively, you can think of 50% of your dollars being spent on Bob's new office chair.
Then there is Medicare, which is 30% of our GNP. About 20% of Medicare goes to pay doctors, hospitals, etc. The rest all goes to pay lawyers and accountants who work in managed insurance companies. Just think how great it will be when we have universal health care and our government is one giant HMO!
That is most of the money you pay in taxes. What are the benefits of these taxes?
Taxes discourage people from becoming "entrepreneurs," which is a fancy way of saying "people who think they're better than you." These people, like the rest of us, have been born into a certain station in life. But no, that's not good enough for them. They want to be "rich" - the selfish bastards. But taxes make it harder for them to snub the rest of us.
Taxes have an increased benefit of getting rid of smarty pants people who are always acting better than you. Consider France, where taxes are even higher. France recently reported that their cancer researchers are all
moving to America, because of the lower cost of research and lower taxes. Reportedly all over Europe medical researchers move to America and have been doing it a long time. This makes the Europeans very happy, since those researchers were always going around telling people what to do, bringing up "statistics" in their conversations, and generally making everyone else feel small.
Taxes also keep the dirty rich from buying yachts, since that's all they'll do with the money anyway. And when all the little businesses that depend on boat sales, just like car sales, go out of business, they'll have Medicare, which means more money for lawyers! Hooray!
Taxes make the rich richer and the poor poorer. How do they do this, you ask? Just consider the death tax. If some poor schmoe inheriteds a business, the owner has already paid taxes on those earnings. But when Joe Schmoe gets it, it's taxed again. But because taxes on say, a $2 million business (which might generate a $80,000 salary for the owner, plus employ a dozen people) are in the hundreds of thousands of dollars, Joe must sell the business. Who will you sell it to? Someone with less money? No, someone with more money than him of course! So you, who are already rich, can buy the business and you get all that new income, while Joe loses the income and has to pay taxes with the money you paid him. Hooray! You who were rich, are now richer because of taxes!
Finally, just think about all the accountants and lawyers who make a living because of taxes and regulations. Without them, all those poor people would be out of work.
So when you pay your taxes tommorrow, remember - those taxes are buying a new Mustang for some lawyer's kid, and also keeping those smug people who want to be rich from getting ahead of you.
This Day In History 1: Pony Express IM
Here at Eyes On The Ball we like to look back in history to see what people were thinking. Recently we found a time capsule from the year 1840. In this time capsule were predictions for the future. We bring you one such prediction.
We'd like to thank the Sketch Therapy class of Jerk Alert Productions taught by Phil Mottaz for help compiling this article.
Pony Express Instant Messaging
In the future everyone will have their own Pony Express rider, or even several. This will make communication seem almost instant! Here is a scenario we envision, involving two friends, Crazy Guns Howard and Wild Will, who are both living in the year 1999.
Rider 1 and Rider 2 are standing beside Howard as he writes at his desk. Crazy Guns Howard is a banker, and he is taking a break from a hard days work giving loans to farmers, and protecting the people's money from robbers. That is why he has two Pony Express riders.
Howard (speaking to self as he writes): Hey Will what's up?
Howard hands paper to Rider 1. Rider 1 takes off! He runs out the door, jumps on his horse, and rides like crazy to next door to where Wild Will works. He ties up his horse and runs inside.
Wild Will is busy at work, he runs a printing press, where he is printing up leaflets to mobilize the South against further Northern enroachment into other people's business. Standing next to him is Rider 3.
Wild Will is so buy, he ignores the rider, who just leaves the paper at Will's desk and then rides back to Crazy Gun's bank.
Crazy Gun Howard goes through some bank ledgers for awhile, and notices the rider didn't come back with a note. So he writes up another note.
Howard (speaking to self as he writes): Hello? Busy?
He hands the note to the rider. Rider 1 takes off! He runs out the door, jumps on his horse, and rides like crazy to next door to where Wild Will works. He ties up his horse and runs inside.
Rider 1 drops the note off at Wild Will's desk. Wild will sighs with annoyance.
Will (speaking out loud to self as he writes reply): I'm busy printing up leaflets. The North is trying to push us around. I M H O there's gonna be a war soon.
Will hands the note back to Rider 1 who takes off back to Crazy Gun Howard's bank, and hands the note to Howard. Howard reads it and begins writing a reply.
Howard: L O L! They wouldn't dare if they are smart! Hey wanna go catch a burlesque show later?
While he is waiting, Will decides to write another note back to Crazy Gun Howard.
Will: Wanna do some gambling tonight?
Will hands his note to Rider 3, at the same time Howard hands his note to Rider 2. They both race past each other to deliver their notes. Both Will and Howard read their notes at the same time.
Howard writes a response: Sure, if you don't want to see the show, gambling is ok.
He hands the note back to Rider 3.
At the same time, Will writes: Yeah, the show sounds better than gambling. I hear Sultry Sue is in town this week.
Will hands the note back to Rider 2.
Both Pony Express riders jump on their horses, passing each other as they race back to deliver their messages.
Howard and Will both realize they crossed paths and laugh to themselves. Then at the same time they both write responses to each other:
They both write the same thing: L O L Let's just go to the cathouse.
And hand the notes off to their riders who race back to deliver it. When they receive the notes, they both smile and nod approvingly.
Suddenly, a fourth rider enters Will's workplace. Will recognizes it as the personal Pony Express Instant Message rider of his girlfriend, Betty Sue. He dives under his desk hoping the rider hasn't seen him yet.
Rider 4 looks around and doesn't see him. "I guess he's away from his desk" he says to himself, "his girlfriend sure will be disappointed." He leaves the message on the desk and walks back out.
Will peeks above the desk realizing he is gone. "Whew that was a close one."
Will pens another message to Howard: You did not just try to message me did you? I had to pretend I was away because Betty Sue's messenger arrived.
He hands the note off to his rider, who races next door to the bank. Howard takes the message and reads it.
He starts to write a reply, when suddenly another fifth Pony Express rider pops up out from behind another desk at the bank.
"Hey, you shouldn't be back here, you broke in!" Howard shouts reaching for his guns at his hips.
The fifth rider doesn't hand him a note, instead starts talking very loudly to no one in particular. "If you can see me, then your bank is not secure. You need Anti Rustler 2000 to stop seeing these unwanted message-"
Just then Howard plugs the unwanted messenger full of lead, and he falls dead. He spins his shooting irons on his fingers and then as he puts them back in his holsters, says "thanks Popup Killer and Spaminator". Howard loves to talk to his guns.
He writes back to Will: The Cathouse sounds good. I need to get some better security, another damn messenger popped in. See you at 8 o clock. L eight R.
He hands the note to one of his riders who races over to the press.
Will reads it, and writes back: L eight R.
Will hands the note back and goes back to work.
When Howard receives the note, he nods, and goes back to work.
That is what the future will be like. The days of waiting for mail will be no more, as messages will be sent almost instantly, thanks to Personal Pony Express.
Annoying Behavior Targetting By Lawmakers
Lawmakers thrilled with the harsh
9 year sentence imposed on Jeremy Jaynes for spamming are set to introduce a new set of laws that will make annoying behavior a felony.
"Nine years may seem like a long time for sending junk email," said Prosecutor Lisa Hicks-Thomas, "but think of the annoyance of having to click through all those emails. Is any sentence harsh enough? I don't think so."
Because of the success of this law, lawmakers all across America are passing new anti-annoyance statutes that go farther than the old noise based public disturbance laws.
One such law includes California's new bill that makes it a crime to proselytize Christianity. Any Christian found trying to convert another, or even any Protestant Christian trying to convert a Catholic, will be fined $100,000 and be sentenced from 5 to 10 years in jail. There is no fine planned for any other religion, however.
In Texas, a similar law is in place that will assess jail terms against anyone who says the government should raise taxes or give more money to welfare. Reportedly the entire city of Austin is already behind bars.
Everyone is jumping on the bandwagon. Fat Acceptance America has successfully lobbied in Illinois, where Chicago is named the "heaviest city in America," to assess criminal penalties against anyone who works out in public, since this annoys fat people. Similarly, Lose It Or Move It, a national health conscious group, also lobbied for a law that will prohibit fat people from complaining about their weight while not doing anything about it. Both penalties include a minimum 10 years in jail.
"Fat people have a real hard time," said Risa Brye of Fat Acceptance America, "I'm sick of driving and seeing people jogging on the corner waiting for the light - trying to keep their heartrate up. Puh-leeze! All those damn skinny judgmental people will have to now gain weight or go to jail. Finally everyone will be equal."
"Is there anything more annoying than some fat chick who constantly complains about her weight, while consuming beer and pizza?" said Chris Trisportus of Lose it or Move it, "Or worse, saying 'I tried every diet' when she really means she tried them all only for a month and kept quitting? Finally we may get some peace from the constant whining of those who refuse to accept responsibility for their own behavior."
When we asked him about the impact of the new no-workouts-in-public law, he said "We predict a rise in shin splints as we have to move to all indoor sports, but we are retaliating by introducing a new law against chewing with your mouth open. That one is only going to be a five year sentence, but the funny thing is we don't eat out anyway since we have to weigh and measure everything, so the joke's on them."
Of course, many people find talk about the war annoying. In most "blue" states, anyone caught supporting the war is immediately drafted into the Army and sent over to volunteer. "Let them go fight if they're so pro war" said one protestor.
Conversely, in "red" states, laws have been passed stating that anyone speaking in public against the war be immediately shipped off to the Sudan or Ivory Coast to make peace via pacifist methods. They are allowed to return after 2 weeks - that is, if they are still alive.
Two Bored Englishman, a Phone, and a Deus Ex Machina
CAST
GUY 1: Englishman
GUY 2: Englishman
(sitting on couches in living room)
GUY 1
This is boring
guy 2
Yep, this is boring
guy 1
This is almost as boring as that Young Ones sketch
GuY 2
Yep, this is really boring
GUY 1
I think it’s time to pontificate upon the price of oil
GUY 2
Yes, let us preach to each other
guy 1
Oil is too high. It’s all Venezuala’s fault
GUY 2
Or more specifically, Chavez the leader of Venezuala.
GUY 1
Yes, that guy
GUY 2
Yes
GUY 1
He is a ruthless dictator oppressing his people
GUY 2
Yes, he is
GUY 1
Don’t you have a voice of your own?
GUY 2
Aren’t we running out of time?
GUY 1
Yes, I think we are
guy 2
Yes, quite
guy 1
Well now what?
guy 2
Well let’s read the mail
(phone rings)
guy 1
Hold on then, I’ve got a call
(picks up phone)
Hello? Yes? Yes?
(hands phone to GUY 2)
Here, it’s for you
GUY 2
Hello? Hello? Uh huh. Uh huh.
(listens to phone for a few minutes)
All right then. Sorry, wrong number.
guy 1
Who was it, then?
Guy 2
Don’t know, didn’t ask, wrong number you know.
GUY 1
I thought it was probably a wrong number
guy 2
Yes, you thought correctly.
guy 1
Well now, what’s that?
(large chariot comes out of sky)
guy 2
It looks like some sort of mechanized chariot
guy 1
Just in time to save this sketch, in my opinion
guy 2
Yes, quite.
guy 1
Where do you suppose it goes?
guy 2
Don’t know. Shall we?
guy 1
After you
guy 2
No, after you
guy 1
Age before Beauty
guy 2
Brains before Braun
guy 1
Well thank you, I have been working out
guy 2
So I noticed
guy 1
Well, on to this chariot, then
(they get on)
guy 2
How do we get started?
guy 1
I think we press this button here
guy 2
Well, only one way to find out, isn’t there?
guy 1
Yes, I’m pressing the button ... now
(GUY 1 presses button. Chariot flys away.)
(exeunt)
Pacifists For Tyranny Deface Medal Of Honor Monument
Peace activists
defaced the
Medal of Honor Memorial in Indianapolis last week, taking credit for the action was Bob Ostrich, president of Pacifists For Tyranny. Bob explained his reasoning to us:
"War is bad. I'd rather not be free to say these things, than to have to actually
fight for my freedom. Someone might get hurt! After all if you don't fight evil, it won't bother fighting back. Obviously no one will get killed if we refuse to fight!
"Look at the millions dying now in Zimbabwe, or people in Venezuela now. None of them have to die. If we stopped encouraging people to fight tyranny then they wouldn't die! Is freedom really worth more than your life? Quality of life is not important, unless you're retarded or ill, then you are better off dead. But dying for freedom?
"That is why we had to deface the memorial. Because all those men were wrong and evildoers. They could have resisted, gone to Canada, but they did not. Which makes them just as guilty as our Right wing leaders. When will our nation realize how bad and selfish we are and start listening to the rest of the world?
"Give us liberty or give us tyranny!"
