Eyes On The Ball News

New URL Coming

2005-04-14T23:33:00.000-05:00

We finally broke down and got our own domain and MT so we can use trackbacks and soon better comment software. Over the weekend we'll be upgrading the new site.

It will be located at:

http://www.eyesontheballnews.com

We just wanted to let all the spiders know.

Our latest article CBS Pinch Hits For Sgrena, can only be found there!

Tax: What Is It Good For?

2005-04-14T09:06:00.000-05:00

Absolutely a lot!

It's time for an educational piece here at Eyes On The Ball. Since it's tax season, what better subject than to help inform our readers where their taxes go and what benefit they get out of it.

First of all, did you know that 70% of your tax dollars goes to lawyers? That's right! First there is government waste, that sucks up 50% of all tax dollars in administration overhead. Much of that administration, such as congress, their aides, etc, is performed by lawyers. Alternatively, you can think of 50% of your dollars being spent on Bob's new office chair.

Then there is Medicare, which is 30% of our GNP. About 20% of Medicare goes to pay doctors, hospitals, etc. The rest all goes to pay lawyers and accountants who work in managed insurance companies. Just think how great it will be when we have universal health care and our government is one giant HMO!

That is most of the money you pay in taxes. What are the benefits of these taxes?

Taxes discourage people from becoming "entrepreneurs," which is a fancy way of saying "people who think they're better than you." These people, like the rest of us, have been born into a certain station in life. But no, that's not good enough for them. They want to be "rich" - the selfish bastards. But taxes make it harder for them to snub the rest of us.

Taxes have an increased benefit of getting rid of smarty pants people who are always acting better than you. Consider France, where taxes are even higher. France recently reported that their cancer researchers are all moving to America, because of the lower cost of research and lower taxes. Reportedly all over Europe medical researchers move to America and have been doing it a long time. This makes the Europeans very happy, since those researchers were always going around telling people what to do, bringing up "statistics" in their conversations, and generally making everyone else feel small.

Taxes also keep the dirty rich from buying yachts, since that's all they'll do with the money anyway. And when all the little businesses that depend on boat sales, just like car sales, go out of business, they'll have Medicare, which means more money for lawyers! Hooray!

Taxes make the rich richer and the poor poorer. How do they do this, you ask? Just consider the death tax. If some poor schmoe inheriteds a business, the owner has already paid taxes on those earnings. But when Joe Schmoe gets it, it's taxed again. But because taxes on say, a $2 million business (which might generate a $80,000 salary for the owner, plus employ a dozen people) are in the hundreds of thousands of dollars, Joe must sell the business. Who will you sell it to? Someone with less money? No, someone with more money than him of course! So you, who are already rich, can buy the business and you get all that new income, while Joe loses the income and has to pay taxes with the money you paid him. Hooray! You who were rich, are now richer because of taxes!

Finally, just think about all the accountants and lawyers who make a living because of taxes and regulations. Without them, all those poor people would be out of work.

So when you pay your taxes tommorrow, remember - those taxes are buying a new Mustang for some lawyer's kid, and also keeping those smug people who want to be rich from getting ahead of you.

This Day In History 1: Pony Express IM

2005-04-13T09:43:00.000-05:00

Here at Eyes On The Ball we like to look back in history to see what people were thinking. Recently we found a time capsule from the year 1840. In this time capsule were predictions for the future. We bring you one such prediction.

We'd like to thank the Sketch Therapy class of Jerk Alert Productions taught by Phil Mottaz for help compiling this article.

Pony Express Instant Messaging

In the future everyone will have their own Pony Express rider, or even several. This will make communication seem almost instant! Here is a scenario we envision, involving two friends, Crazy Guns Howard and Wild Will, who are both living in the year 1999.

Rider 1 and Rider 2 are standing beside Howard as he writes at his desk. Crazy Guns Howard is a banker, and he is taking a break from a hard days work giving loans to farmers, and protecting the people's money from robbers. That is why he has two Pony Express riders.

Howard (speaking to self as he writes): Hey Will what's up?
Howard hands paper to Rider 1. Rider 1 takes off! He runs out the door, jumps on his horse, and rides like crazy to next door to where Wild Will works. He ties up his horse and runs inside.

Wild Will is busy at work, he runs a printing press, where he is printing up leaflets to mobilize the South against further Northern enroachment into other people's business. Standing next to him is Rider 3.

Wild Will is so buy, he ignores the rider, who just leaves the paper at Will's desk and then rides back to Crazy Gun's bank.

Crazy Gun Howard goes through some bank ledgers for awhile, and notices the rider didn't come back with a note. So he writes up another note.

Howard (speaking to self as he writes): Hello? Busy?
He hands the note to the rider. Rider 1 takes off! He runs out the door, jumps on his horse, and rides like crazy to next door to where Wild Will works. He ties up his horse and runs inside.

Rider 1 drops the note off at Wild Will's desk. Wild will sighs with annoyance.

Will (speaking out loud to self as he writes reply): I'm busy printing up leaflets. The North is trying to push us around. I M H O there's gonna be a war soon.

Will hands the note back to Rider 1 who takes off back to Crazy Gun Howard's bank, and hands the note to Howard. Howard reads it and begins writing a reply.

Howard: L O L! They wouldn't dare if they are smart! Hey wanna go catch a burlesque show later?

While he is waiting, Will decides to write another note back to Crazy Gun Howard.

Will: Wanna do some gambling tonight?

Will hands his note to Rider 3, at the same time Howard hands his note to Rider 2. They both race past each other to deliver their notes. Both Will and Howard read their notes at the same time.

Howard writes a response: Sure, if you don't want to see the show, gambling is ok.
He hands the note back to Rider 3.

At the same time, Will writes: Yeah, the show sounds better than gambling. I hear Sultry Sue is in town this week.
Will hands the note back to Rider 2.

Both Pony Express riders jump on their horses, passing each other as they race back to deliver their messages.

Howard and Will both realize they crossed paths and laugh to themselves. Then at the same time they both write responses to each other:
They both write the same thing: L O L Let's just go to the cathouse.
And hand the notes off to their riders who race back to deliver it. When they receive the notes, they both smile and nod approvingly.

Suddenly, a fourth rider enters Will's workplace. Will recognizes it as the personal Pony Express Instant Message rider of his girlfriend, Betty Sue. He dives under his desk hoping the rider hasn't seen him yet.

Rider 4 looks around and doesn't see him. "I guess he's away from his desk" he says to himself, "his girlfriend sure will be disappointed." He leaves the message on the desk and walks back out.

Will peeks above the desk realizing he is gone. "Whew that was a close one."

Will pens another message to Howard: You did not just try to message me did you? I had to pretend I was away because Betty Sue's messenger arrived.

He hands the note off to his rider, who races next door to the bank. Howard takes the message and reads it.

He starts to write a reply, when suddenly another fifth Pony Express rider pops up out from behind another desk at the bank.

"Hey, you shouldn't be back here, you broke in!" Howard shouts reaching for his guns at his hips.

The fifth rider doesn't hand him a note, instead starts talking very loudly to no one in particular. "If you can see me, then your bank is not secure. You need Anti Rustler 2000 to stop seeing these unwanted message-"

Just then Howard plugs the unwanted messenger full of lead, and he falls dead. He spins his shooting irons on his fingers and then as he puts them back in his holsters, says "thanks Popup Killer and Spaminator". Howard loves to talk to his guns.

He writes back to Will: The Cathouse sounds good. I need to get some better security, another damn messenger popped in. See you at 8 o clock. L eight R.
He hands the note to one of his riders who races over to the press.

Will reads it, and writes back: L eight R.
Will hands the note back and goes back to work.

When Howard receives the note, he nods, and goes back to work.

That is what the future will be like. The days of waiting for mail will be no more, as messages will be sent almost instantly, thanks to Personal Pony Express.

Annoying Behavior Targetting By Lawmakers

2005-04-11T14:36:00.000-05:00

Lawmakers thrilled with the harsh 9 year sentence imposed on Jeremy Jaynes for spamming are set to introduce a new set of laws that will make annoying behavior a felony.

"Nine years may seem like a long time for sending junk email," said Prosecutor Lisa Hicks-Thomas, "but think of the annoyance of having to click through all those emails. Is any sentence harsh enough? I don't think so."

Because of the success of this law, lawmakers all across America are passing new anti-annoyance statutes that go farther than the old noise based public disturbance laws.

One such law includes California's new bill that makes it a crime to proselytize Christianity. Any Christian found trying to convert another, or even any Protestant Christian trying to convert a Catholic, will be fined $100,000 and be sentenced from 5 to 10 years in jail. There is no fine planned for any other religion, however.

In Texas, a similar law is in place that will assess jail terms against anyone who says the government should raise taxes or give more money to welfare. Reportedly the entire city of Austin is already behind bars.

Everyone is jumping on the bandwagon. Fat Acceptance America has successfully lobbied in Illinois, where Chicago is named the "heaviest city in America," to assess criminal penalties against anyone who works out in public, since this annoys fat people. Similarly, Lose It Or Move It, a national health conscious group, also lobbied for a law that will prohibit fat people from complaining about their weight while not doing anything about it. Both penalties include a minimum 10 years in jail.

"Fat people have a real hard time," said Risa Brye of Fat Acceptance America, "I'm sick of driving and seeing people jogging on the corner waiting for the light - trying to keep their heartrate up. Puh-leeze! All those damn skinny judgmental people will have to now gain weight or go to jail. Finally everyone will be equal."

"Is there anything more annoying than some fat chick who constantly complains about her weight, while consuming beer and pizza?" said Chris Trisportus of Lose it or Move it, "Or worse, saying 'I tried every diet' when she really means she tried them all only for a month and kept quitting? Finally we may get some peace from the constant whining of those who refuse to accept responsibility for their own behavior."

When we asked him about the impact of the new no-workouts-in-public law, he said "We predict a rise in shin splints as we have to move to all indoor sports, but we are retaliating by introducing a new law against chewing with your mouth open. That one is only going to be a five year sentence, but the funny thing is we don't eat out anyway since we have to weigh and measure everything, so the joke's on them."

Of course, many people find talk about the war annoying. In most "blue" states, anyone caught supporting the war is immediately drafted into the Army and sent over to volunteer. "Let them go fight if they're so pro war" said one protestor.

Conversely, in "red" states, laws have been passed stating that anyone speaking in public against the war be immediately shipped off to the Sudan or Ivory Coast to make peace via pacifist methods. They are allowed to return after 2 weeks - that is, if they are still alive.

The Week In Pictures 11

2005-04-08T09:35:00.000-05:00

"Honey, remember when you said 'When Pigs fly?' ... "

Some troops are paid so poorly they are forced to shop at The Dollar Store

The USS Mensa, displaying its giant plus sign, is seen on Lake Michigan sailing to help rescue failing Chicago schools.

When jockeys go on strike.

Bubba, the recently reactivated 2nd Stormtrooper from the left, hopes the other guys don't notice all the weight he's put on since the last time they were on active duty.

Seeking to dissuade China from its recent rhetoric, President Bush demonstrates his Ear Wiggling Technique at the Kung Fu festival in Taiwan.

"You must be at least this tall to become President"

Youth, Seniors, what about the middle aged?

Two Bored Englishman, a Phone, and a Deus Ex Machina

2005-04-06T14:42:00.000-05:00

CAST

GUY 1: Englishman

GUY 2: Englishman

(sitting on couches in living room)

GUY 1

This is boring

guy 2

Yep, this is boring

guy 1

This is almost as boring as that Young Ones sketch

GuY 2

Yep, this is really boring

GUY 1

I think it’s time to pontificate upon the price of oil

GUY 2

Yes, let us preach to each other

guy 1

Oil is too high. It’s all Venezuala’s fault

GUY 2

Or more specifically, Chavez the leader of Venezuala.

GUY 1

Yes, that guy

GUY 2

Yes

GUY 1

He is a ruthless dictator oppressing his people

GUY 2

Yes, he is

GUY 1

Don’t you have a voice of your own?

GUY 2

Aren’t we running out of time?

GUY 1

Yes, I think we are

guy 2

Yes, quite

guy 1

Well now what?

guy 2

Well let’s read the mail

(phone rings)

guy 1

Hold on then, I’ve got a call

(picks up phone)

Hello? Yes? Yes?

(hands phone to GUY 2)

Here, it’s for you

GUY 2

Hello? Hello? Uh huh. Uh huh.

(listens to phone for a few minutes)

All right then. Sorry, wrong number.

guy 1

Who was it, then?

Guy 2

Don’t know, didn’t ask, wrong number you know.

GUY 1

I thought it was probably a wrong number

guy 2

Yes, you thought correctly.

guy 1

Well now, what’s that?

(large chariot comes out of sky)

guy 2

It looks like some sort of mechanized chariot

guy 1

Just in time to save this sketch, in my opinion

guy 2

Yes, quite.

guy 1

Where do you suppose it goes?

guy 2

Don’t know. Shall we?

guy 1

After you

guy 2

No, after you

guy 1

Age before Beauty

guy 2

Brains before Braun

guy 1

Well thank you, I have been working out

guy 2

So I noticed

guy 1

Well, on to this chariot, then

(they get on)

guy 2

How do we get started?

guy 1

I think we press this button here

guy 2

Well, only one way to find out, isn’t there?

guy 1

Yes, I’m pressing the button ... now

(GUY 1 presses button. Chariot flys away.)

(exeunt)

Pacifists For Tyranny Deface Medal Of Honor Monument

2005-04-04T14:56:00.000-05:00

Peace activists defaced the Medal of Honor Memorial in Indianapolis last week, taking credit for the action was Bob Ostrich, president of Pacifists For Tyranny. Bob explained his reasoning to us:

"War is bad. I'd rather not be free to say these things, than to have to actually fight for my freedom. Someone might get hurt! After all if you don't fight evil, it won't bother fighting back. Obviously no one will get killed if we refuse to fight!

"Look at the millions dying now in Zimbabwe, or people in Venezuela now. None of them have to die. If we stopped encouraging people to fight tyranny then they wouldn't die! Is freedom really worth more than your life? Quality of life is not important, unless you're retarded or ill, then you are better off dead. But dying for freedom?

"That is why we had to deface the memorial. Because all those men were wrong and evildoers. They could have resisted, gone to Canada, but they did not. Which makes them just as guilty as our Right wing leaders. When will our nation realize how bad and selfish we are and start listening to the rest of the world?

"Give us liberty or give us tyranny!"

Terri Schiavo Wanted Us to Have A Million Dollars

2005-04-01T08:50:00.000-06:00

Dear Mr. Michael Schiavo,

We are sorry to hear of your wife's recent demise. This may seem like a bad time, but we suddenly remembered she once wrote to us and told us that if she ever passed away, and you had a million dollars awarded to you, she wanted us to have it.

Our senior editor Pluto's Dad remembers the conversation very well. It was over drinks at the Mahi-Tiki restaurant in Orlando, Florida. You were out of town that weekend, and she wanted to meet our editor to discuss life and death issues, since those were her favorite topic and talked about them all the time.

She seemed very upset that you might end up with too much money, she believed money was corrupting and would be bad for you. She wanted you to be comfortable, but not too comfortable, you know what we mean?

We are sorry we didn't remember this until now, but it just suddenly came to us. I guess with all the hubbub we just plumb forgot! I'm sure you understand. You yourself forgot your wife wanted to die for several years, then suddenly remembered once you received the judgement for 1.6 million. Just like you suddenly remembered she wanted to be cremated after her parents asked for an autopsy.

Yeah, Terri really loved discussing all the things that should happen after she died, didn't she? We cannot believe we forgot it all, but now that you bring these things up, we remember that you could not shut her up about death. Like that one time you two and Pluto's Dad were walking down the street, and she saw an old man with a cold and said "he's going to die of pneumonia". Then later that same day we passed by that old woman with a walker, and she said "if I ever need a walker, just put me down, I don't want to live like that."

Yeah, those were the days.

So... When can we expect our check?

Hundreds of Appeals Overturned

2005-04-01T08:08:00.000-06:00

"Trust the courts" say Democrats

A new wave of trust in our judicial system has been sweeping the ranks of the Democratic party. It all started with the controversial Terri Schiavo case, but has reached into every corner of society.

"We need to trust that findings of facts in trial courts are correct," said Al Sharpton in a press conference today. "The idea that there is injustice against black people is ludicrous, just as the idea that a rich person being able to hire better lawyers affects the outcome of a trial is ludicrous. Justice is blind, everyone knows that."

"I regret ever letting all those criminals go," said Republican George Ryan, former Governor of Illinois. Ryan became famous, and the poster boy for criminal litigation reform, when he let over 171 prisoners on death row go; not because DNA exonerated them, as is widely believed, but because his team of fact finders believed them and felt sorry for them. "Who was I to overturn convictions and pardon people? I mean come on! Are we really supposed to believe that a 250 lb guy was forced to kill his 120 lb girlfriend in self defense? Come on! Do I look stupid?"

This week thousands of people protested in Chicago against letting almost 200 black criminals go. The protests were led by the NAACP. "The trial court said they were guilty, so they are guilty!" said NAACP Chairman Julian Bond. "Who are we to question the courts?"

Thousands of African American protesters chanted "Put 'em back in jail! Blackie gets no bail!" and "Our danger has grown bigger, since you freed those n***"

In response, all across Illinois, those same 171 former prisoners are being arrested and thrown back in jail, their commutations overturned by Democratic IL Governor Rod Blagojevich. "We have to get these guys back in jail," he said, "the original findings of fact must stand. That is how our system works, we need to respect it. If we start believing that trial courts make mistakes it will all break down. Then there will be anarchy."

"I am really glad this is happening," said OJ Simpson, "Maybe finally people will leave me alone, now that we know the courts are always right. I was pronounced innocent, and we all know the courts never make mistakes, especially with black defendants."

Mapes' Manuscript Forged!

2005-03-31T08:10:00.000-06:00

You heard it here first, unimpeachable sources have told us that Mary Mapes' manuscript, "The Other Side of the Story," to be published by St. Martin's Press for an undisclosed 6 figure advance, has been forged.

"I can't believe this has happened to me again," she told us, "This is a conspiracy, I'll bet that bastard KKK Karl is behind it."

Mapes said she handed the manuscript to a bike messenger named Rosa who was to deliver it to the St. Martin's Press office. However, records at St. Martin's show it did not arrive after 15 minutes as it should have, but it took the messenger 2 hours to deliver the manuscript. It was during this period Mapes believes the messenger switched her manuscript with the forged one.

"The forged manuscript says ridiculous things, like 'Bush is the worst president ever.' I would never say that! That would mean I'm biased!" she explained. "All my life I have fought for truth. I target Democrats as well. Like that one time I ... well there was the other time I ... nevermind I don't have to defend myself.

"For five years I looked into George Bush's history at the guard because there is a real story there. The only reason I can't find anything is because Karl Rove has spent the past 30 years hiding the facts. This is not at all like the Swift Boat Vets hating Kerry and making up lies. This is real, not made up by hatemongers and liars."

"We are tired of these constant forgeries by the right trying to make us look bad," said Dan Rather in a rare post-anchor interview. "It was bad enough with the national guard memos, that Karl Rove forged just to make us look stupid. And now last week they forged a GOP Memo that showed the Republicans were fighting to keep Terri Schiavo alive only for political gain. Now we know that memo was forged. And as usual, it looks like a Democrat did it, when in reality we know Karl Rove forged it so that we would again look like we hated the Republicans so much we were willing to lie."

"Even the Iraq-Nigerian connection memos are now looking like they were forged by Democrats. So now the Republicans can use this to say Bush never lied! That Rove is so evil!

"See how his lies are layer upon layer? What a genius! He's been planning this since the early 90s, which also proves the 2000 election was a fraud because how could he have made all these things happen in the past unless he knew for sure Bush Jr. would get elected?

"Why oh why are we targeted? We only want to report the truth to the people. I am not biased; I have Republican friends. Really. So where do they get the idea that I am biased? It's not my fault Rove keeps forging documents and making them look like Democrats forged them. I'm just trying to expose the truth. Which means I have to ignore the lies that that the 'forensic experts' tell us, because even they have been fooled by Rove's crack team of document forgers. I have to ignore the facts on the surface and look deeper."

"We were going to publish this but now we probably aren't," said Bob Terwell of St. Martin's Press, "we wanted an expose on how Mapes was framed by the evil Karl Rove propaganda machine, but this is obviously a forgery. We knew it was a forgery the second we saw the words 'Republicans are evil selfish rich lying bastards' because knew she would never say anything like that. I mean, sure Republicans don't care about the poor or middle class, and sure they want oil and are willing to kill Americans to get it, but that does not make them selfish rich evil lying bastards, after all, we are not biased.

"We demand the FBI investigate this and drop that silly investigation alleging that ten thousand dead who voted for Kerry in Milwaukee, as if that ever happened. But of course they probably won't, since they are biased and are the thugs of Bush."

Researchers Discover More Pain Means More Euphoria

2005-03-24T10:10:00.000-06:00

Now that, thanks to some of the more fair-minded and liberal press, we now know starvation and dehydration are peaceful ways to die, where your last weeks on earth are spent in a state of euphoria, Eyes On The Ball is proud to announce its affiliation with Euphoria Victories In Limbo (E.V.I.L.), a group dedicated to re-igniting the stalled death with dignity movement and stopping the Christian Right from taking away our right to die euphorically.

"The body releases endorphins naturally to deal with pain," said Dr. Ralph Schmerzmeister, pain management doctor at the Mayo Clinic and founder of Hypocrisy of Hippocrates. "This is what is colloquially known as runner's high. Endorphins are a natural painkiller, and are released in the body whenever there is pain, whether it is from inflammation due to running, or freezing, or starving.

"Therefore, by inflicting pain, you coax the body to release endorphins, inducing a state of euphoria."

Across the nation, E.V.I.L. has helped youths to form euphoria clubs, to spread the message of how euphoria can be naturally induced. We accompanied one such group walking the halls of Peoria High School. One boy ran up to a girl and smacked her on the back of the head with his Trapper Keeper.

"Hey!" she yelled, "what was that for?!"

"Just wait a second," he yelled as he ran away, "soon you will feel the rush of endorphines kick in."

"What? I never ... ooh, oh yes that feels good."

Other groups, like the KKK, have updated their mission statements. Bill Whitehead of the Southern Illinois chapter of the Klan told us "we are dedicated to helping the black man feel as euphoric as possible. If starving releases endorphines, imaging how much more endorphins, and how much more euphoria, will be released through the use of ropes or chains to cause pain."

"To die in such a state of euphoria is truly a better death than many of us will receive" said Matthew Hale, leader of Church of the Creator and currently in jail for soliciting the murder of a federal judge. "That is what the fascist Right does not understand, all we want is euphoria for everyone. And since you can't have constant euphoria, you might as well die right at the moment of greatest euphoria. Some of us have to stay behind to make sure people have the right to die. It is a tough sacrifice but I am willing to do it."

Jacques Chirac of France told us "this is why we were against interfering in Somalia and again in Zimbabwe. The media likes to show pictures of only the initial few days of suffering, it does not show the euphoria and the pleasure of the millions starving to death in Africa as we speak. They will meet a much better death starving than working in gem mines. And besides, it makes it easier to divert attention to America and to pretend France is not complicit in genocide. Wait, did I just say that out loud?"

Howard Verlierer of the Hemlock society also said "We used to counsel people to take sleeping pills, but even that is not painless but a harsh death where you asphyxiate while you are still awake. Now we see the error of our ways. We have helped several teenagers suffering from depression to throw out their medication and starve to death, we even have helped them by locking them in rooms so no one is tempted to bring them food. By all accounts, their deaths have been pain free and enlightening.

"This is even better than freezing to death. I'm going to get all my friends to try this."

Extremist Sports

2005-03-22T06:11:00.000-06:00

KYLE skater punk leader of group

BUBBA: KKK

SAIEED: Muslim fanatic

CLETUS: militia gun nut

MOONWAVE: feminazi/eco-terrorist

(groups enters skating)

KYLE

woo hoo! That was one radical halfpipe they have set up, huh guys?

Group

Yeah! Awesome! Etc

KYLE

Ok now, you guys paid for 3 days of extreme sports, so we have 2 days left. Now what do you want to do next?

MOONWAVE

Let's snowboard!

CLETUS

I wanna do some cliff climbing!

BUBBA

Lets' go beat up some Muslims!

(group is dead silent)

SAIEED

I am a Muslim, and I am very offended. We are not all bombers you know.

BUBBA

Well ok, ... let's go beat up some Jews then!

SAIEED

Ok that's cool

KYLE

What? No! No we are not beating anyone up! Now I like E's idea of snowboarding, who's up for that?

MOONWAVE

I don't feel like snowboarding anymore

CLETUS

Neither do I

KYLE

Oh great. Now see what you did? Come on guys; don't let this guy ruin it for you. You paid for 3 days, now let's do something extreme!

SAIEED

To tell the truth I don't feel like it either.

BUBBA

I still say we beat up some Jews

KYLE

Shut up! This is extreme sports! Not extremist sports!

BUBBA

What?

KYLE

I said -

BUBBA

I heard you. This sounds like false advertising

KYLE

Oh come on, who ever heard of extremist sports?

BUBBA

So we're not going to beat up gays?

MOONWAVE

(angry to B)

Hey! What’s wrong with gays?

CLETUS

Yeah, what's wrong with - oh uh, nevermind.

KYLE

No, we're not beating up gays

BUBBA

Or N**ggers?

KYLE

(looks around nervously)

No! Shut up! You wanna get us beat up? You can't say that word!

BUBBA

So, no Jews? Kites?

KYLE

No!

BUBBA

What about wetbacks? Whops? Greaseballs? Illegal immigrants of all colors?

KYLE

No! No! NO! We're here to skate, all right? Now leave or shut up!

BUBBA

That’s it! I'm out a here! This is NOT what I signed up for.

(exit B)

KYLE

"You're not getting a refund!"

(to group)

Ok finally he's gone, now we rock and roll! Now, who's up for some snowboarding?

SAIEED

So... we're not going to kill Jews?

KYLE

What? No!

CLETUS

Wait, I thought we were gonna bomb the FBI or the government? or somethin?

KYLE

What? No! Didn't I just go through this? No bombs, no killing Jews or whiteys or blacks. None of that. This is extreme SPORTS, not sports for extreme people.

MOONWAVE

(incredulous)

Well, you could have been a little more clear.

CLETUS

Yeah, you could have just said "snowboarding" or "cliff diving" or something, instead of "extreme". How are we supposed to know what "extreme" means?

MOONWAVE

Yeah it means different things to different people.

SAIEED

This sounds like the illegal tactic of bait and switch, the preferred marketing tactic of ... the Jew...

(group : sharp intake of breath, like OMG!)

SAIEED

Are you a Jew?

KYLE

No!

MOONWAVE

Why are you so defensive about it then?

KYLE

I'm not being defensive!

CLETUS

Oh yeah he's being defensive allright. What's wrong? Only got a million dollars in your bank account your daddy gave you?

SAIEED

Gonna go oppress some Palestinians tonight?

KYLE

No! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! What is wrong with you people?

MOONWAVE

Look how angry he is

CLETUS

Yeah, now who's the extreme one?

KYLE

Ok fine! We’ll have a skate off. If I can out skate the 3 of you, then you shut up about beating up Jews, and we go snowboarding. If any of you guys beat me, then we'll go beat up Jews, all right?

group:

(in Ebonics)

"aiight"

(skate off, should last about 45 seconds. do silly things, some people fall eventually it's down to A and D, D cuts A off at last second, wins)

group

Yeah! We won!

KYLE

Oh my god. Ok.. Fine. Where are some Jews we can beat up?

SAIEED

Well if you ask me, we're looking at one

(others nod)

KYLE

Wha? - -- uH ok lets -

(runs. exit KYLE. Group laughs as he runs.)

MOONWAVE

Let's go back to my Cabin. I got the new Snoop Dog CD.

OTHERS

Aiight

(exeunt)

The Flamco Barkmaster 3000

2005-03-21T14:29:00.000-06:00

(saul’s office, saul at desk)
(enter John carrying small speaker in hand, Chris behind)
CHRIS
I’m sorry sir, he just barged in, I couldn’t stop him.
SAUL
Barging into my office, eh?
JOHN
I have a complaint!
(slams device down on desk)
SAUL
I think I know what this is about, I can handle this Chris.
(Exit Chris back to her desk)
Now tell me what the problem is.
JOHN
This darn burglar scarer. It’s supposed to bark like a scary dog when a burglar comes by, but it doesn’t work.
SAUL
Really? But the Barkmaster 3000 is our best model. Let’s see.
(Saul, goes to front of desk, waves hand in front of box, activating motion detectors)
BARKMASTER 2000
Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!
SAUL
Well I don’t see the problem, it’s working fine.
JOHN
You don’t see the problem? The problem is it sounds like a tiny yippy dog! It’s supposed to sound like a big scary dog!
SAUL
Oh I disagree. That is most scary. I’m shaking right now.
(waves hand in front)
BARKMASTER 2000
Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!
(enter Chris)
CHRIS
What’s going on? I heard a vicious dog attacking you! Are you alright?
SAUL
I’m ok, thanks Chris.
CHRIS
Ok, let me know if you need anything
(exit Chris)
JOHN
Wha? … that is ridiculous. This thing doesn’t work.
SAUL
Oh … I think I understand. See, you have it set on the “friendly” setting. You have to change it to the “angry” setting.
(changes switch on box, waves hand in front)
BARKMASTER 2000
(says each “yip” lounder and holds them longer)
Yiiiiiiiipp! Yiiiiiip! Yiiiiiiip!
(Saul jumps over desk and hides behind it)
JOHN
That doesn’t even sound like a dog!
SAUL
Are you kidding? Where did that scary dog go? It was just here!
(enter chris)
CHRIS
Oh my god are you ok Saul? I heard a vicious dog!
SAUL
No, I’m ok, I think it was just that barking dog device.
CHRIS
That is sure scary! If I were a burglar, I would never try to break in a house if I heard that sound coming out.
JOHN
But I was robbed last week!
CHRIS
That’s crazy!
SAUL
You were robbed, are you sure you had the Barkmaster 3000 turned on?
JOHN
Yes, the thief even left me a note.
(pulls out note)
“I really only came in to kill your annoying yappy dog, but found this. Robbing you was just a bonus.”
CHRIS
Um.. I’d better get back to my desk.
(exit chris)
SAUL
Hmmm… I think I see the problem. We have to set this to extreme aggression.
(switches device to extreme)
Now be prepared …
(waves hand in front)
BARKING DOG MACHING
Yip ……… ee kai yay, mutha fucka!
JOHN
Wha? –
(enter chris with gun, swinging it wildly like has no idea how to use it, they both duck)
CHRIS
Don’t worry, I’ll protect you!
JOHN
Woa are you crazy!?
CHRIS
But I heard a really really vicious dog this time. It sounded like it was one of those Texan dogs
JOHN
That wasn’t even a dog! Dogs don’t talk!
SAUL
It sure sounded like a dog to me, I was scared …
(they stand there looking at each other for a moment)
ok fine you caught us, ok?. How much did they steal?
JOHN
About 500 bucks.
SAUL
Here, here’s 500 bucks. Just go.
(hands money over to john)
JOHN
Thanks for nothing. I’ll go now.
SAUL
Wait, just … don’t tell anybody about this, ok?
JOHN
Hmph.
(exit john)
CHRIS
What’s going to happen to us now, Saul?
SAUL
We make love like two wild, noisy animals, Chris.
(picks up Barkmaster 3000)
That gives me an idea. This thing records, doesn’t it?
(exeunt)

Don't Apologize - Kill Them

2005-03-19T17:32:00.000-06:00

Across Iraq there were protests following the massive terrorist attack by Jordanian terrorists. Many Iraqis protesting called in radio stations and newspapers with messages for President Bush. The main message was "don't apologize to us for our deaths. Instead, kill the terrorists."

"This is horrible, absolutely horrible," said journalist Giuliana Sgrena of Il-Manifesto. "Don't these people realize that Bush is the problem, not the insurgents? If Bush did not invade, just left Saddam in power so France and Germany could get cheap oil, then there would be no terrorist attacks. In fact, only a few thousand people a year would die in Saddam's prisons, unlike the gazillions that have died since Bush's war of aggression.

"This is just like the refugees of Fallujah, who would not listen to me when I told them the American Marines were massacring their people. They tried to enforce their view of the truth on me, that the insurgents were killing them all. Just because the refugees were there they think they know what was going on? They think they can tell me what happened? And after everything I've done for them too, trying to keep Uncie Saddam in power to protect them."

"Two wrongs don't make a right," said Sen. Ted Kennedy in a joint press conference with Sen. John Kerry, "we can't just kill terrorists because they killed. The only reason they turn to violence is because of our evil Crusade to impose Western culture on the world. Values like allowing women to vote, or allowing people to own their own farms and property. Or giving people in the third world jobs making goods for us, when they would have no jobs otherwise."

Sen. Kerry added "The fact that the Iraqi people want revenge against the terrorists is proof our evil has corrupted them. Revenge, killing, death, those are actions of Americans, not Muslims. This should be enough to convince us that we need the French, Spanish, and Italians to come take over to give the new government legitimacy and to guide the Iraqi people in a path away from violence. Because the Europeans know how to deal with terrorism, they've had terrorism for 50 years and it hasn't gone away yet. They know how to listen, and put lives first, like the lives of hostages. They don't put the 'potential' lives of people that might be kidnapped first, like our Jew controlled FBI does."

Introspection Now!, a group of musicians organized by Green Day, is heading to Iraq to teach the people there that violence is not the answer. "If I could teach them only one thing," said Billie Joe Armstrong, "it will be that it takes two to make an argument. If I have a problem with you, then in reality, I have a problem with myself. I am the problem. What is the problem in Iraq? No one is listening to the people that care the most about the Iraqi people - Al Zarqawi. He and other insurgents like him are the only ones standing up to the American Imperialist oil machine. The Iraqi people are ignoring him out of their own ignorance and prejudice against Muslims. So you see? They are the problem. If I can teach that if you are going to blame someone, blame yourself first, then I have done my duty."

The Darkies Are Better Off Without Freedom

2005-03-18T09:17:00.000-06:00

with thanks to Robert Fisk for helping with this article

Georgia and all the other former Communist states confront a nightmare today. Communism collapsed over 10 years ago, Russia is slowly pulling out it's military forces. To the outside world, this may seem a victory devoutly to be wished. But they are wrong.

Ever since the collapse of Communism one thing has clearly happened: rampant ethnic hatred had been allowed to flare up. There have been arguments, fighting, and even deaths, as people take out their righteous anger against the Jews, or not so righteous anger against other ethnic groups.

Why is this happening? It is simple, without the iron hand of Communism to control them, the people simply cannot handle their freedom. It is not just in Georgia, but in the former Yugoslavia, Checnya, and others. There are no strong stable governments to keep the people in check in this former dark corner of the Soviet Empire. Natural ethnic divisions were ignored and lines were drawn haphazardly on maps without any thought to why one group voraciously hates another living next door.

Forget Lebanon, they are screwed, we can't help them. Syria has left them to fend for themselves, to be free to no only love to but hate each other; and maybe even fight in such wonderful tourist attractions as Beirut. But the Eastern Europeans - they still have a chance.

Now we must ask ourselves, are the People of Eastern Europe really better off? How swiftly a Eastern European country which had become a bedrock of financial stability and security can fall into the abyss. People are no longer guaranteed food or jobs. Anger, hopelessness, and violence may lurk around the next corner. Is that what we want? Is that what we've waged the Cold War for? So that criminals can do bad things in Eastern Europe? Or so that neighbors may get in fights or even kill each other?

Sure they have a free press now. But some are using their freedom to remember old hatreds, and inflame the populace. Is that better? Is that what freedom is for, to speak whatever is on your mind?

Bring back the Communists, let them take control, to give order and peace to people again. For peace is all anyone really wants. What good is freedom or democracy if you don't have peace? Obviously that is more important.

Democracy Indeed.

The Week In Pictures 10

2005-03-18T07:17:00.000-06:00

Mr. Heat Miser has branched out into French telecommunications.

The new show Fox Force Six has problems besides the name.

As part of escape and evasion training, foreign police about to go to Iraq practice being sexually assaulted.

"Oooh.. next time I meet Fox gotta lay off the beans and rice."

After shilling for Democrats to try to block drilling in Alaska, polar bears sulk when they don't get the Coke they were promised.

Dog remakes of popular movies have become popular among children. Seen here is Fluffy starring in Silkwood - K9 Power.

Models being thrown out on the street is becoming an increasing problem. But to have people gawk at you as you leave is just humiliating.

"I hate it when I get squirrels caught in there!"

Bat Masterson's great granddaughter is the fastest gun in New York City.

Other golfers feel the pain of the loser in No Holds Barred Ultimate Golf.

This Mid-East scholar has found the elusive Sixth Pillar of Islam.

Men's Groups Angry With IKEA

2005-03-16T10:14:00.000-06:00

IKEA has been in trouble in the news lately for sex discrimination. It seems someone noticed that all of their instruction sheets only show pictures of men building their furniture. No women are shown participating except by holding pre-fab pieces for the men. This has caused outrage among many groups.

"We have spent a long time convincing our wives we're no good around the house," said Bob Farley, of Take Back Our Families, "Whenever our wives ask us to work on something, we either have swearing fits, or we break it, or pretend we can't figure out the instructions. Eventually, our wives have our children do it for us, or else they do it. My wife has not asked me to help around the house in nine years. We have spent a long time cultivating this stereotype that we are helpless around the house, and now IKEA is ruining it for us.

"If our wives find out we are actually capable of building IKEA furniture, and have been lying to them all this time, not only will we have to start doing chores on Sundays instead of watching football, but we will be in trouble. They will put us in the doghouse ...

"But first they'll make us build it."

IKEA has indicated it only shows men because it fears backlash by Muslim men who may be offended by stick drawings of women building furniture. Some Muslim groups are angry at the stereotype of Muslim men, and say they are not all misogynists.

Others, such as Saleem AbdAllah from Malmø, Sweden, say "I always make my wife build furniture, or work on the car. Do you think I would do that myself? I don't see what the big deal is."

Those Who Like Sausage ...

2005-03-16T08:05:00.000-06:00

Open: Back of butcher shop. Tony grinding up a person, Vinny behind him.

Vinny: Tony, you stupid patzi. I can't believe you whacked a made guy!

Tony: It wasn't my fault, Vinny! I said I was sorry

Bell rings

Vinny: Who is dat? Tony, did you not lock the front door like I asked yous to?

Tony: I thought you were gonna do it.

Vinny: Tony, you stupid screwup. Hold on while I take care of the customer.

Goes to front. Grinder gets louder, stuck on bones, etc. making Vinny nervous.

Vinny: Hey, the butcher, he's gone. We're closed.

Customer #1: Can I just have some pastrami? It's right there.

Vinny: Fine.

Vinny slices weighs and packages pastrami and gives it to customer while they continue talking.

Customer #1: (looking at bin in back of counter) Wow, that's a lot of sausage.

Vinny: Yeah, uh ... a special customer called, he uh ... he really likes sausage. Know what I'm saying? He's German, yeah. Now get outta here.

Customer #1: What do I owe you?

Vinny: It's free, now scram!

Customer #1: Thanks. (to self) he doesn't have to be so rude.

exit customer. Vinny goes to back room

Vinny: How's it comin

Bell rings

Vinny: Hold on I gotta take care of dis customer

goes to front, british guy there

Customer #2: Where have you been, my good man? I've been waiting for yonks. I'll take some of those wee sausages. Your sausages are really the dog's bollocks, did you know. What a minute - what is that?

Vinny: What is what?

Customer #2 walks around to back of counter to look in back room, while Vinny first tries to block him, then gives up and positions himself behind customer.

Customer #2: I think I see a person back there. Yes, yes he's grinding up a person! Quickly! Call the bobbies!

Vinny takes sap out of back pocket and whacks customer on head. customer falls. Vinny drags customer to back room.

Vinny: I gotta another one ta get rid of for ya.

Tony: Aw Vinny, come on!

Vinny give him the look of death

Tony: ok

Bell rings

Vinny: What the hell? Hold on.

Walks to front

Vinny: Can I help yous?

Customer #3: Yes, I was eating breakfast and found this belt buckle in my sausage, see?

Vinny walks around to front of counter

Vinny: Let me see that... oh crap, we mixed up the sausages!

Customer #3: wha?-

Vinny whacks him over back of head, drags him to back room

Vinny: Tony, you idiot, you're not taking the clothes off first

Tony: So what?

Vinny: So what? So you're dulling the blades, that's so what! Now take off their clothes!

Tony: Hey, you can't boss me. I'm smart! I can do things I -

Vinny give him the look of death

Tony: ok

Tony starts taking off clothes of dead bodies. Bell rings. Vinny goes to front. There are 3 people, and more piling in.

Customer #4: I heard you're giving away free meat today?

People in crowd yell various things , like:
Crowd: Yeah!

Crowd: Free sausage!

Vinny: Hold on, there's no free meat. That was for dat one customer only. Now get the hells outta here.

Crowd: You can't do that!

Someone in crowd: Look behind the counter! There's a whole tub of sausage!

Crowd: Let's take it!

Crowd: Yeah!

crowd overwhelms vinny, takes sausage out, runs out of shop, yelling "Free sausage for everyone!" etc

Vinny goes to back room

Vinny: Um, I tink we should go now.

Tony: But I'm not done

Vinny: No, now would be a good time.

exit all

More About Us

2005-03-15T16:33:00.000-06:00

The attack of the flying Book Memes

We were passed this survey by Phin of Phin's Blog.

We here at Eyes On The Ball do not like to post about who we really may be, since there are crazy wackos out there, like Risa Brye (not her real name), the girl this post and this post were both based on, who we are physically afraid of and we might need a restraining order against. Think Mara from the Shield (but with x3 weight, x10 sense of entitlement, x100 insanity), and is part of the Chicago improv community.

However, we will take a chance on you, our gentle readers.

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
The Book Of Flame Retardant Samples.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional Character?
Minmae from Robotech, and Princess from Battle of the Planets. Not books I know but I don't have an active enough imagination. I can barely stand fiction, I prefer non-fiction and get my fiction fix from faster media.

The last book you bought is?
I bought a bunch from Amazon at once, they are:
The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins. I read Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors which turned me on to this book. Pretty amazing how closely much animal behavior parallels humans, like xenophobia and even homophobia!
When I say No, I feel guilty
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Positive Dog Training I read this stuff but I still let Pluto stay in charge.
Stealing Elections by John Fund. Details the election fraud we have caught so far, such as recently in Milwaukee and Seattle. Surprise, most outright fraud is committed by Democrats.
Anti-Americanism by John Francois Revell. He has many examples of how the French press and government (as well as most of western europe) has hated America for 50 years, and it has nothing to do with any particular administration.
A Brief History of Time: the updated 10th anniversary edition I am into cosmology and astronomy.

The last book you read?
Rogue Warrior By Richard Marcinko. It is amazing how many stupid people put fears of negative press ahead of the lives of US men in uniform.

What are you currently reading?
Runelords book one by David Farland. Not the greatest fantasy, but it is pretty interesting. Your "magic power" is donated to you by vassals, for instance, people donate their strength, eyesight, voice, etc. They lose it and you gain it. You then have to protect these people because if they die you lose your power. Good people will take less enhancements since it's bad for the giver. Bad guys take more and extort them from people. What's even better? There's only three books, not 19.

Next book is The Lance Thrower, book eight of The Camulod Chronicles which is an awesome series on King Arthur as a real person, plus loads of history on the fall of the Roman Empire.

Five books I would take to a deserted island.
These are pretty self explanatory, I am totally serious. Screw that enlightenment crap, I want to live and get off the damn island.
The SAS Survival Handbook
The SAS Mental Endurance Handbook
Tom Brown's Guide to Wild Edible and Medicinal Plants
The Science And Art of Tracking
The Bible with both Protestant and Catholic books plus annotations, just to cover my butt.

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and Why?
Mars because I know him in real life and it would be interesting to get perspective on something from someone who is not a conservative-home-protection-device-lover, and figured well I don't know I would bug him.

I'll think of someone else soon I gotta get some work done around here!

update

Rello, Pluto here. I ram roing roo answer rese restions too!

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
Ra book of retting ra hell rout of rere!

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional Character?
Rope.

The last book you bought is?
Roggies ron't ruse money.

The last book you read?
I rannot read rooks, silly! But I rike eating rem. Ra rast rook I rate ras A Matter of Character: Inside the White House of George W. Bush. I riv it four srars, rit ras rummy.

What are you currently reading?
Shhh.. don't tell my raddy, rut I round out I could reat a riddle rit of each rook at a rime and he ron't notice.

Five books I would take to a deserted island.
I rould rake the rollowing, rut I need my raddy to raminate rem first:
Cook the wild bird: An erudite treatise on the joy of hunting, cooking, and eating game birds. I rould skip the cooking part. Ry ruin a bird by rooking it?
The Ultimate Guide to Small Game and Varmint Hunting: How to Hunt Squirrels, Rabbits, Hares, Woodchucks, Coyotes, Foxes and More ra rorld is full rov many rummy ranimals!
Squirrel Dog Basics: A Guide to Hunting Squirrels With Dogs I racktice revery day in ra park ren I go for ralks rit my raddy.
Field Guide: Dog First Aid Emergency Care for the Hunting, Working, and Outdoor Dog (Field Guide) Ris one's for my raddy.
Hunting Dogs: A Photographic Tribute
For ra rarticles! Rey! Are roo raking run of me? Grrrrr!

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and Why?
Ferdinand recause my raddy met Rerdirand's pet Ruce rover ra reekend ror rinks rit Riowarawk.

Reau if you rask me, cats rar for eating, not ralking roo. Ret in my relly! Grrrrr!

The Importance of Diversity

2005-03-15T08:26:00.000-06:00

And Not Forcing Freedom And Democracy On Others

We now bring you to this speech in progress

SENATOR

Hence, I assert, that diversity is the principle that underlies good systems of government. Uniformity, one man's assertion that all the world must have the same system of "democratic" government, would destroy personal liberty and personal freedom. Diversity is the greatest safeguard to securing rights for all.

(enter aide)

AIDE

Senator Douglas!

SENATOR

We cannot force freedom on people, as though we know what's best for them -

AIDE

Senator Douglas!

SENATOR

Wha-? What is it? Why are you interrupting my speech?

AIDE

Your debate with Abraham Lincoln is not until tomorrow

SENATOR

What's the date?

AIDE

July 8, 1868

SENATOR

Oh ... That would explain why he is not here...

AIDE

Do you want to grab some beers?-

SENATOR

Yes!

exeunt
(blackout)

Democracy Now! Changes Name To Democracy Later!

2005-03-14T00:43:00.000-06:00

In a stunning move, Democracy Now! host Amy Goodman announced that the revered media organization featured on NPR will be changing its name to better reflect its values.

"We realized that Democracy right now is unrealistic," she told us in an interview, "Change is a long drawn out process that can't be forced. Societies must change gradually, even if that means people now live under despotism, their great grandchildren will thank us for not trying to make their leaders change faster.

"Now that America is running around the world killing people, it will take even longer.

"But what do we expect? America's own roots are in violence. Can you believe, they had this thing they call the Revolutionary War. This small cabal of Jews started killing Englishmen for no reason. They said it was because they wanted 'democracy.' How can you start a democracy amid violence? That is no way to make change. England already had a Parliament and had a representative government, so what was the big deal? Some people in the Colonies, called the Tories, did not even want freedom from England. Yet they were ignored. You can't force democracy on people, but they did. And look at the horror the US has visited on the world since.

"In other cases, like Germany, the US had an occupying army forcing them to be democratic as like a little copy of the US. There were German insurgents, the Werewolves, who fought against the US occupation for German freedom, just like in Iraq. They killed thousands of US Servicemen, and even more German collaborators. The Germans did not want us there, yet we stayed. And look at the consequences of US policy in Germany. Are they really better off? Yet again, using force to make democratic change resulted in things getting worse, not better.

"The same goes for Japan, for South Korea, etc. Look at them now and tell me how to justify our interference in those countries?

"We are pro-Democracy. We just do not believe democracy can be spread by force. Tyrants and Dictators will give up their power to the people if you only are patient and ask them nicely enough times. To say that more people were already dying under Saddam than died in the unjust war is like saying the ends justifies the means. Sure people were dying in Iraq already, but that doesn't mean they wanted to be free.

"Most of the world is full of darkies who have never had freedom and don't understand it. They don't even want to be free, so who are we to force it on them? As the great John Douglas once said, diversity is the basis of enlightened society. That is why France was on the verge of sending troops to help the South in the US Civil War before it ended. Because diversity demanded that their way of life not be judged. And liberty demanded that people in the South should be able to do what they want.

"Sure, not liberty for the blacks, but the slaves were not begging for freedom, not begging to be thrown into the sink or swim piranha tank of capitalism. They were taken care of by their masters. Look at race relations in America since we forced freedom on the black people. Are they better off? Surely we should have waited and let them have freedom only when the slaves actually asked for it.

"Someday the whole world will be democratic and free. But not until we stop trying to 'save' people. Not until we stop fighting evil and try to understand it and make it feel better. Because it takes two to have an argument. If we stopped arguing, evil will get bored and leave."

Finding Pluto: Tough Task? I Rink Rot!

2005-03-12T12:40:00.000-06:00

According to space scientists, Finding Pluto: Tough Task, it is hard ro find me.

Rell, RI am right rhere!

Rey say: "Pluto is currently located at a distance of roughly 2.87 billion miles from both the Earth" Rah the rell rar roo talking rabout? I riv in Chicago.

"We are actually quite fortunate to be living around the time when Pluto is near the perihelion point in its orbit." I don't rav rany crue rhat that means.

"Pluto is being observed by growing numbers of nonprofessional astronomers as well." Rell I ram good rooking. Maybe instead of robserving rey should grive me treats!

"This is very nearly as bright as Pluto ever gets" Rey! My raddy says I ram a smart dog! Grrrrrr!

"Those who have access to at least an eight-inch or (preferably) larger telescope..." Rey! I don't sring rat ray! Ra humping ris purely for dominance! Go read a brook ron dog behavrior, drummies.

"Other’s have proposed that Pluto should not be considered a planet, but rather as the 'King of the Kuiper Belt Objects.'" I ram a roggy. Ro Kay? RI don't know rabout ranets, but I rike the ridea rov being called King. I ram already king of ra manor. Daddy rinks he ris, but we know better, right?

"What really makes Pluto most renegade is its eccentric.." Rokay, I ram reccentric. Rand I do rike to tear rup my daddy's furniture. Brut I don't rink rat means roo can call me ra "renegrade". I ram a good doggy! My daddy rays ro!

"after visiting this 'neither fish nor fowl' planet" Rhat? I rike both of rose! I especially rike squirrels ran rats. Rey is rummy! If roo rant to give me rish or roul, go ahead, I rill reat rem. Don't rissen to rose dummy srientists.

Rell, for being so smart, rose srientists sure ris dumb. Getting to know doggies ris not rocket rience. Rust ask me!

Sgrena Spits On Quattrocchi's Grave

2005-03-11T11:19:00.000-06:00

Fabrizio Quattrocchi, Italian baker and security guard who was kidnapped by Islamic terrorists and died telling his captors what they could do with themselves, is spinning in his grave. We talked to him through a medium, Ms. Cleo, about Giuliana Sgrena's statement. We played him a tape of some of her statements. Immediately the room started shaking and lights went out.

"I didn't want to live if the ransom meant others would die," he told us, "what makes her special? You did not see me begging for my life.

"She acted stupidly, got caught, and others had to suffer to rescue her. That Sgrena bitch got at least one Italian killed, and soon others will die as well due to bombs purchased with the ransom money.

"But her jumping up and down on my grave and spitting on it? She didn't have to do that. And the orgies at the cemetary? That went a little far. I'm pretty peeved about that."

When we asked Sgrena about this, she said "My release, and the paying of the ransom money, has been a happy ending. Sure, that $8 million EU Italy paid will go towards buying weapons and bombs and killing many other civilians, but hey, I'm alive, and the US can't stand that. See, the US does not care about human life.

"Oh that old fascist Quattrocchi is a moron. This is what i think of him." We then watched her dig him up; then her and her friends from Il-Manifesto took pictures while posing with the body.

The Week In Pictures 9

2005-03-11T08:39:00.000-06:00

Some anti-American protestors in Lebanon. Other signs read "YES for the Syrian Inteference"

Fresh from protesting professor Ward Churchill's right to say it's ok to kill Jews, protestors arrive at Harvard to demand the resignation of Simmons for saying there may be differences between the sexes.

Bush's latest karaoke song: "Woah oh, living on a prayer. Take my hand, and we'll make it I swear..."

Anti-Jet vandalism is on the rise.

"And I say-uh, we must protect-uh, the social security-uh! Can I get an Amen!?"

Toyota unveils robots at the World Expot '05 in Nagoya. Saying "This new army of the toyota empire - whoops wrong speech."

Lebanese pro-Syrian protestors can be seen wearing t-shirts saying "I showed up at the rally, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt, plus my children returned to me unharmed from Hizbollah."

Bush to Italy: "I got your ransom payment right here!"

After Olinka scared several tourists, officials at the Schoenbrunn Zoo in Vienna consider that having higher fences around the large predators just might be a good idea.

Parents' groups say hazing in Pakistan has really gotten out of control.

Running to the government for protection

2005-03-11T07:45:00.000-06:00

A new law may be passed that will limit people's ability to declare bankruptcy. No longer will it depend on medical bills, or if you lost money on a small business.

All across America, people who have made bad financial decisions are running to the government for help. These people are losing money each day because of their mistakes. Now, they are asking the government to help by bailing them out. Too many people are using bankruptcy as an option. Who are these people running to the government for help?

Banks.

"We started lending to people whose credit reports indicated were horrible credit risks," said Saul Goodfellow of Morgan Chase, "then these people didn't pay us back! I couldn't believe it. After we took a chance on them when no one else would, that is how they repay us, by not repaying us. I mean, when you make risky loans, you are supposed to make a lot of money, not have high risk debtors default on you! Don't they know the rules?

"Whey should we be held accountable just because we made a few bad loans? It's not our fault. A person's credit score only predicts that they will not pay you back. It's not like a crystal ball, how did I know that people's low scores would correlate so much with them not paying us back?"

"It's the shareholders' fault, not mine," said Clyde Johnson, VP of Credit Suisse First Boston, "they wanted better returns on their investment. They are so obsessed with quarterly results. What was I supposed to do? I had to lower standards in order to get higher percentage rates on loans. They made me do it.

"A lot of people are saying it's our own fault, we should have known better. But tell that to my daughter, who's not going to get a new Audi TT cabrio for her 16th birthday. Why should us banks have to suffer? The government should protect us by forcing them to pay. It's not fair! Next you'll be telling me I'm going to have to wax my 360 Modena myself."

Pluto's Predictions 1: The Shield Season 4

2005-03-10T12:17:00.001-06:00

Ra new season of ra Shield is starting. Ret's see rat rill happen:

10. Shane's fiance Mara rill turn out ra be not pregrant arfter rall. It ras all a ruse ra get Shane ra marry her.

9. Vic's girlfriend's drug dog rill be the co-star in every episode rext roo Mike Chiklis.

8. Craudette Rill ret more criminals go, and one rill kill someone

7. Product prarcement: Ereryone rill eat Greenies and Wellness treats

6. Aceveda rill drop rat bitch rife o ris

5. Dutch rill kill more cats. Rooray!

4. Tavon rill kick Shane's ass, rand rextort money rom Vic roo keep riet rabout Mara rying roo kill rim rith ra iron.

3. Grrrr!

2. Mara rand rer mom rill go roo ra Treasury Deprartment rand tell ron ra Srike Ream.

1. Ra Srike Ream rill become a K-9 ruunit.

Danny Boy, Payback Is Calling

2005-03-10T09:19:00.000-06:00

Oh Danny Boy, the truth, the truth is calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
Your rule is gone, and your web of lies is dying
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and truth abide.
Don't come ye back your chance to make it right's gone
You could have told the truth but now you're alone
'Tis we'll be here though our innocence is gone
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, we trusted you so.

And if you come to your senses you will then see
The truth will set, it will set you free
Not bias nor bigotry is enough you see
For the news must tell the truth to me

Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, we trusted you so.

Ding Dong Dan Rather's Gone

2005-03-09T19:11:00.000-06:00

This song is dedicated to you, all of you who seek the truth. Who Watches the Watchmen? We do.

The MSM began to pitch, from Center to Left it switched
It tried to land on Bush during his presidential pitch
But instead it spun faster and landed on Dan Rather
Who began to twitch, and was reduced to just a stitch
Because the truth, you see, can be a real bitch

We thank you very sweetly for doing it so neatly

You've ruined him so completely
That we thank you very sweetly

Let the joyous news be spread
The bigot's career at last is dead

Ding-dong his career's dead
Which career? The bigot's career
Ding-dong the bigot's career is dead
Wake up you sleepyhead
Rub your eyes, the news can be read
Wake up the bigot's career is dead
He's gone where the yellow journalists go
Below - below - below
Yo-ho, let's turn the TV back on, it's safe again
Ding Dong, the truth be told, no more lies, now we know
Let them know the bigot's career is dead

As a regular citizen
And a consumer of the news
I welcome you most regally
But we've got to verify it legally
To see...
To see...
If he...
If he...
If his career is really, really
Spiritually, physically
Positively, absolutely
Undeniably and reliably dead

As Coroner , I thoroughly examined it
And it's not only merely dead
It's really most sincerely dead

Then this is a day of independence
For all news viewers and their descendants
Yes, let the news be sung in song
The wicked bigot at last is gone

Ding-dong the bigot's gone
Which bigot? The wicked bigot
Ding-dong the wicked bigot's gone
Wake up and sing along
Finally the truth will be shown
On TV, 'cause his career is gone
He's gone where the yellow journalists go
Below - below - below
Yo-ho, let's turn the TV back on, it's safe again
Ding Dong, the truth be told, no more lies, now we know
Let them know the bigot's career is dead

Now You Can See Me At Improv Olympic

2005-03-09T19:00:00.000-06:00

This article will remain at the top for a few days

I have been selected to appear on an Improv Olympic team. I guess they think I'm funny or something. I am on one of the new teams, named Steal Kitty (obviously they saved the best for last). The name will change soon. Of course, the bastards spelled my name wrong.

<name dropping>
For non-Chicagoans, Improv Olympic was onetime home to famous comedians like Stephanie Weir, Chris Farley and Mike Meyers (before he went on that awful killing spree). And just about every other famous comedian the past 20 years has passed through both Improv Olympic and Second City in Chicago on their way to fame, fortune, and self destructive drug abuse.
</name dropping>

Woohoo! Self destruction!

Shows start in a month or so, and I'll be on stage every other week, so drop by if you are in Chicago. I'll keep a calendar of shows on the right.

In addition, I'll be acting and writing in a 3 week sketch show the beginning of May. Which I believe will be at Improv Kitchen. I'll keep you posted on that too.

Oh damn, this means more pressure, now you will expect me to be even funnier!

Originally posted: Mar 7, 2005

World Women's Day Around the World

2005-03-09T15:03:00.000-06:00

March 9 is World Women's Day. This day is to celebrate the liberation of women and their equal rights, as well as entry into the workforce.

To celebrate this day, Cuba is selling rice cookers at discounted rates to women in Cuba. Other ways that other countries are celebrating this day are:

Argentina: Women can buy matching washer/dryers at a discount today.

Saudia Arabia: Women can sit in the front passenger seat of the car, but only while it is turned off and in the garage.

Japan: Women may only be groped by one man on the subway today.

Juarez, Mexico: Police officers will actually investigate the serial murders of hundreds of women going on for years here. But only for the holiday, if they don't solve it today, women will have to wait till next year.

China: Women who get elective abortions of female babies will only be strapped down and vaccumed out and sterilized against their will. For one day only, they will not also be thrown in jail.

Sweden: Honor killings of Muslim women in Europe must be carried out in a humane manner today, such as with drugs.

Pakistan: Family members must use condoms today while raping women in their clan, and murderers must pay two goats, instead of the normal one, to the family of a woman killed in an honor killing.

Swaziland: Women wearing miniskirts may only be raped by one Muslim as punishment for being a whore, instead of gang raped. In addition, older women outraged by their slutiness will only be able to whip them once each with wet reeds.

Iraq: Women are subject to an evil occupying force that is forcing freedom and voting on them, throwing them into a sink or swim capitalist quagmire.

We must stop the evil abuse of women in Iraq! All those who care about women please contact Giuliana Sgrena, journalist of the paper il-Manifesto of Italy and ask her what you can do to kick America out of Iraq and help the women of Iraq!

From The Editor 3

2005-03-09T08:39:00.000-06:00

Spain is hosting a summit on terrorism in Madrid.

The theme of the summit is "When it comes to terrorists and kidnappers, we deal with them"

The mayor of Madrid said "You've come to a wounded city, but it is not a city that has surrendered"

"That won't happen until we give the keys to the city to al-quaida in a formal ceremony next week."

The Italian PM said "every time we pay ransom on one journalist, they kidnap 3 more, what's up with that? Every time they say 'this is the last time'"

"That's just like that bully in 3rd grade who kept taking my lunch money"

France added that they still haven't gotten over the Vikings betraying them in the same way.

One speech was by George Soros, who said "Producing innocent victims creates anger and resentment, ... [which] feeds terrorism"

He added terrorists much prefer the innocent victims of Saddam in Iraq, of Syria in Lebanon, and of France in the Sudan

Florida is considering allowing new forms of gambling

Living on the coast of Florida is not thrilling enough anymore.

"Four hurricanes in one year? nowhere to go but down. Gotta find somethin new!"

The particular form of gambling they want is slot machines

They wanted to pull a lever on something more predictable than florida voting machines.

(Now that they're banning smoking in bingo parlors) Plus they need somewhere else to go smoke.

The BTK killer, Dennis Rader, has been apprehended. Turns out he looks like Everyman, the guy next door.

People are warned to be on the lookout for the following warning signs of your neighbor being a serial killer:

white male, nice, and quiet

Police are reportedly swamped with calls, turns out half of America are serial killers.

If you see anyone like that, women should remember "battered wife syndrome" means you can kill anyone you are afraid of

In related news, a new serial killer of white males has struck all over the country. Police are dumbfounded on how he can kill so many white male neighbors so quickly.

Bill Clinton is having scar tissue removed

Turns out one of Hillary's claws broke off inside him

This week was International Mentally Handicapped Day.

In related news, Dan rather still says the documents have never been proven fake.

In other news, CBS has begun printing their own money. The Secret Service has tried to arrest them, but they can't prove the dollars are counterfeit.

Hizbolla organized protests for Syria, saying the West was interfering in Lebanese politics.

They held up signs saying "Say NO to foreign interference"

Other signs said "Say YES to foreign interference (in small print: from Syria)"

and t-shirts that said "I showed up at this lousy rally, and all I got was Hizbollah will release my children back to me now"

We're Not Racist, The Jews Just Want Us To Look That Way

2005-03-09T00:34:00.000-06:00

In a heartfelt appeal for understanding for her son Matthew Hale, mother Evelyn Hutcheson said "this is a conspiracy by the prosecutor, the Jewish Defense League, and the FBI to get him a harsher sentence. The Jews are trying to make my son look crazy and like a hatemonger, just because he stands up and tells the truth that others are afraid to.

"All his life my son has been persecuted. Just because he is white and wants to stand up for his people. Sure, everyone wants to understand the Islamic Freedom Fighters, but who is calling for understanding us? As Milosevec said, 'we are the new Jews', we are the persecuted class.

"If this keeps up, we are moving to France, where they know how to treat the Jews."

Matthew Hale is leader of Church of the Creator, a church that is focused on protecting rights of white people, and has been labeled as "white supremacist" by the Jew controlled media. In an effort to find out the truth of her allegations, we snuck into a high level meeting between a JDL officer and Karl Rove.

Rove: Good job on dat Hale guy, dat Judge didn't know what hit er

JDL: Thanks. Too bad that Sgrena reporter got away

Rove: Yeah, some heads are gonna roll on that one. Dere weren't supposed ta be any witnesses.

JDL: So what about the next 9/11, we have three targets lined up-

Rove: Fugget about dat, I got a new job for yous guys

JDL: New job? But we did all this recona-

Rove: I said fugget about it. I gotta new job. Here, look at dis picture

JDL: This? This what you want us to do?

Rove: Yeah, got a problem?

JDL: Are you kidding? I have been waiting for this since my Jew Youth classes on conquering the world. This, this is it, isn't it? The beginning of the end?

Rove: Yep, dis is it. Soon global warming will cause all coastal areas into the seas. Yous better take care a dem Palestinians before den.

JDL: Don't worry, they will all be gone soon, and their highlands will be ours for our people to move up into.

Rove: Good, good. Step two, Ray Close and Michael Scheuer.

JDL: The former CIA analysts?

Rove: Yeah, dey wrode a few books bout how Bush is wrong. Right now der bode busy spouting Jew hating propaganda.

JDL: They work for us?

Rove: Yeah, da more dey write, the more dey make anyone who criticizes us look crazy. Bode o' dem even said dere is a Jewish conspiracy controlling America.

JDL: They let guys like that get to a high level in the CIA?

Rove: Yeah, during Clinton's term dey did. He an' Tenet got rid o' tough guys, and pud a lot o' Jew haters in the CIA. Why do ya tink I had Bush get rid o dem guys?

JDL: Isn't it dangerous for them to give away so much of what we're really doing?

Rove: You tink anyone believe dem? Naw, only da fruitcakes. No, the more truth dey tells, da crazier da left looks.

JDL: And the final part?

Rove: Dis is da best part. Da Red Sox? Dey is gonna dominate da nex ten years.

JDL: But what about University of Illinois football?

Rove: Never! I hate dem guys. Dey is never gonna win again. Nor are da Bears. I hate da whole damn state o' Illinoiss.

JDL: Well the Cubs are a given.

Rove: Nah, I'm gonna let the Cubs make the playoffs a few more times. Den crush em. Ha ha ha ha

JDL: This is a great time to be alive. We are gonna be rich.

Things Not to Do When Approaching a Military Checkpoint

2005-03-08T09:30:00.000-06:00

10. Speed up as you approach the checkpoint so you almost lose control

9. Ignore the guards thinking "they can see we're white, it's ok"

8. Pretending not to speak any of the several languages the guards will yell at you

7. Flipping them the bird as you do donuts right in front of the checkpoint

6. Play Palestinian children's music like "I want to die a shahid's death"

5. Instead of "sir", call the guard "baby killer"

4.Talk on your damn cell phone instead of paying attention to the road. What, you think you're so important it can't wait?

3. Answer every question with "about a dollar"

2. Have your pizza delivered to checkpoint, and don't share

1. Drive a Volkswagon bus, or any sort of hybrid vehicle. They are instant targets, just on principle.

Italians Beef Up Kidnapping Insurance

2005-03-08T00:20:00.000-06:00

All across Italy, businesses, especially those in the media, are beefing up their anti-kidnapping insurance, due to a recent increase in kidnapping of Italian journalists.

"I don't understand why they keep kidnapping us and demanding ransoms," said Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, "10 Italian journalists have been kidnapped in the past year, much more than American or any other journalist. Each time we pay the ransom, but they keep coming after us.

"Is this how France felt after paying off the Vikings, only to have more come? Damn Vikings. These people don't know how to play the game. You kidnap someone, we pay you, then that's supposed to be the end of it. You don't go kidnap someone else, that is crazy."

"We have had to raise premiums dramatically," said Saul Solomon, president of General Developing Nation Insurance, "thank God Italy doesn't do much business in Central America. Do you have any idea how much ransom we'd have to pay out.? Next time, our contracts are going to say clients at least have to try to negotiate."

France and Spain have joined Italy in sponsoring a kidnapping tutoring school, where they will teach how to effectively kidnap someone. This is in order to minimize casualties, of course, since orderly and professional kidnappers are less likely to make mistakes that would result in someone dying. They also plan to teach insurgents the gentleman's agreement that governs kidnapping, such as, you only kidnap someone once from the same country, and you only ask for a reasonable amount of money, and finally, that you promise to only spend the money on the poor, or heroin, but not on weapons.

American Military Sucks, Italians Fund Terrorism

2005-03-07T00:10:00.000-06:00

Our troops are as myopic as our policies

Eyes On The Ball News has uncovered a disturbing story: despite the previous $81 billion in funding President Bush asked for, and the new upcoming $80 billion, our military forces could not hit the broadside of a barn. The point is proven when you look at the case of Giuliana Sgrena, the Italian journalist recently released and fired upon by the US military.

According to Sgrena's account, the car was attacked without warning by several tanks, and 300-400 rounds were fired at her car. Yet, even after all that the car was barely damaged. Not only that, only one occupant of the car was even killed, an Italian secret service agent, who was shot in the head with a .50 caliber machine gun. Normally a .50 caliber round will completely obliterate a person's head, or sever a limb. But the pathetic US arms only made a small hole in the man's head. If he were a real terrorist, we'd be in big trouble.

When we asked Marine Corp General Butch Thunderbolt, about the training of Marine embassy guards and security forces, and how so much ordinance could have been expended and have the people in the car still walk away, and finally why didn't the guards wave down the car instead of just firing, he responded with the usual obfuscation and throwing up red herrings that you would expect from someone in the military or law enforcement.

He gave us the usual government runarounds, calling Sgrena an "unreliable eye witness" just because she has given several different accounts of the event. And tried to say that since by her own account they, including the driver, were talking and celebrating and on their phones, that she would not have seen what was going on outside. All of this is typical disgusting blaming the victim that we are used to from the US. He even went so far as to insinuate she is biased against the US, just because her paper broke away from the Communist Party of Italy because it did not believe in violence anymore.

He then defended his Marines' marksmanship with a litany of "successes" of the USMC which we will not bother to repeat. But they ranged from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli. He covered battles fought in air, on land and sea. They spanned from saving Paris when the French army wanted to retreat on March 28, 1918, to Iwo Jima and every other island in the Pacific in WWII. Alarmingly, General Thunderbolt actually thinks the US won the Tet Offensive, just because we obliterated the NVA army. He must not have been reading the press releases, probably because he was over there instead of here. With men like that, so blind to their failures, leading our armed forces, how can we expect to win?

"Our forces are the best trained in the world," he said. Though we weren't sure if he was trying to convince us or himself. He seemed especially worried that a whole platoon of Marines and several tanks could run out of ammunition and still only kill one guard and let two journalists and a driver walk away with barely a scratch. General Thunderbolt's contention that her story is not true is just a smokescreen for the real problem: not only are our policies myopic, but our troops are as well. It is a small wonder we are losing this war on the ground and for the hearts and minds of the Iraqis. Perhaps instead of imprisoning them, we should put some of our detainees to use running our sniper schools.

We then tackled the second problem. Sgrena said their car received no warning to slow down or stop. We ran a test of our own to test this. We wanted to see if US Army soldiers could even man a checkpoint. We went around asking the lyrics to "Stop, In the name of Love." They all performed admirably, until the word "stop", which many of them could not say. Some stuttered "s-s-st-s" one guy said "move along, in the name of love," a third said "no speekee sand talkee." How could these men man a checkpoint if they cannot say the word "stop"?

Was Eason Jordan right?

Sgrena is not bitter about her experience, saying, in the same interview, "But also a lack of information in this case is [the Americans'] responsibility because you are in a war field and [the Italians' had] the responsibility to pass immediately any information. [which obviously means it is America's fault]."

Always the responsible journalist and not quick to judge, Sgrena also said she "could not be sure" if she was deliberately targeted by the US or not. An irresponsible journalist would have said "no of course not, that would be ridiculous."

Italy laundering money through kidnapping rings

In other news, Italy paid over $10 million US to terrorists to release Sgrena.

"When it comes to terrorism, we deal with it," said Italian police spokesman Bernardo Patzadicio. "We do not just try to kill it like those rude smelly Americans. That is not dealing with it. Where is the dealing in that?

"Hopefully, the money will be used to buy many IEDs. Because unwanted pregnancy is a problem in Iraq, and the women need birth control, since Bush will probably make abortion illegal when he runs Iraq."

The Week In Pictures 8 - Condi in the news

2005-03-04T09:33:00.000-06:00

Sen. Shumer (D-NY) re: Sen. Collins (R-ME): "Whew, it's gettin' hot in here. Back that thang up!" (h/t kurlander)

With Rumsfeld at bat in the annual UN cricket match, Bush and Condi dangerously get their signals mixed up.

Condi vainly tries to warm up Europe before Bush's speech, singing "Everyone on the right say hey!"

Condi rethinks her outfit when she has to keep explaining to European leaders that she's not part of the help.

All we're saying is, we've never seen the two of them in the same place at the same time.

Bush, Blair, and Rice later state: "We never would have pushed for the Iraq war if Karl Rove didn't put those damn earworms in our heads to control us."

Always calm and detached, Rock says "Make no mistake, if he weren't holding me back, I'd eat your face off, just to see what you'd do."

Bill Clinton's Finishing School for Women teaches their final lesson.

Spaniards are outraged by protests against terrorists in Lebanon, Syria, and Azerbaijan, saying "why didn't we think of that?"

Nickel - the new substitute for silicone.

French protest the "occupation" and "genocide" in Iraq, saying "We much preferred the genocide under regimes friendly to France, like Saddam, and Rwanda, and the Sudan, and Congo, and Liberia, and Zimbabwe, and ... "

Other French lamented "Why do they keep kidnapping our journalists when each time we give them concessions?"

Local Man Annoys Friends After Buying TIVO

2005-03-03T00:33:00.000-06:00

Peoria, IL native Brad Johnson built a TIVO a few months ago, and according to his friends, ever since then he has become very annoying.

"He built it himself," said John Darwin, his coworker at Applebee's, "did he tell ya that? He always makes sure to tell us how he built it himself, like that makes him a genius. I'm tellin' ya, I'm really getting sick of his bragging how he gets more hours on his DVR than I do, how he has all his music on his as well, and his whole entertainment center is controlled by his 'HTPC.' I mean, Brad, we get it, you're a geek. Ya don't have to prove it."

"He used to go out with us, right? But not anymore," said Vicky Fontana, friend and employee of Jamba Juice at the same mall. "Now all he talks about is the Sci Fi channel. He records it all week, right? Now he doesn't go out on weekends, he just stays home watching Buck Rogers and Stargate reruns that he TIVOd during the week. I mean, I used to think he was cute, you know? But O.M.G. get a life.

"His favorite joke? You know that Sabine Ehrenfeld girl from the Overstock.com add? He says she is into Stargate, because she says "It's all about the go'aould." He has told that joke like fifty times. It's starting to get old. I swear, if I have to hear one more time about how hot Amanda Tapping is? I'm going to scream.

"Same goes for Nicole De Boer and Erin Grey"

"The worst thing is," said Terri Sanfauken, friend and manager at Nordstom's, "is that you can't even talk to him anymore. Every time I try to have a conversation, if he doesn't hear something I said, he reaches for the remote trying to rewind me back 8 seconds. Last week when we were talking he looked at me and said "pause" and then went off to the bathroom! Then when he came back, he expected me to start where I left off. Yeah right."

Editorial Monologue 1

2005-03-02T14:35:00.000-06:00

Matthew Hale, white supremacist leader of the Church of the Creator, is back in the news today when the family of a judge he swore to kill was killed execution style.

He says he was not involved, that because of his time in jail, he has learned to love big black men.

Sometimes guards put him in a room with one where no one can hear, so then they can have private race "relations."

Hale is also reportedly in talks to represent Flamco hemorrhoid pillows.

Georgia has just banned smoking in bingo parlors.

In retaliation the AARP called for a ban on Georgia.

"We're gonna keep smokin our tobacee. It's not our fault you youngins is droppin like flies."

This is going to start a revolution. "First they wanna take away our Social Security, now they wanna ban smokin at bingo? We won't take this lying down! ...

"on our hospital beds ... "

All the old people will be marching on Atlanta ... dragging their oxygen tanks behind them.

Smoking through their tracheotomy holes...

After terrorists killed their former prime minister, Lebanese have taken to the streets protesting.

Spaniards, who voted out their President when they were attacked, are outraged; saying "the terrorists never told us we could protest them."

Spain is also outraged at the ETA Basque seperatists's recent spate of bombings after having been dormant for years.

The new Spanish President said "Just because we gave Al-Quaeda what they wanted, doesn't mean we're going to give every terrorist what they want. Hello!"

Michael Jackson told prosecutors that the children, without his knowledge, accidentally found his wine cellar and opened wine bottles and drank them.

He also said the children accidentally learned how to use wine bottle openers, and also accidentally just happened to pick the perfect wine to pair with hot dogs and ice cream.

Trimbach gewürztraminer from Alsace, Germany.

Rape has skyrocketed the past few years in Malmø, Sweden's 3rd largest city; where police recently said they're afraid to enter half the city because it is run by Muslim criminal gangs.

The rape increase was a concern until it was found out that the majority of women getting raped are ones that refuse to wear burkas to cover their beauty.

This proves rape is about sex, not power.

Muslim leaders condemned the violence, saying "if women covered themselves and did what we told them to, we wouldn't need to rape them"

Church of the Creator Needs TLC As Well

2005-03-02T10:25:00.000-06:00

Victoria Fontan, visiting professor at Colgate University, has come to Chicago to visit the site of the murder of the family of Federal Judge Joan Lefkow. Lefkow became prominent in the fight against white supremacism when she presided over a trademark name dispute over the Church of the Creator, a name which another group claimed they owned. It was during this trial that Matthew Hale, leader of the Church of the Creator, solicited the murder of Judge Lefkow, which he was convicted for and is going to be sentenced for later in March of this week.

Many in the media have connected the two events, since Hale wanted Judge Lefkow murdered, and his sentencing is coming up in a few weeks, it seems obvious him or his group is connected. If it is, Professor Fontan tells us, it should not be punished, but understood.

"We never listen to the plight of white people in this country," said Fontan, "then we act surprised when they turn to violence. Is it any wonder, with our domestic policy of oppression? We need to understand why they turn to violence, and then we'll know how to stop it. If our domestic policy was more compassionate towards rural folk just trying to live their lives according to their own values, and stopped trying to impose our values on them, then they would not turn to violence.

"We are only interested in condemning them. We should be listening."

Ed Ill, local Chicago actor, said "We are not listening to their intellectual arguments, just dismissing them as [racism]. If we listened more, then some of them wouldn't feel the need to turn to violence." He also told us "we keep trying to impose our values on them, that is why they are mad."

Charles Rangel (Rep -D) also is visiting Chicago this week, saying "We say they are 'white supremacist' terrorists. Why do we call them supremacist? Just because they want to help their people? Why do we call them 'white'? They are not white, more a shade of peach, really. To call them white supremacists is discriminating, it's bigoted, it's not the right thing to say.

"When Europe invaded the Mideast to defend their homeland and stop the Caliphate from expanding any more into Europe (after they conquered parts of Spain, Greece, and Italy). We didn't call it 'Christians imposing their religion on others,' so why call these new fighters 'white supremacist' terrorists?"

Fontan also added "Change is already occurring. Mathhew Hale is leaving the Church of the Creator. He said his stay in jail has taught him to, as Jerry Maguire said, love the black man. He even told me that every night in his cell, he loves big black men, and they love him back. In fact, he says they cannot get enough of him. That is so special. See? The power of love conquers all."

An emergency meeting of the ACLU, Red Cross, and Pacifists for Despots has been organized by Spain, to go to the Church of the Creator, and ask them what we've done to make them mad, and what they want. Hopefully, our love will get through to them and we can convince our imperious leaders to do the right thing and change our discriminating domestic policy, so these white terrorists will feel the need to take up arms no more.

Text Message Hell

2005-03-01T00:15:00.000-06:00

Overheard at a Peoria, IL home:

(Meredith on phone)

MEREDITH

Oh My God! I can't believe he tried to kiss her! I have to go I have to text message Jessica.

(hangs up, types out text message)

W U GF?

(waits a moment)

Her phone must be off. Well I'll just go there..

(goes next door, knocks on door)

W U GF?

JESSICA

W U GF?

MEREDITH

OMG! G W!

JESSICA

W!? T M!

MEREDITH

Jeremy T 2 XO XO Megan.

JESSICA

N W!

MEREDITH

JESSICA

ROFLMAO!

MEREDITH

Smiley Face

JESSICA

W A D!

MEREDITH

I K! I mean - H!

JESSICA

W W Jeremy T?

MEREDITH

colon rolleyes colon

JESSICA

D Megan XO XO Jeremy?

MEREDITH

R U K? A I!

JESSICA

Smiley face. I D T S

(enter JESSICA’S MOTHER)

JESSICA’S MOTHER

Jessica! This room is a pigsty! You are supposed to be cleaning it!

JESSICA

D M Y!

JESSICA’S MOTHER

What did I tell you about language?!

JESSICA

Don't swear?

JESSICA’S MOTHER

No, the other thing.

JESSICA

Don't use acro - acro - letters fine ok? Here I'm "talking"

JESSICA’S MOTHER

Good. Now C U R Before your D gets home and he K Y A

JESSICA

I’m talking to my friend! GOD! Stop embarrassing me! Oh my God!

JESSICA’S MOTHER

E M?

JESSICA

"O"! - "K"!

(to MEREDITH)

I G G, My M! - S 2 C M R

MEREDITH

AI!, L U R Her S!

JESSICA

IK! TMSIDK

MEREDITH

T H 2 G 2 seven seven three four upside down

JESSICA

AIK? She'd K M

MEREDITH

Oh Well, L 8 R

JESSICA

L 8 R

(blackout)

A Message From Flamco Paint 2

2005-02-28T14:32:00.000-06:00

Read this post first if you have not, to see part one of A Message From Flamco Paint.

(Phone ringing, Flamco spokesman on phone waiting, customer occupied, answers phone)

CUSTOMER

Hello?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Jordan Easter, are you there?

CUSTOMER

Hello? Yeah this is me, who is this?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

This is Flamco paint. We are conducting a customer satisfaction survey. We are just wondering how you are enjoying that insurance money.

CUSTOMER

Umm ... Sure, it's great.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

We just wanted to be sure no one suspects it was arson, that would be a shame if they did.

CUSTOMER

Yeah, no- it worked great. They didn't suspect anything. Your paint passed all the arson investigators' tests.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

That's great. Now that we helped you, it's time for you to help us.

CUSTOMER

Um, Listen I gotta go-

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Not so fast, Jordan. Like I said, it would be a shame if the authorities found out what you did.

CUSTOMER

(thinks a moment)

Are you blackmailing me?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

You got that right.

CUSTOMER

But why?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

This may come as a shocker, but paint is a low margin business. We have to make money any way we can. That's why we started producing flammable paint. We found we could double our income thanks to people like you.

CUSTOMER

So you do this to all your customers?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

You got that right.

CUSTOMER

What if I fight? You can't go to the authorities, because then you'd get in trouble too.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Ok you got us on that one. But I only have one last question to ask:

CUSTOMER

Sure, but I really gotta -

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Do you know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried?

CUSTOMER

(thinks a moment)

No.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Ok here's another question. Are you sure you don't want to help us, after everything we've done for you?

CUSTOMER

But-

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Hoffa!

CUSTOMER

Why-

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Hoffa!

CUSTOMER

Fine! How much do you want?

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Only twenty percent.

CUSTOMER

Twenty Percent!? That's robbery!

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Hoffa!

CUSTOMER

Ok! ok! How do you want it.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

In cash. We'll send someone over tomorrow. Oh and don't get any funny ideas. While you were asleep we secretly painted your house the same shade of color with Flamco! Ultra Flammable brand paint. I'd hate to lose a Frank Lloyd Wright ranch home, just because the owner got stupid. Think of the children, and how they won't be able to take field trips to your house anymore.

CUSTOMER

Allright, I'll have it ready.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Great! And remember, if you need to rub someone out, and can't afford to move to the Netherlands where it is legal, think Flamco! For all your flammable paint needs.

CUSTOMER

I'll do that

(hangs up)

(Blackout)

Blogger Squanders Instapundit Link

2005-02-28T10:30:00.000-06:00

A Local Blogger finally, after months of trying, got Glenn Reynolds, Instapundit, to use his name and a blurb he wrote, when he wrote UPDATE: Reader Chris Buchholz emails: "It didn't get much coverage here either. All day all I've seen on TV is how Bush wore his gloves."

Unfortunately, when he sent his email to Reynolds, he used his real name and address, and did not use his blogger name, nor give a link back to his blog.

So after trying for so long, he was finally mentioned on Instapundit, but squandered his chance at an Instalanche.

"I really wanted that Instalanche," Pluto's Dad said. "In the past, if I happened to write about the same subject as Reynolds, I would send him the funny article I wrote hoping he'd like it and maybe link back to it. I never asked outright for a link, that is bad taste, but just let him know 'hey, I'm out here, and I'm funny.' I mean, all my friends tell me I'm funny. And since they're my friends I know they're telling the truth.

"A link by Instapundit means a lot, it is the litmus test of whether you've 'made it' or not. He is our hero. I think, no wait - we hate him. I forgot. I heard he puts puppies in blenders. And I thought drinking protein shakes after workouts was gross.

"Also, I feel like the server my blog is on has just been too stable lately. I really wanted it to be taken down by thousands of hits. That would have been so cool.

"But over the weekend I just sent him a short little email with a comment, and he posted it. I never expected it. It is like dating, they say you will find someone when you aren't trying and not expecting anything. I never believed that, since that has been my strategy for twenty years and it hasn't worked out yet. But now I can see it is true. Too bad I did not take the opportunity to at least put a link. Now I won't get buried under the Instalanche, but have to just keep surfing the bunny hill of hits until I get another opportunity."

Keep on truckin' Pluto's Dad. The Instapundit may link to you yet.

Local Man Causes Fatness in Women

2005-02-28T10:03:00.000-06:00

Josh Howard, local Starbucks Barista, causes women to gain weight - according to all his ex girlfriends.

"I used to think it was just that psychopath, Lisa," he told us, "she kept saying 'I'm gaining weight, and it's your fault.' I figured, yeah whatever, she was just making excuses, ya know? She was like that, always playing the victim.

"But then after I dated Heather for awhile, she said the exact same thing. She said we kept going out to eat, and because food was in front of her she ate it, and it was my fault because I was the one that paid. I thought, well maybe it's just a coincidence, right?

"But since then, three other girls I've dated told me it's my fault they are getting fat. Just last week Cindy, the girl I'm seeing now, told me that I better stop making her fat or she's breaking up with me.

"I am really worried. All the girls I date just can't stop eating, and they all tell me it's my fault. That can't be a coincidence."

Concerned about this strange malignancy, Josh went to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota to try to determine what was causing all his girlfriends to gain weight.

"All our scans were negative," said Dr. Rumbaugher of the Mayo Clinic, "we could find nothing that would cause this behavior in women. We did find a strange tumor that we were able to remove. We thought maybe the tumor was sending out some sort of brainwave signals to women's brains that told their bodies to gain weight."

"That was a year ago, and it didn't change anything," Josh said, "I am still making them gain weight. why is this happening to me?"

"Josh came to me a few months ago, concerned that he was bad for society," said Lucy Greentower, of the Natural Herbs and Indigenous Medicine Clinic. "I heard his story, and had one word for him: pheromones. Everyone knows how pheromones cause the opposite sex to become excited. And the wonders of aromatherapy have taught us many other moods can be evoked through our sense of smell. I told Josh that I thought something in his sweat was sending signals that told women's bodies to store more energy as fat. I told him it is probably something in his diet or environment.

"The first step was detoxification. I gave him purifying agents that leech toxins from fat cells, where they are stored, and send them out the sweat glands. I also gave an invigorating scrubbing to his lymph nodes with charcoal and an herbal cocktail. Finally, several enemas and a fiber blast cleaned out his gastro intestinal system.

"I then looked to his environment. All EM field generators, such as microwaves and televisions, had to go. I pulled up the carpet and threw out his furniture, since they are breeding grounds for harmful bacteria. Now he sleeps on a bed of live ferns."

"Ever since the change, things have gotten worse," said Josh, "now CIndy complains that we can't go out because I might get toxins from smoke and car exhaust. And now that there's no TV, there's nothing to do in my apartment except eat or have sex. And she won't have sex because she says the ferns scratch her."

We interviewed Cindy to find out what was wrong. We met her for lunch at Johnny Rockets soda fountain. "I keep gaining weight, and it's all his fault," she told us between mouthfuls of burger and ranch covered fries, "you can't put food in front of a fat girl. How stupid is he? I would lose a lot of weight if it weren't for him. And the worst part is he is still skinny, while I get fatter."

Fat Acceptance America spokesperson Risa Brye said "He should be proud of the signals he sends out. 60% of America is plus sized. To me, that means we are the normal sized, and 40% of America is underweight. We could do with less skinny judgmental bitches in the world."

"She keeps gaining weight; even though I did all this for her, I can't stop it." Josh lamented. "What is wrong with me? Why am I cursed with this evil disease? How can I in good conscience date anyone again? I can't - not if everyone I date is going to gain weight, and it's my fault. Why God Why! What have I done? What have those poor women done to deserve me making them gain weight?"

We don't know Josh. There is so much of the world we don't understand yet. Something about you obviously makes women gain weight. We wish you luck on your plans to move to the jungle to remove yourself from society. It is the right thing to do. Hopefully you won't make the monkeys fat as well.

A Message From Our Sponsor: Flamco Paint

2005-02-28T00:06:00.000-06:00

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN:

CUSTOMER:

(On stage in separate locations, as one talks the other freezes)

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

We received the following letter from one of our customers:

CUSTOMER

Dear Flamco. I have a restaurant that is losing money. I have tried every cost saving measure I can think of but nothing works. What can I do? Can you help me? Signed, Jordan Easter.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Hi Jordan, have we got a solution for you. Just repaint your restaurant with New Flamco Ultra Flammable interior paint. Flamco Ultra is four times as flammable as leading brands. And twice as flammable as our previous Five Alarm brand paint. That's ten alarms for the price of one!

CUSTOMER

You mean burn it down for the insurance money? Isn't that dangerous? On TV they always catch you.

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Great question Jordan, but don't worry. Unlike traditional accelerants such as gasoline, Flamco Ultra Flammable Paint is just 100% pure paint. So it's not traceable by arson investigators. No one will ever know.

(later)

CUSTOMER

(holding check)

Thanks Flamco! I just got a big check from my insurance company, and now I can start over. I couldn't have done this without you. And even better, I just found out that next week my ailing mother is writing me out of her will, but I'm repainting her house tomorrow! Thanks Flamco!

FLAMCO SPOKESMAN

Flamco paint. Until the US makes murder legal like the Netherlands, think Flamco. For all your flammable paint needs.

(blackout)

The Week In Pictures 7

2005-02-25T15:51:00.000-06:00

In an effort to reach out to young, non-Cuban hispanic voters, Jeb Bush launches his new narcocorrido rap career (h/t Cadet Happy)

Waddling out of an all day meeting this week in Thailand, Trump mentions that spicy Thai food always burns you in the end.

As part of new job training for trades such as plumbing, the ever more important butt-crack inspector is in high demand

The Queen did not go to her son's civil wedding ceremony, stating "That is what he left Diana for?"

At an anti-war demonstration, Ralph Nader speaks on the perils of Democracy run amok.

Citizens of Batislava also protest against war, seeking the Iron Curtain to be restored to blanket their land.

The Jimmy Carter warship gets off to an inauspicious start.

When we said the Jimmy Carter warship is dedicated to attacking poverty, we didn't mean it so literally.

Indonesians finally decide that next time tents will be a hell of a lot easier to replace.

Thai people also take steps to make sure floods never threaten them, by lighting everything on fire.

When Annan welcomed Negroponte, he said "We'd like to welcome - wait, you're a Jew? Are you kidding me? I thought Bush wanted to make the Europeans happy."

Yes, Oprah is the small one.

Republican Lawmaker Threatens Democrat with Rough Sex

2005-02-24T17:33:00.000-06:00

A startling new development occurred today in the case unraveling the web of lies surrounding Guckert/Gannon and his gay prostitution network. One congressman, who appears now to be a client of Guckert, let the ball drop on the House floor this morning.

Rep. Bill Cadman, R-Colorado Springs angry with Rep. Val Vigil, D-Thornton for calling him "a piece of garbage" retorted with "I'll ram my fist up your ass!"

Colleagues in the House were at first floored by Cadman's vulgar threat, until we did some digging and penetrating the dense, dark forest of lies surrounding Cadman. It turns out last week he was reported to have been waddling as though he was saddle sore. He told us he had gone horseback riding in his native Colorado, but we could not reach anyone at his ranch for confirmation when we called on the President's Day holiday.

In Congress, Cadman was well known for being a fence sitter, and was not sure which side he wanted to play on. Slipping and sliding through the mud of deception, we also found out someone in the White House had called Cadman a total of one time in the past month. No one in the administration has come forward to say it was not Karl Rove.

But then the milky white truth doing the body politic good poured over our faces, and the dark chocolate of deception was wiped from our eyes, and we connected the dots: Karl Rove was blackmailing Cadman into voting yes on Bush's Social Security reform. How? Because he set Cadman up with Guckert/Gannon in a bizarre drug induced homosexual tryst, and had pictures of them together.

We have seen some of these pictures, and they are disgusting. Both men can clearly be seen in the same room during press conferences. Other pictures exist of them both in the same room as Karl Rove, though conspicuously never at the same time. What other devious plans does Rove have cooked up?

"We have to uncover these gay porn schemes," said Howard Dean, "because of the hypocrisy. Imagine a Republican enjoying gay sex? Can you imagine it? Come on, try. That's it, yes you've got it. Imagine the hypocrisy, it is a Republican for Chris'sakes! That's like a conservative giving money to help the poor! Their lies must be exposed! Thank God we aren't like that, you won't hear Democrats calling Powell a 'house n****r', or Condi Rice an 'Aunt Jemima', or saying things like 'I hate Republicans and everything they stand for.' We don't hate, we're not like them."

"It almost came down to fisticuffs," said Rep. Jim Costa, D-Fresno, CA. "I've seen fights like this in movies, but never in real life. I am a 'newcommer' to the House, so I am not always privy to these back door deals."

This is the first case uncovered of a Gay prostitution network connecting a lawmaker with Guckert/Gannon. However, when interviewing Cadman, it seemed Rove's plan backfired, and Cadman turned out to enjoy his newfound notoriety a little too much.

Cadman also predicted a Republican landslide victory voting on the bill they were discussing, and said to Vigil "I will give it to you so rough you will bleed. You will choke on Republican truth." His comments were not limited to Vigil, but also included his family, who is involved in local politics back in Colorado, when he said "Yeah, you'll take the cold hard truth rough, just like your mother likes it." Later Cadman appeared to apologize, offering to take him out for coffee and dessert, telling Vigil "don't worry, you will soon be choking down so much fudge you won't know what to do."

Who the hell do bloggers think they are?

2005-02-24T14:14:00.000-06:00

Recently at IMAO a questionnaire was posted regarding bloggers. As part of the vast left wing conspiracy to destroy Karl Rove's secret government that is running the world, our senior editor Pluto's Dad has answered the questions to the best of our ability. Below are our answers. Other's answers can be found at IMAO.

1. Who the hell do you think you are?
No one, I'm sorry I said anything, can I go now?

2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?
I write computer programs and am surrounded by Indians (the kind from India, who are all Hindu). I enjoy spicy Indian food while working with Indians. They tell me all Pakistanis and Muslims are crazy. They are not white so they must know what they are talking about.

3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?
My blog is called “Eyes On The Ball News,” meaning it is a news blog, so I guess that makes me a journalist. Hey, does that mean I can stop putting sources in my articles now?

4. Do you even read newspapers?
What is this "paper"?

5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?
I enjoy the Money Honey Maria Bartiromo, and CNN's Robin Meade, who was stolen from us from NBC Chicago 2 years ago. Now we only have that slut Michelle Leigh from Fox weather. I enjoy more distinguished women journalists like Maria and Robin. But I only enjoy them a few minutes at a time then I am finished.

6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh?
What is this "radio"? Is it like "XM" or "IM"?

7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?
What is this "fax"? Why are you bandying about these old tech terms? I have no idea what you're talking about.
All my correspondence and typing is done on my Treo650. So... please rephrase your questions to be about that.

8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?
I am non confrontational. I do not like confrontation. I have found the best way to not have confrontation is to silence any that disagree with me. Usually this involves double taps to the back of the head (you don’t expect me to stand in front, do you?) Silencers also help me get away quickly.

Oh wait, “fire”, I thought you said “fire at."

Well, I never really lit anyone on fire before. It sounds messy.

9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?
No passport. I see other countries on TV, like England, Australia, Ireland, and New Zealand. You mean those?

10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?
I went to Little America (Canada) once when I was a kid visiting my relatives who live in the U.P. They told me Canada was a penal colony for cowards who will not fight, which is why they speak French up there.

I have also been to East Texas, that is like another country. They have house-boat people there. And banjos.

11. If you're so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk?
I am too fat from all the bratwurst and beer that I consume daily. Oh yes and Nutter Butters. I find nutter butters to be a convenient source of calories while trying to enslave the universe as leader of the Sith, or failing that, setting my sites lower and merely trying to take over Vice City.

Plus, I prefer to send the poor and black people to do my fighting for me.

12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face?
Yes my girlfriend likes to ... oh face? I thought you said "feces".

13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?
See last question.

14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!
Pluto's Dad, daddy to Pluto (Esp. on Valentines day) Here are some pictures of Pluto.

Top Conspiracies Architected by Karl Rove: Evil Genius

2005-02-24T00:05:00.000-06:00

Karl Rove is perhaps the most powerful man in America. We have uncovered many of his conspiracies. And what we found out, is that most of his fiendishly clever conspiracies are not powergrabbing for conservatives, but rather disinformation planted in liberal newspapers and media in order to embarrass them. The following are his main conpsiracies, copy and spread them around as soon as you see them, we have no idea how long this website will stay up:

He forged the CBS Memogate documents, even deviously using Army acronyms instead of Air Force ones to implicate Burkett, so that Democrats look crazy and desperate. (duh like you didn't know this one)
He is even the one spreading rumors that he is behind Memogate, which most Republicans think is a preposterous conspiracy theory, making Democrats look crazy and desperate. The devious fiend!
Was the one who stole the Green Day master that disappeared, to make way for the new album "American Idiot", entirely written by Rove. Yet again - to make Democrats look like childish hatemongers and fruitcakes.
Cuts out all the negative articles from the newspapers before Bush reads them, so Bush thinks his policies are actually working.
They are actually all Rove's policies. He has hypnotic tapes he plays via headphones he secretly places over Bush's ears every night which tell him what to do the next day.
Planted Gannon/Guckert, a gigalo, in the white house press corp, only to later expose him by leaking his identity to liberal journalists, so that Democrats look like hypocrites "outing" Guckert.
Iraq? Hell, that country doesn't even exist! It's just a soundstage.
Caused the 3 Mile Island incident, scaring people away from nuclear power so they will depend on oil. Oil: the currency of the Republicans. (He also wanted to hasten global warming, see conspiracy #10 below).
Area 51? It's where he was created in a gene experiment combining Hitler (who was captured and did not actually commit suicide) with Machiavelli (they had to go back in time to get him, using Karl Rove's time machine, also stored at Area 51).
Is buying up all land 50 miles inland from the coasts, so when global warming raises the sea level, he will own all the prime beachfront real estate. (Why else did you think he wants people to use fossil fuels instead of nuclear energy?)
Three people you have never seen with Rove in the same place at the same time: Osama Bin Laden, Oliver Stone, Michael Moore. Think about it.
Wrote the J-Lo and Marc Anthony duet, just because he enjoys torturing people.

Update 1: Some readers have asked us if Rove also put the Ram in the Ramalamadingdong, and if he wrote the book of love. Obviously he did neither, since those are positive, and Rove, like a vampire of goodness, sucks the goodness and light out of everything he touches.

Update 2: Some people have written us pointing out it would be impossible to use a time machine created by Rove to go back in time to kidnap Machiavelli to use his genes to create Rove, since Rove would not have been around yet to create the time machine. Hmph. Obviously these people don't understand temporal physics.

Green Party Rejects Calls For Tourism

2005-02-23T00:16:00.000-06:00

After the tsunami disaster in December, South Asian countries are facing a second disaster: an economic disaster. A not widely known fact is that after natural disasters, tourism levels go down, even if the infrastructure to support it is still in place. For countries that depend on tourism, this is a second disaster after the first devastation they have already suffered.

Thailand has asked the world to come visit Thailand and spend your money there. They claim this will boost their economy and help to create jobs. Thankfully, the Green Party, USA has spoken out against this make the rich richer plan.

"The people of Thailand need charity, not menial jobs serving white people," said Elizabeth Fattah, of the Green Party USA.

This was how our day began touring the tsunami ravaged Thai island of Phuket with both Fattah and Sonyatha Khunpleum, Thai Minister of Tourism. At that point we realized it was going to be a long day.

We traveled from the shore up to what was now about half of a hotel.

"See this?" said Sonyatha, "we are rebuilding it so people will come. We Thai are a proud people, we don't want to have to depend on handouts."

"What what what what?" yelled Fattah. "Green Party! Converge!" She then whistled, and dozens of shabbily dressed greasy haired white college students smelling of hashish and body odor came swarming out of the treeline. Fattah pointed at the hotel and yelled "destroy that symbol of slavery to white Americans!"

At once her minions set upon the hotel with hammers and shovels and cries of "down with foreign aggression!" and "kill the tree killers!". Thai workers fled in terror as the hotel came crashing down around them. Almost as quickly as it started, the grungy warriors of green dissolved back into the trees.

"What have you done? Why are you doing this?" cried Sonyatha.

"No longer will your people work as slaves to the white man!" shouted Fattah. "Now your people are free. Why should they have to work at demeaning jobs when foreign aid is pouring in?"

"What? But .. the aid won't last, we need long term stab-"

"No more lies! Your conspiracy with the US to get rich off the backs of your people is over! Do you think they want to work at jobs cleaning up after Americans, begging for meager tips?"

"What - we depend on tourism. We are proud people want to come here. Our ... our .. oh nevermind, let's go to the next site."

Down the street was a textile factory that somehow survived the devastation.

"Oh thank Buddha our factory has survived. " exclaimed Sonyatha, "These jobs will really help the local -- what?"

"Destroy the sweatshop of capitalist oppression!" cried out Fattah. This time her mob of swarthy sweaty teens came carrying torches and quickly burned down the factory. Women ran screaming out of the factory, clothes on fire.

"Why have you done this?" one asked as she ran up to Fattah.

"You are free now, go in peace." she said. "Now you can live free without having to work long hours making crap for Americans."

"But how will I feed my family? How will I-"

"Shhh" Fattah placed her finger over the woman's mouth. "Don't worry. The West has tons of money to share with you."

"But what about my children's educa-"

"Shut up!" Fattah yelled and slapped the woman. "You have obviously been brainwashed. Report to the re-education tent!"

"Wha-"

Several flannel clad young men came up behind her and dragged her screaming away.

We left and found a small village, where family patriarch Somsak Langkawi was rebuilding his home, which was little more than a hut.

"Hello" he said as we came up, with the familiar friendly smile we have come to expect from all the Thai people we have met. "Welcome to my humble home. I would invite you in, but it is not finished yet. However, we are doing well, my home is almost rebuilt."

"Why are you doing this, instead of accepting your true calling?" asked Fattah.

"Hmm?" Somsak responded. "Whatever are you speaking about? My children need a roof over their heads again - "

"Green Party! Liberate!" At her words, the valiant white teenagers again appeared out of the trees and ripped apart Somsak's home with their bare hands.

"What?" Somsak cried. "Why? My house! Stop! Stop!" He tried to interfere, grabbing some of them even though weakened and barely able to breathe due to the stench of unwashed socks. But he was pushed back. As he saw his home destroyed he began to cry.

"Do not cry," Fattah comforted him, putting her hand on his shoulder. "You have forgotten the ways of your ancestors, and were corrupted by the ways of the West with their vain furnishings that only clutter life instead of enhancing it. You don't need cd players, or plumbing, or white man's medicine. You have the jungle and all it's natural healing agents."

"But my children," he reached out towards his yet again destroyed home. "Where will they sleep?"

"Stop this at once!" Fattah yelled as she smacked him on the back of the head. "You are free now! Free to live in the jungle, hunting and gathering like the old ways. No longer will you have to suffer the distractions of modern so-called life. I envy you, you are about to return to a simple life your people enjoyed before they were corrupted by Western society. Now return to the jungle!" She pointed to the trees.

"But -"

"I said go now! No wait - take off his clothes!"

The young unwashed green warriors then stripped him of all this clothes.

"Now, see how much better that is? No longer need you feel ashamed, that is the white man's disease. Go in the jungle without shame and without clothes, hunting for your food like your ancestors."

"But I don't know how to huuuuuunnnnnt - " he cried as he was dragged away.

"He will thank me later," Fattah sighed, "actually he won't because he'll be living in harmony with nature and I'll be stuck here trying to spread the word."

"You are crazy, lady" said Sonyatha,"what do you think you're doing? You think you know -"

"To the jungle with him!"

"Nooooooo" he screamed as several kids ran up and dragged him away.

"Who will look out for these people if not us?" she asked us. "The indigenous and poor of the world are tired of being taken advantage of, tired of having American culture forced upon them .... " At this point she started eyeing our cameras, conspicuously the most advanced piece of technology around.

We decided to high tail it out of there.

SUV Owner Gets What He Deserves

2005-02-21T10:00:00.000-06:00

On the Bay Bridge in San Fansisco, an SUV driver gets his comeuppance when he attempted to throw a cigarette out the window, but it blew back in and his vehicle burst into flames. Reportedly the back seat flamed up as soon as the cigarette hit the back seat.

"Not only did he try to litter," said Elizabeth Fattah of the Green Party USA, "but he was driving ...

"Driving an SUV. Excuse me I have to sit down a moment ... I find these deep breathing excercises help whenever I am so offended I can hardly breathe.

"OK that's better. This guy, can you belive this? Was driving ... an SUV! Of all the nerve! He was only a little burnt. In my opinion he got off easy. This should teach those nature raping bastards to drive SUVs."

Reportedly P. Diddy has been hired as the new spokesman for the Green Party's new "Drive Hybrid or Die" campaign. The Green Party hopes that if more people driving SUVs died, then demand would drop, thus saving the lives of endangered species.

"Humans are a disease, we are the cure," Fattah continued to say, "we need to return the earth to how it was before humans started changing the environment, what with their 'hunting' and 'gathering' and all - thus destroying the local animal and plant life."

In related news, Ted Red of Saleen Dye Co. announced today "we are proud to announce the release of our new Ultra Flammable fabric dye. This is twice as flammable as our previous Super Flammable dye. Great for clothes for retarded children; who, if you lived in the Netherlands, would have been mercifully euthanized. Also makes a great gift! Saleen Dye - for all your flammable dye needs."

The Week In Pictures 6

2005-02-18T10:41:00.000-06:00

As a result of a blatant American imperialist attempt to corrupt the minds of young Muslims, Where's Waldo has become popular among Tsunami survivors.

President Bush shows Negroponte how he won Laura's heart: the two step.

Max Papis' secret warmup for a good time at the track: patty cake.

Dogs and their masters really do look alike.

Boy at Al-Zarqawi's school for special children attempts to head butt a ball. Said Zarqawi, "If you can bounce the ball into the cup the bomb goes off. Whoops, we mean you get a prize ... heh heh."

Bush demonstrates what it would be like for an unstoppable force to meet an immovable object, after hearing that he is "unstoppable" when it comes to getting his bills passed, and that Michael Moore is coming over.

A throng gathers around what appears to be an alien craft that has landed in Chicago, IL - a prime vacation spot for the aliens. Apparently they came looking for the Chicago stockyards - full of trapped cattle ripe for sodomizing. Unfortunately they did not account for the time delay of our radio waves reaching their planet and that maybe the stockyards would be gone by now.

To increase safety, NASA added a larger fuel tank, and the shuttle itself has been removed. It is estimated this will result in a 100% safety factor and will finally satisfy Congress.

The new eco-friendly coffin has been well received as a model of environmentally friendly engineering, in that it does not fit any existing size standard and funeral homes would need all new equipment in order to accommodate it - resulting in a large increase both in cost and energy consumption to manufacture the new equipment.

Iraqis are finally free to freestyle. Seen here is the new boy band Ashoura Six.

"I can make a bird"

Up until now, rumors that the Chinese army was using telekinesis were unfounded.

Jimmy Carter Attack Sub Capabilities

2005-02-17T14:37:00.000-06:00

The new Jimmy Carter SeaWolf class nuclear attack submarine has just been commissioned. Dedicated to research as well as attack, this sub has a 100-ft extension section that allows experiments to be conducted on new undersea military technology.

Following are some of the most lauded capabilities of the Jimmy Carter Attack Sub - The First Attack Sub Dedicated To Attacking Poverty™:

100 ft extension can accommodate pre-fab house assembly plant, can assemble five complete houses per hour.
New Trident House Delivery System uses GPS technology to launch houses at precise locations within centimeters. House landing system has not been perfected yet.
All cruise missiles warheads, instead of carrying ordinance, carry PSYOPS mp3 player / loudspeakers. Play a selection of Christian Contemporary and Country music.
Brand new MFSWGS installed (Moonshine From Salt Water Generation System) to replace fresh water generator.
New PEDS (Poverty and Exploitation Detection System) equipped warheads detect factories and farms, targeting them for destruction. No longer will 3rd world people have to work at unfulfilling jobs making crap for us!
100 ft extension can house Mini-Nuclear Reactor delivery system complete with cryogenically stored reactor technicians. Useful for launching nuclear reactors at 3rd world countries for their use - in exchange for their promising not to use the reactors to create weapons. Reactor landing system also not perfected yet.
If nuclear reactor goes offline, can run on peanuts.
All instructions in Russian, Arabic, and English, plus 100 ft extension can house brig fitting entire crew. The most convenient sub for hostile nations to take crew hostage yet still operate boat.
Torpedoes equipped with completely silent active sonar system using no sound or any type of detection system at all, ensuring marine wildlife are not affected by loud sonar pings.
Engines foul up if water gets into external intakes.

The Jimmy Carter Attack Sub: Attacks poverty wherever it is found!

One Liner Headlines

2005-02-16T15:05:00.000-06:00

Oweing to the fact that we are making changes here at Eyes On The Ball, we bring you the following headlines for which we have not had time to write articles. Please pardon our dust.

Howard Dean Says Rich "Will Only Spend Tax Cuts On Yachts"
Boat Builders Union 384 switches to Republican party

Prince Harry Wears Nazi Costume, Raises Ire of Europeans
Europeans Say We Need To Keep Our Rampant Anti-Semitism Secret

Prominent Democrat Says Diversity Most Important Virtue, Cannot Force Freedom On People
Despite Eloquent Argument, Stephen Douglas Still Loses To Abraham Lincoln

Teresa Heinz-Kerry Changes Name Back to Teresa Heinz
Says she wanted to marry a "winner," not a "whiner"

Howard Dean Makes 8 Year Old Cry
Dean said "I Hate Young Republicans Too"

Kinsey Institute Denies It Endorses Pedophilia
Only Endorses Sex With Children if Adult is Not Parent Or Teacher, Since "That Would Be Crazy"

Dog Therapy Rising In US Rehab Hospitals
Single Owners Spooned Too Tightly On Valentine's Day Night

Eyes On The Ball Makes Up These Headlines
Still Trusted More Than CBS, the "Other Eye And Ball" Network

Basil Mad Pluto's Dad Stealing Bit
Pluto's Dad Pulls "Fred Durst Defense" After Being Challenged to Charity Boxing Match

We Are Changing Our Site

2005-02-15T11:38:00.000-06:00

Following are the top search engine queries used to find our site.

Huge Turd
Tight Leather Pants
NAMBLA
Ball Torture
Fetus Soup
Jill Biden
Kristina Kiik
Juma Juice
Pluto

Obviously there is a pattern, and unfortunately we have been greatly misinformed as to the nature of our readership. We have since fired our marketing director, and are in talks with Jenna Jameson to become our new director.

We are also changing our site to better deliver to our customers what they want: scat, S&M, and young boys: in erotic positions - wearing Star Wars costumes.

We will also be starting a new vocabulary section for those who do not know scat terminology. For instance, we had always thought wrapping someone's head in plastic wrap then pooping on it was called "Murder," but we have recently learned it is called the "Hot Karl." We think this is similar to the famed "Columbian Necktie," or the new "Columbian Tire Necklace," which is not a flaming after dinner drink as we thought. Our reporters are checking it out even now and will report on which groups use the "Hot Karl." One thing we assume - it is not the Columbians.

Today Is A Special Day

2005-02-14T12:19:00.000-06:00

Today is a special day at Eyes On The Ball. No, not because it is Valentine's day, but because it is Pluto's birthday. Pluto, pictured here, turns two years old today.

Please join us in wishing Pluto a happy birthday.

Green Day: Dangerous Rockers

2005-02-14T10:58:00.000-06:00

Yesterday Green Day won a Grammy for Best Alternative Music Performance. In his acceptance speech, Billie Joe Armstrong shouted out "Rock can be dangerous and fun." Never were truer words spoken by a more dangerous punk rocker.

"We spray painted the word 'idiot' on a flag during a photo op," he told us in a backstage interview after the ceremony. "We were going to burn the flag, but Tre said it was, like, illegal [it is not - ed]. So we just sprayed it. That is how dangerous we are. We won't bow down to authority man, we do what we want!

"I was really disappointed in the crowd. All those other musicians are sheep, all towing the party line. Who else dares to speak up and say America is wrong? No musician or actor that I know. We thought, 'hey, if we release this people will, like, hate us. People always hate liberals who speak out, look at all the famous actors whose careers were ruined, like Martin Sheen.' But we did it anyway, because we are dangerous!

"It is hard, being the head of a revolution. All my Hollywood friends think I am crazy, they are all afraid. But not me, I have always lived life on the edge. We even swore during the show. Can you top that?

"No way am I gonna let the asshole rednecks that fill Hollywood stop us, with their 'redneck agenda.' I swear, 90% of this country is full of idiots. They are so stupid, yet think they are smart and better than everyone else. That is why I called our album 'American Idiot', so they will read it and then know that they are idiots. I just can't stand self-righteous people."

Look out America, dangerous rockers are coming to rock your world and change your minds. We here at Eyes On The Ball feel privileged to live at this time when rockers are finally throwing off the chains of conservatism and speaking their minds. Green Day, those dangerous brave soldiers, willing to throw away their careers for the truth, are speaking what we all believe but are too afraid to admit in public.

Viva La Green Day!

This Week In Pictures 5

2005-02-11T08:46:00.000-06:00

General George Casey realizes the Army needs stronger heavy lift choppers when Michael Moore steals a Chinook helicopter

The Klan continues to organize protests despite a worldwide bleach shortage resulting in their whites not being kept so white

Due to a string of robberies by Raelians needing plastic for their clone incubation chambers, The Container Store has hired more armed guards to protect its inventory

If Bush's tax plan is passed, diamond dredels will become increasingly popular among children of the Jews who control the US

During her week-long trip across Europe, Dr. Condoleezza Rice tried her hand at DJing the UN ball

Sen. Kerry took up dance lessons hoping to convince Theresa Heinz to add his last name back to hers, which she removed after he lost the election. Seen here dancing to "Mr. Roboto," he has only mastered the use of his hands

Damn Mermen keep getting caught in the nets!

Tired of every man she meets sucking on her finger, Dr. Rice really wishes more black women lived in Europe

Nanci Pelosi, overdue for her botox injections

Liberals for Love Out Gays

2005-02-10T17:07:00.000-06:00

First there was Mike Taylor, bidding to be Senator of Montana. Now there is Mark Gannon (not his real name) former Talon reporter. Both of whom are conservatives, and, according to the liberal watchdog group Liberals For Love, committed the ultimate sin:

They are gay.

"These people think they can hide their private lives," said Robert Borsheim, chief media critic of Liberals for Love. "But they are public figures, and as such have no right to privacy. They think they can hide their disgusting habits from the public? The people have a right to know what dirty deeds go on in their bedrooms, and what fantasies lay in their dirty little minds."

Outside Gannon's home, Liberals for Love were protesting holding signs saying "Smear the Queer (Republican)," "God hates (Republican) Fags," "KKKarl = hatemonger," and chanting "We're here. You're queer. Get used to it."

Fred Bartlesby, Gannon's neighbor and a registered Republican, told us "I really don't care about his sexual orientation. What does that have to do with his reporting? I don't see what all the fuss is." We asked him if now that he knew Gannon is gay, if he could ever trust him again, to which he said "I guess so, I don't see why not," in a typical Republican circling-the-wagons maneuver.

When we told Borsheim about Bartlesby's comments, he said "what a closed-minded conservative idiot! Of course it has a lot to do with his reporting. How can you trust a man that hides his private life? Your private life has every bearing on your professional life. It's not like he refused to sign Form 180, or had a mistress. This is big.

"Who knows how he greases the wheels, lubricating his sources to get the juicy details? Bush is a good-looking guy, I am told. Would his reporting change if Bush were older and uglier? We may never know.

"And Taylor - don't even get me started about him. We saved the country starting that whisper campaign that he was gay. I mean, he owned a hair salon for Chrissakes! Can you imagine if a Senator was secretly gay? Why, the KGB might use it to blackmail him! We are so lucky that gayrod never became a Senator.

"We are not anti-gay. Are you kidding? We are Democrats! We are for the truth, that's all. All being secretly gay means is that you are a liar with no credibility. It is not being gay that makes them bad, it's being gay and Republican - No, it's being gay and hiding it - No, it's being gay and ... well I still haven't worked this out fully. But it's bad.

"Anyone who is hiding some portion of his life must bring it out, that is what full disclosure is all about. There is no shame in being gay, we just want everyone to know, that's all. Cheney's daughter is a lesbian, and we're sure she'd agree."

Condi Apologizes for Forcing Freedom on Europe

2005-02-10T09:57:00.000-06:00

This week, in a whirlwind tour of Europe, Secretary of State Dr. Condoleezza Rice apologized for forcing freedom on the rest of the world.

"During the Cold War we thought we had to work with really bad guys like Pinochet," she said in a conversation with French Foreign Affairs Minister Michel Barnier. "We thought we had no choice, we thought anything was better than the Communists. We thought stability was more important than freedom.

"Now, thanks to France and to liberals in the US, we know that was actually the right attitude. Stability, even with a ruthless dictator in charge, is indeed more important than freedom.

"Only now do we realize our folly. The French people did not want freedom, or if they did, it certainly wasn't our place to force it on them - to fight on their land causing wanton destruction. Especially when you consider all the leading French historians now agree that the Allies would have won the war without the US, it would only have taken a little longer! And we dare to say we saved Europe!"

In another speech in Berlin to the Reichstag, she said "We apologize to you, Germany, for occupying your country and forcing freedom on you. Your Werewolves band of SS partisans were right. If only we had listened when they bombed your factories, killed your mayors, police, and other collaborators, and warned you not to vote or they would kill you. How could you have had a free election while foreign forces were present? Look at Germany now, are you really better off?"

Back to France before the French Parliament, she said "Thanks to you Europeans and liberals in the US, we no longer believe in liberalism or liberty. Who are we to say freedom and democracy is right or the best way to run a government? No one way is right or wrong.

"That is why we pledge to immediately begin reparations to Western Europe for our anti-deconstructionist actions. Since we have only 6% unemployment, that leaves us plenty of room to raise taxes to repay you before we reach your levels of 12-16% unemployment, which is a more reasonable amount.

"We will also begin other reforms, such as restricting the press like France does so it cannot criticize the government or say mean things about people. We will immediately withdraw from Iraq and leave it in the hands of their rightful ruler, Al-Zarqawi, who is not from Iraq but at least is not white so he knows better than we do what is best. Finally, we pledge our military to only fight for stability and the status quo. Just like France does in Rwanda, the Sudan, and the Ivory Coast."

CNN targeting US Military

2005-02-09T14:28:00.000-06:00

This memo was obtained from a confidential source in CNN:

From: Office of the Chief News Executive
To: All CNN Personnel
Monday, Jan 31, 2005

Dear Comrades in Journalism:

It has been reported that some of you have been targeting the US Military in your reports. At least twelve dishonorable discharges have been handed out due to CNN deliberately targeting the US Military in negative reports. We should continue to target the US Military for negative stories. In our zeal to report the truth, we must remember that as journalists, it is our duty to fight imperialism wherever we may find it.

With that end in mind, we must always remember to report the truth about any imperialistic power wishing to push around the less powerful. Whether they are fighting for the influence of powerful global corporations, or fighting to impose their values on the local populace, we must document each occurrence and bring it to light.

With that in mind, we have produced the following guidelines:

Embed yourself with freedom fighters. This way we can tell their story from right up front. 
Give the freedom fighters a break. Since they are usually underfunded, freedom fighters cannot be expected to wear uniforms, or keep themselves separate from the populace, or restrict themselves to military targets. These instances you need not bother to report, since we assume they are happening and no one needs to hear about them. 
Do not expect the freedom fighters to protect you. Freedom fighters are notoriously bad at protection duty. In fact, some may accidentally behead you, thinking you are a terrorist. This is not their fault, as it is due to a lack of funding.
Whenever possible, find out where the freedom fighters will attack and arrive first. This is particularly true for any assissinations of collaborators, so that images may be captured at the exact moment the bullets strike. 
Do not warn collaborators they may be about to be killed by the freedom fighters. We are there to document, not to interfere. This will jeopardize our status as neutral observers, and may result in beheading. 
Target any terrorists with your cameras. Terrorists include anyone trying to strike fear into the local populace. For instance, the threat of dying if one joins the freedom fighters is a form of terror. 
Target any imperial shock troops with your cameras, especially when they are around civilians. These troops may be identified by doing things such as conducting unreasonable searches, performing interrogations on civilians, and shooting at freedom fighters, who are the populace. 
When speaking to imperial troops or terrorists, do not fall for the "Al Capone Smokescreen," named after Al Capone who kept his popularity high by feeding the poor, etc. Do not report on good deeds supposedly done, since that would be playing into their hands. These "good deeds" are only to cover up what their real purpose is. Remember, we are there to report the truth, not propaganda. 
Make sure to let every imperial trooper know all the bad information you can on the war and on the state of support back home. They are adults and can handle the truth. In fact, it is our duty to report this truth. And since they are part of the public, they have a right to know how their leaders are using them and how their deaths mean nothing. 
Finally, make sure you realize the difference between a foreign country helping the populace, and an imperial force or terrorists. Sometimes, like France in the Sudan or the Ivory Coast, or Syria and Iran in Palestine, the foreign country is there to help put down a terrorist uprising. Other times foreign powers fund and send terrorists over to another country to cause trouble, pretending to be fighting for the local populace.

Thank you for taking the time to read these guidelines. We hope this will clarify your position and purpose. When in doubt over what to do in any situation, consult these guidelines.

Sincerely,
Eason Jordan

We tracked down Mr. Jordan to explain some of the finer points. He told us the following:

"First of all, I cannot vouch for the authenticity of this memo. You should know that using anonymous sources is not good journalism. How do you know this is not just a disgruntled employee looking to make trouble? However, it is a monospaced font ... and since this is just a copy there's no way to know for sure, so I guess I must have said these things.

"When I said we were deliberately targeting the US Military for negative stories, I did not mean 'targeting' the way you think I did. I just meant we are mistaking Marines for terrorists and imperial shock troops.

"Obviously it is difficult to decide who is a terrorist and who is not. When we see someone shooting a gun at someone who is not even wearing a uniform, we just assume it must be a terrorist. Or if we see people kidnap others with zipper strips and throw them in the back of humvees, well kidnapping is a terrorist activity is it not?

"So you see, some people think we are deliberately reporting only negative information, and making the US Military look like terrorists and imperial occupiers. But that is only because we keep mistaking them for the terrorists. So when we deliberately target the military, we are really trying to target the terrorists. See the mixup?

"We still haven't found any terrorists, the wiley rascals. But when we do, we want to be the first to report it."

Netherlands Outsources Euthanasia

2005-02-07T01:48:00.000-06:00

The Netherlands, long heralded as the place to go to if you have a retarded child you need to kill, has recently reversed its policy on euthanasia, and will no longer be carrying it out on Netherlands soil.

"For many years we have been at the forefront of tolerance and acceptance, even passing laws barring criticism of extremists who do not believe in tolerance or acceptance," said Klaus Jagerberger of the Netherlands Euthanasia Association.

"The Netherlands has also been at the forefront of euthanasia. No child in our country has to suffer the pain of being different or retarded. For what good use is a retard? None that I know of - at least until this week, now that we know freedom fighters in Iraq are using children with Downs Syndrome as suicide bombers.

"Not many people realize this but it is expensive to euthanize a child. You cannot just kill them however you wish to, you have to do it humanely. While we do believe that killing them is much more humane than letting them live in their condition, we do not wish the little retards to suffer. But to kill a child humanely is expensive, requiring the right drugs, and so on. So, since we are euthanizing more and more children, we are finding that we are having to lower the quality of health care for everyone else. This is simply the cost of Liberty. Until now:

"Al Zarqawi's freedom force has run out of suicide bombers and is having to kidnap retarded children to use as bombers. That is when I saw an opportunity. It must be costly to find and capture retarded children, especially with the fascist US military running around, that dares to think 'liberty' means freedom. So I telephoned Zarqawi and told him we have retarded children we want killed, and he wants mules to carry his bombs. And we came to an agreement.

"In return for money and some premium middle eastern hashish and opium, we provide retarded children to them. And, having a vest of bombs explode is certainly a quick and painless death, so we feel good that our little retards do not have to suffer. I prefer to think of it as outsourcing euthanasia.

"Now with the US about to change their Social Security system, we are contacting the AARP hoping they will need elderly suicide bombers to protest. We have many elderly that we wish to euthanize which we think they may be interested in. Especially those with Alzheimer's. They won't even know what's going on anyway."

Overheard

2005-02-04T12:30:00.000-06:00

Eason Jordan explaining perceived liberal bias in the media: Regarding our seemingly anti-US Military coverage of the war, when I said we were deliberately targeting the US Military for negative stories, I did not mean it the way you think I meant "targeting", I just meant we are mistaking them for terrorists and imperial shock troops.

This Week In Pictures 4

2005-02-04T01:50:00.000-06:00

In an increasing effort to use UAVs to spare human lives, this JSOC unmanned soldier/suicide bomber malfunctioned and was captured by Al Qaeda forces. The Pentagon blames budget cuts made during the Clinton administration forcing them to use generic batteries. In an effort to raise ransom money demanded by the terrorists, Martika's "Toy Soldier" benefit concert will be held at the Gurnee Mills mall in Illinois.

This Iraqi woman was crying after having freedom and democracy forced upon her, even though every liberal in America knows liberty and democracy are not "right," and everyone knows freedom is a cultural phenomenon that only white people value.

Apple's new Macs For Homeless program was launched this week.

Confused Iraqis defeat the Japanese embassy in Baghdad. Pictured here is the lesser known first, smaller flag

Upset at the success of the Iraqi elections, Ted Kennedy falls off the wagon on I-95

Spaniards protest the Iraqi election, saying "you can't have elections while there is violence. Our democracy started that way, but that was just a fluke. Besides, the darkies don't want freedom in Iraq anymore than they wanted freedom in the USA in the 1860s."

Bill Moyers and others fled when Bush approached with the antichrist child, seen here with the mark of the beast plainly visible, whom he will use to conquer the world beginning with a "showdown" at Megiddo

Another feature of the antichrist celebration will be the barbecue. At left is Kristina Kiik, the virgin who will be sacrificed to Satan to ensure victory for the US military

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton about to kiss Rep. Joseph Crowley, turned on by his crushing grip, which she says is much more manly than Bill's "limp fish" grip

Sen. Nancy Pelosi testifies at a trial on the horrors of botched plastic surgery

A young boy learns to learn to press the "cookie button" at Al-Zarqawi's Center for Disabled Children. Afterwards he will be allowed to play with "clay" at the market

Republicans Ask For Another Chance

2005-02-03T11:30:00.000-06:00

Across the country conservatives can be found crying, in therapy, and suffering from general disillusionment.

"We thought we were going to reach across the divide in this country," said Barbara Helcott, local housewife, "and work together to make this a better country. But then they say this."

Mrs. Helcott was speaking about a recent speech made by Sen. Howard Dean, who may be the next DNC chairman, in which he said "I hate Republicans and everything they stand for."

Dean's statement has caused trauma in Capitol Hill. The halls are ghostly and empty, yet one can hear senators and representatives softly weeping from behind closed doors. A therapy group has started meeting in the basement of the Capitol, where republicans can meet and share their feelings.

"I can't believe I was happy for the Iraqi people," said Sen. John McCain, "Dean taught me that democracy and liberty does not work in most of the world, and we should not think democracy is any better than anything else. At first I was thankful to him for showing me this. But now after he said this? What am I to think? I am so hurt. [sniff]

"All I wanted was to work with the Democrats. I am 'the Maverick', for chrissakes! Why does he hate me? Have I gained too much weight? I know I gained a lot since I was a POW in Vietnam. I can lose it again Dean! I can go to GITMO, and they can torture me by playing good cop bad cop, and giving me my special diet of ethnic southwest food, and letting me go to church every week. That will make me lose weight. Please Dean, just give me another chance!"

"I thought we were the ones causing the divide," said Sen. Tom DeLay, "I wanted to lower taxes to create jobs and increase tax revenue, just like JFK did. Dean told me how that is not a 'feel good' solution and therefore must be evil and serves only the rich. What we need to do is raise taxes, and take away people's jobs so we can then help them. After all, a person should not have to work a McJob or WalJob, which are both demeaning.

"I was just starting to believe him, but then he said he hates me. How could he betray me like this? [sniff] All I wanted to do was work with him to make our country just like Canada with it's 13% unemployment and shrinking quality of health care. Why is he so mean? Is it my Texas accent? Did I not go to the right schools?"

"I don't understand, hic" said Joshua Hartnell, local carpenter, "six years ago the Democrats said Social Security would go bankrupt and we needed hic to fix it. Now they say it won't. And they say I'm not smart enough to hic use the special Thrift savings plan that they have as federal employees. hic. Why're they calling me stupid? What did I ever do to Dean to make him hate me? I feel so betrayed hic ... excuse the hiccups I just started drinking again."

"At first I was angry at the Democrat protesters at the Inaugural Address," said Dr. Condoleeza Rice, "calling me Aunt Jemima and the 'N' word and telling me how good I was at obeying my 'massah.' But it was Dean who showed me it was my fault they said those things, because I am not as compassionate and peace loving as they are. But now Dean's latest words are so hurtful. I am a hawk just like Madeleine Albright, whose father was my professor. Dean is a dove. There is no reason hawks and doves can't get along. I can learn to be a vegetarian hawk. Maybe I should get Botox like Pelosi? Dean, just tell me what you want!"

Rumors were spreading that outside Dean's office, republican lawmakers were seen holding hands singing "all we are saying, is give us a chance." But these rumors could not be substantiated.

Biden's Wife Tortures Iranians

2005-02-02T21:15:00.000-06:00

Last week an economic summit was held between American and Iranian diplomats, and several high-level Iranian diplomats. This meeting almost ended in open war between Iran and the US.

After a few hours of negotiation, not much progress had been made. That was when Sen. Joe Biden entered with his wife. In a brazen show of disrespect for the law that only an American can perform, Biden's wife, right there for all to see, tortured the Iranian diplomats by wearing tight leather pants and a revealing blouse.

To top it off, after Jill Biden entered, congressional aides opened the windows to let sub-zero air in, which only heighted the effect of her form fitting clothing.

"Aaiiieeeee! My eyes!" said one diplomat, as they covered their eyes and tried to run from the room. One diplomat was so shocked and horrified he has fallen into a catatonic state that he still has not woken up from. Another just felt he could not go on with his normal life and family when he returned home, and told his wife "I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you" and kicked her out into the street with his daughters, only keeping his sons.

The rest of the diplomats are in therapy to deal with their devastated emotions.

"This was an affront to the Iranians as Muslims as well as human beings," said John Wimpatico of the Red Cross. "Everyone knows that it is against Muslim law for men to see woman's skin unless it is their own wife. This was blatant torture by America. I can only imagine the shame and humiliation they must have felt when they saw Mrs. Biden's bare arm. They would have been completely justified if they just cut it off right there, but they were so horrified they could not act in time. Maybe if they did it would have sent our cowboy senate a lesson: that you cannot trample the rights of others, that there will be a comeuppance."

An investigation has been ordered into the affair. The ACLU has been rumored to be looking into suing Biden personally for violation of church and state by not letting the Iranians practice their brand of Islam by forcing them to look at women's arms. Democratic Senators have been avoiding Biden, whispering "traitor" and "hatemonger" as he walks by.

A lawsuit has been filed against the US government on behalf of the diplomats. Ramsey Clark, representing the tortured Iranian diplomats, said "These people have suffered tremendously at the hands of the US. What have these people done? Funnel money and weapons to Hamas and Islamic Jihad and Hezbollah? And for that they deserve to be tortured and treated inhumanely? Nothing could justify this. Nothing. This is pure evil, and a sign what a corrupt violent plutocracy our country is."

Kim Gandy, president of the National Organization of Women, says "Who are we to judge another person's culture? Women enjoy freedom here in America, but we cannot force Iranian women to be free, or flaunt our freedom in front of Iranians. We had women in that room who were not covered head to toe. This is in clear violation of our liberal deconstructionist philosophy that no one way of governance is right, including liberty."

Go Ramsey Clark. You are fighting for all of us.

Rather Defends Hostage Story

2005-02-02T10:42:00.000-06:00

Yesterday AP News ran a story of a US Soldier being held hostage, providing a picture of him at gunpoint. Almost immediately the "blogosphere" made accusations that it was not a picture of a human but rather of an action figure. After most of an entire day of speculation, the AP, CBS, and other news organizations put out a story saying the picture "may" be an action figure and not a real human.

"The first thing that tipped us off," said blogger Herman "Spock" Melvin, "was, well, it looked like a G.I. Goe doll. I mean just look at it, you can tell immediately. Then, well that's about it, really. I can't believe anyone fell for this. Excuse me a moment ... sorry, had to flush."

The picture that caused the controversy
However, the news media is not buying the action figure story.

"We just made a big mistake running with an anti-US story too soon without fact checking it," said Eason Jordan, CNN Chief News Executive, "we don't want to make the same mistake and retract the story without first fact-checking to see if it is false. We need to take our time with this.

"This could be real bad news for the US military if it's true, and we need to make sure it is absolutely not true before we say it is not true. If we were to pull it and only produce anti-US stories that we could verify are true beforehand, then we would be biased in favor of the US, and we must remain neutral."

"I am disgusted that people are focusing on the picture itself, and not on the story behind the picture," said CBS News anchor Dan Rather, "what we have here is a real story. A US soldier is about to be killed. This story shows the unprofessionalism of the US military in allowing themselves to get caught. It also will evoke emotion from the audience and move more people to do the right thing: agree with Ted Kennedy that we need to bring the troops home now.

"But these pajamahideen, these right-wing conspiracy theorists, who are paid off by the Republicans, want to confuse you and change the story around to be about the 'evidence' and not the real story. The story is about soldiers dying, not about Iraqis' freedom. Wait - I mean the story is about Bush, not about the soldiers. Wait - I mean the story is about people dying because the US interfered, not people dying if the US did not interfere. Yeah, that's right."

A Thornburg and Boccardi, P.I., preliminary report came out. The report said "since the image is a copy and not the original negative, there is no way to know for certain whether this is a picture of a real hostage or an action figure. We intend to interview everyone who was involved in this report. In a few months we will come out with our recommendations, though I'm sure our position will not change: that we don't know anything and cannot know."

"I still believe the picture is true," said Rather, "there is no way to know for sure. Remember, elections have consequences. We should never have forced freedom on these people. Who are we to say freedom and democracy are better than anything else? Just because we call ourselves Democrats?

"I think we should just change our name to Deconstructionists, that would be less confusing."

Swift Boat Vet Conspiracy Finally Proven

2005-02-01T00:26:00.000-06:00

Over the past year there has been much speculation as to the truth behind the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth (SBV). The idea that they merely are veterans who got together once they saw Sen. Kerry was running for president obviously is too ludicrous be true.

Many people first though Karl Rove was part of the conspiracy. After all, two people working for the Bush campaign were connected in some way to the 527 group, and had to quit according to campaign law. Karl Rove was connected to them, so the conspiracy was obvious.

However, our research has turned up a conspiracy even more shocking with even more evidence behind it. We have found someone who had ties to a number of the Swift Boat Vets. Such strong connections cannot be denied, and are more than ample proof of some sort of conspiracy. This person had much to gain. His name is:

John Kerry.

John Kerry, unlike Karl Rove or anyone else in the Bush campaign, had ties to every single one of the Swift Boat Vets. He had the perfect opportunity to meet with them over a period of 30 years to perfect his plan and come up with the lies and falsehoods that the Swift Boat Vets would spread about the Senator.

This ingenious plan was to discredit the Bush campaign by having the SBV say outrageous lies about the Senator. Then when the lies were discredited and the vets who were tied to the campaign were exposed, the Bush campaign would fall apart. His plan failed when the gullible Republican voters were bamboozled by the lies that they told. Too late to retract the lies without exposing his part of the conspiracy, Kerry fell to a plan B: insinuate that the SBV were tied to Karl Rove. However, the damage had already been done.

Kerry overestimated the intelligence of the average Republican voter. Between the lies he and the SBV planted, and the threat of terrorism and gay marriage, he no longer had a chance.

We cannot deny the strength of these connections between Kerry and the Swift Boat Vets. For someone to know so many of them must be proof that there was some nefarious connection. The political campaign circles are small but cannot possibly be that small. Are we to believe that it is merely a convenient coincidence that he knew them? Do we look like fools? There can be no other reason for Kerry to actually know any of the Swift Boat Vets other than that there must have been a conspiracy between them and him.

In tomorrow's article we will explore the role of the hidden agent who came up with the whole conspiracy idea, the one with ties to so many secret campaign operatives he may be the most powerful man in politics today. His name:

Kevin Bacon.

Top Ten Things We're Sorry For

2005-01-31T16:27:00.000-06:00

10. We did not listen to France and Germany when they wanted to drop sanctions against Saddam and trade with him for a better more stable middle-east

9. We continue to stubbornly demand facts instead of letting ad hominem arguments and emotions rule our political decisions, like "the rich get richer and the poor get poorer"

8. We believed the Democrats in '98 when they said Saddam was evil and must be eliminated, even though they changed their minds

7. We still believe the Democrats when they said also in '98 (after applying a short term fix) that Social Security was going to go bankrupt in 2019, even though they changed their minds

6. We have 6% unemployment while more compassionate European countries have 13-15% unemployment, even though they have high taxes and more benefits for their people than we do, just not the benefit of jobs

5. Our poor are better off than the middle class in most of the rest of the world

4. Bush wants to let Black parents choose which school to send their children to

3. We have the gall to think there is such a thing as absolute good and evil in the world, and that freedom and democratic republic governments are better than any other form of government

2. We forced freedom and democracy on the Iraqi and Afghani people

1. We forced freedom and democracy on the German and Japanese people

Whites Underwhelmingly Respond to Iraqi Election

2005-01-31T10:22:00.000-06:00

Yesterday Geraldo Rivera was moved to tears during the Iraqi Elections, describing them "as important as the fall of the Berlin wall" and "no matter what party you come from, you have to be proud of these people and their courage braving danger to vote." Others pointed out that the fact that the leading party so far in the polls is not one the US would have preferred is the proof that this is the Iraqi's election, not a US puppet state.

But across the world whiter people, who are more sensitive to the needs of the Iraqi people, disagreed.

From Australia to Madrid, white people protested the elections. In America, white people hurled epithets at expatriate Iraqis going to the polls, calling them "sellouts", "traitors", and "monkeys," in a valiant effort to show their love for middle eastern tradition and disdain for Western influence over it - and for collaborators.

"Brown people don't want to vote, especially middle-eastern ones." said Greg Pason, National Secretary of the Socialist Party USA, "What they want is for their priests to rule over them and make decisions for them. That is why all socialist governments, like when the National Democratic Socialist Party ruled Germany, have had one party systems. It is easier on the people when they don't have to make choices.

"FOX News seems to go out of their way to find collaborators to interview, thus skewing our perceptions. Thank ... um ... no one ... for the rest of the media which reports the truth of what a quagmire Iraq is and how we're forcing freedom on them. Who are we to just assume everyone around the world wants freedom? The deaths of 31 people on election day should prove that we are wrong. How many more have to die before we stop interfering in their lives? "

"We need to treat Iraq like Rwanda, or the Sudan," said Sen. Ted Kennedy, "Just stay the hell out. France has handled those two countries just fine, hic. Why should we interfere? In fact, just yesterday a UN panel, under France's influence, hic, said there was no genocide happening in the Sudan - just like they said there wasn't in Rwanda. So see? hic. There's nothing to worry about. The darkies don't need the US butting in with our foreign aggression, they have France, a much more honest and compassionate partner to rely on."

On an even sadder note, news analysis has shown that even Al-Jazeera had more positive coverage than most Western news stations except for FOX News. In the New York Times, an article with a positive paragraph about the elections had that paragraph removed for the print edition, and the headline was changed to a decidedly more negative view.

"What is really sad is the darkies themselves have been fooled," said Bruce Ostrichia, President of People for Racial Equality. "When Al-Jazeera, which is usually so honest, starts promoting Republican propaganda, then you know there's a real problem. How can people so smart fall for such an obvious snow-job?"

Some, like Sen. John Kerry, appearing on Meet the Press, in what is perhaps the most emotional statement he has made in years, said the elections were "OK, but..." and went on to describe everything that's wrong and how there's a long way to go. When a partisan conservative reporter pointed out to him that people already know that, and why can't we just celebrate for even 24 hours, he said "I haven't been moved to tears since I had my tear ducts fused shut. Leaders cannot be emotional."

In fact the only white people that seem to be happy for the Iraqis are those that just recently threw off the yoke of tyranny. Ukraine President Viktor Yushchenko said "We stand in solidarity with the Iraqi people. This is a great day for mankind, and a great day for people living under oppression in the rest of the Mid-east. Even Jordan is enacting democratic reforms as we speak." Some say obviously the people of the Ukraine have been fooled by their own "free" media, and need to go back to state controlled media so the state can remove any lies from news reports to keep the people safe from propaganda.

To get information on "the white street," before the elections we went to several of our Democrat friends and asked whether they were excited or not about the elections. Mostly we received negative feedback, about how people "are already being killed", and "we don't really know" if they want freedom and democracy or not, and how the "Communists also through spreading Communism was right." After the elections, we went around to the same people to ask how they felt, but they all waved us off and wouldn't talk about the elections, and seemed generally in a bad mood. We don't understand why since they were very willing to talk before, we thought they might have insightful opinions. So unfortunately we could not get any information on how "the white street" felt about the elections.

"This is all a conspiracy by Aunt Jemima Condi Rice," said Kennedy. "Just because she's black she thinks she knows what all the mud-people want? She should go back to her massah and make some war pancakes."

New Test Confirms Ted Kennedy Is Douchebag

2005-01-29T09:54:00.000-06:00

[9:50 CDT updated with interview with Carla Kabir, fellow at the Thornberry Institute for Douchebag research - ed]

Leading medical researchers have been performing tests on Senator Ted Kennedy the past month and have reached the startling conclusion: Ted Kennedy is a douchebag.

"We were really amazed by this discovery," said Dr. Said Sambir, Kennedy's personal physician. "I had always assumed he was a human being. I mean, sure he drove drunk and killed women, but hey humans make mistakes. But the past few years I started having doubts as to his humanity. And now we finally have proof.

"Blood tests have come back, he really is a douchebag."

Dr. Sambir was referring to a new blood test that determines whether people are douchebags or not. The test was developed by Dr. Venkatesh Tamil, a leading douchebag researcher. "Every time a new country has elections, we hear the same thing. The elections won't work, you can't spread democracy by force, the insurgents are too strong, etc. etc. They said it about Germany after WWII when partisans there threatened to kill anyone that voted, they said it about South Korea, and Cambodia, and Venezuela, blah, blah blah. But people keep repeating this same old story as if it's new. And every time they have been proved wrong.

"Then I realized, maybe these pessimists that don't seem to believe in democracy are actually not human beings. After all, they seem to have no empathy for others struggling for their freedom. That's when it hit me, they must be douchebags. So after several years of work, I finally developed my douchebag test.

"I felt it was so important, that I did not patent the test, but am helping other doctors around the world begin testing journalists and politicians immediately."

"Some features of the douchebag," said Carla Kabir, fellow at the Thornberry Institute for Douchebag research, "are a waxy-plastic complexion, though this is usually covered up with makeup so they can pass themselves off as human. These disguises are especially easy for those douchebags that are actors. Other features are a penchant for self-contradiction, lying, and lying to themselves most of all.

"Douchebags are also widely known for being filled with piss and vinegar. They are extremely angry and would probably benefit - not from anger management, though that would help - but from reading history, which might expose their ideas for not jiving with history. For instance, democracy has almost always been spread by force, since tyrants don't give up power willingly. Or the fact that 'fascists,' which is the favorite name calling word that douchebags use, were socialists, i.e. left-wing, not right-wing. Ironically douchebags make up 98% of the Socialist Party of America.

"Currently we are estimating that as much as 33% of the US population may be douchebags. The number is highest among pessimists and what we call 'scorched-earth activists.' These people, whether activists, politicians, or regular Americans, are people who would rather see everyone suffer than let their 'enemy' be right. Of course they deny this, but another feature of the douchebag in an inability for introspection.

"Our political researchers have also found that in many countries it is a requirement to be a douchebag before being posted to the UN. In some countries like France, douchebags make up 83% of the population."

Dr. Sambir elaborated further, "When Ted Kennedy said the US had lost the war and should admit their mistakes and leave immediately, and said this only two days before the Iraqi election, that was when I knew for sure he was a douchebag. At that point I didn't even need the test.

"Why would Kennedy make such statements that will be used by the insurgents just before the election? Doesn't he realize this gives the terrorists credibility and will embolden them and help them? Oh sure, people say words are not important, that he and the media can report only the bad things without having an effect on Iraq. That is a funny thing for a politician to say - that words have no effect. I have seen complaining and pessimism destroy project teams, they can easily undermine morale and confidence.

"I don't understand how senators who belong to a party called 'Democrat' would be against democracy just because it's a Republican president implementing it. Oh yes, they say they are not against democracy, but then why do they want to leave Iraq in the hands of Zarqawi, who said democracy is evil? Besides, who cares if they disagree with the reasons the US entered the war. They are there now, should the US not do the right thing?

"They all came out with statements saying Saddam must be toppled when Clinton was president. What made them all change their minds? Are we to believe Saddam was so good he influenced them to think more kindly of him?

"No, I think it's more likely they are douchebags. And now I have the test to prove it."

KKK Needs TLC

2005-01-28T11:21:00.000-06:00

Victoria Fontan, professor of Peace Studies at Colgate University, will follow up her study living with partisans in Iraq with a study on the Ku Klux Klan, she announced at a press conference featuring prominent Senators.

"We need to understand these freedom fighters, not call them terrorists," she said. "If we listened more to them and their complaints, then we would learn something. It is our policies that make them angry, they are not evil, not bad guys, they just disagree. If we would only listen, they wouldn't have to resort to violence.

"Over the years, even before civil rights legislation was passed, white people turned to violence against blacks as their only way of speaking out. Too often, whenever someone says we should listen to them, they are shouted down and called racist sympathizers. But no more. If we are going to heal this country, we have to sit down and listen to people like the KKK, to learn what they want. After all, they are only turning to lynching because people won't listen to their concerns."

"It is time to admit we lost against these insurgents," Senator Ted Kennedy said, "it is time for our police to go home, to stop prosecuting these 30 years old crimes, which are not crimes but cries for help by the oppressed. White people in this country need our understanding, not our judging them. Violence is the only way they can speak out. It is time to leave America in their hands. We aren't ready for elections yet, obviously. I only wish I had made this speech two days before Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday."

"Our government has been more concerned with not offending the NAACP than with reporting the truth," said Senator Barbara Boxer, "but it is time for the truth. White people have it hard in this country. They aren't all rich like the media want us to believe. Most people on welfare are poor white rural people. They are the new Minutemen, the militia, the freedom fighters."

"It is time for our domestic policy to change," said Senator John Kerry, "I am going to go on a fact finding mission to meet with heads of the Klan, the Church of the Creator, and other white supremacist groups, to see what kind of media campaign they want to implement. Hopefully I can help to bring about peace between them and the rest of America, with their Jews controlling everything and the Blacks living high on the hog off the state."

"I abhor violence," professor Fontan concluded, "We cannot use violence or police forces to enforce our will, that is wrong. I study peace, not fascist oppression. That is why I am embedding myself in the KKK, to accompany them on bombing runs, to see firsthand why they want to kill others, and hopefully to understand. I can't do anything to stop them or warn people though, that would interfere with the study.

"If we had been better listeners, Tim McVeigh would never have bombed all those children. I'm not saying it's all our fault. I'm just saying remember it takes two to start a fight. If we would only stop resisting the Klan and implement a more compassionate domestic policy, there would be no more violence."

This Week In Pictures 3

2005-01-28T00:35:00.000-06:00

Biosphere 2, which went up for sale last month, has finally been sold to National Snowglobe Corp. Pictured here is Carol Whetherby, the lone resident of the new tourist attraction billed as "The Largest Snowglobe In The World."

The dream that causes Jacques Chirac to wake up in a cold sweat each night. Talking in his sleep, he says "I do not understand, we paid the Vikings off. I thought they were appeased."

Pouring sand from his upraised hand, the President said "If you reporters don't start being nice to me I'll crush you like I crushed this diamond. Yeah that's right, it's called Captains of Crush. Come on, punks, bring it on. I told you don't mess with Texas."

The entrance to Auschwitz labor camp, which the UN has just identified as the focal point of the lies the Zionists used to take over the Western media and hold Muslims down everywhere.

Deflecting criticisms of racism for colluding with former Klansman Sen. Byrd to block the nomination of the first black female secretary of state, Sen. Barbara Boxer proves she is not a racist by showing off her "black friend" to the Senate.

During a visit to London, not wanting to insult his hosts (or throw up in public like his father), President Bush tells British Prime Minister Tony Blair and his wife "no really, I love English food."

The TV series 24 has become extremely popular in the mideast since rumors started that the second half of this season will be about how all terrorism is America and Israel's fault.

A Marine, apparently a Republican, lays down barbed wire near a polling place in Iraq, a blatant use of intimidation tactics to keep blacks from voting.

Jan Egeland of the UN specifically thanked the other, non-US and non-Australian navies of the world for helping with the tsunami disaster.

Satire Writers Out Of Work: World Too Crazy

2005-01-27T08:55:00.000-06:00

Across the country comedy writers are being laid off, but not because of reality TV. A buzz was generated at the latest National Comedy and Satire Writers' Guild meeting, which took place in Paris, France yesterday, when TV "fake news" anchor Jon Stewart proclaimed "that's it, we're all out of jobs. The real world is nuttier than stuff even I can dream up."

This latest admission came upon news that the UN was appointing a fast-acting, human rights crisis-responding "Action Panel" consisting of, besides Hungary, the nations: China, Zimbabwe, and Cuba. These countries will be responsible for making decisions on what human rights crimes are to be investigated and prosecuted.

"Usually we like when politicians act stupid," Dennis Miller said, "but there at least needs to be some sanity. But nowadays, politicians are so extreme, there's no room for hyperbole. I used to joke that the UN wants to put tyrants and terrorists in charge of human rights monitoring. Now they went and did it."

Nationwide there has been an increase of 50% in unemployment applications among entertainers over the past month. At the Paris conference, which was picked last year when times were better for them, the expensive catering had been replaced with ham sandwiches. And many of the comedians looked like they had slept in the clothes they were wearing.

"China?" said Dennis Miller, "I mean hello, the nation that puts you in prison if you hand a public newspaper to a foreigner? And straps women down and forcibly gives them abortions and sterilizations? Putting them on a human rights watch panel is like giving DeGaulle a prize for humility. Oh they did? Well that's like giving a terrorist that helped kill a school full of children the Noble Peace Prize. What? They did that already? Damn! What is it with these guys?"

"How am I supposed to earn a living?" said current SNL news anchor Tina Fey. "Every time I write commentary about the news, I find out the truth is even worse.

"I was going to write about how the Republicans stole the election in Ohio, but then learned there was widespread fraud suspected in Milwaukee and Philadelphia, where Kerry won by even less. And now the FBI is investigating Milwaukee because of all the dead people that voted there. I didn't think there really was voter fraud, I just thought Boxer was making it up to get headlines."

Between speeches famous comedy writers like Conan O'Brian called on the more fortunate writers to give donations for the less fortunate satire and news-oriented writers, at least until the world gets less crazy.

"And look at Zimbabwe," said former SNL news anchor Norm MacDonald, "where the government encouraged murders of white people, and passed 'land-reform' that is causing mass famine and deaths? Just like every other mass starvation caused by Communist regimes like the Ukraine, USSR, China, North Korea."

Crashing the event was Jeanine Garofalo, who shouted "Our leaders are Nazis. Sure they want to confuse you saying the Nazis were socialists like me. But don't be confused by 'history.' Democracy doesn't work, we need violent revolution. America is a fascist state that takes away our freedom of speech. We are not allowed to speak our minds -"

At this point Garofalo was interrupted by Dennis Miller as he was being dragged away by French police, yelling "Hey where are you taking me? Hey, I can criticize DeGaulle! What about freedom of speech? This is a free country! Oh wait we're in France, damn I forgot it's illegal to criticize government leaders here. Hey!"

While Miller was dragged away we noticed many of the event goers were actually asleep. We woke a few up to find out why, and were told most of them were too weak from not eating. Things are so bad they are not even getting food.

"How can we make fun of a world like this?" asked David Sedaris, "where world leaders, not just kooks, actually believe peace means taking the side of terrorists? These are the same people that condemned the US's working with bad guys during the Cold War. So which is it? I can't possibly top that, I may as well give up. Watch, next the Red Cross will want Saddam released. Aren't there suffering people somewhere for them to help? Hey that's my joke, you can't steal it."

Already the new UN Action Panel has called for President Bush and Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld to be prosecuted for war crimes in Iraq and torture at Guantanamo Bay, which included playing "good cop, bad cop" and playing loud rock "devil's" music, which is offensive to Muslims. They also called for the release of Saddam Hussein, saying he was the target of a hate and propaganda campaign.

"Dammit!" yelled Sedaris when the news wire was read.

"Come on now, this is getting ridiculous," said Stewart, "how am I supposed to make fake news that is better than that? Ok you crazy UN guys, knock it off."

Noble Savages Prove Superiority

2005-01-26T00:23:00.000-06:00

Over a hundred thousand people died in the recent South Asian Tsunami, yet all of the Morgan tribe on the Thai island of Ko Surin Thai survived. Their survival has rocked the modern world and its ideas of "preparedness." Anthropologists and sociologists around the world are heralding this tribe's survival, while so many others died, as proof of the superiority of native ways, and are flocking to this corner of the world to study them to learn what truths we can take to apply to our modern lives. If indeed our lives remain modern and we don't find we should just return to our old hunting and gathering ways.

The Morgan tribe lives on the side of a large hill. When the wave hit, they had all already ran to the top of the hill, and thus were saved. But how did they know to go to the top of the hill? That is the question we, and leading anthropologists, sought to answer.

Salaman, the leader of the tribe, told us about the ancient wisdom he used to save his tribe. "I saw the wall of water coming, turned around and screamed 'Run as fast as you can! It's coming!'"

"As you can see, these people's ancient ways are clearly superior to our own," said Clyve Weatherspoon, Oxford professor of anthropology. "Imagine what prehistoric instinct told Salaman to tell his people to run - instinct that we have lost. Perhaps if we returned to the ancient ways, more people would have survived."

"This event proves the futility of our modern society," Barbara Chicherio, member of the Green National Committee of the Green Party USA, "these hunter-gatherers did something we could not. And now governments want to waste money on a tsunami warning system, when we have a biological one right here in these people."

After being evacuated to the small mainland harbor town of Khura Buri, the Morgan tribespeople marveled at the medical technology available.

"My diabetes is finally under control," said Mai Mai, an elderly woman of the tribe, "or as we call it, 'the disease that kills everyone at age 40.'"

"Look how much food there is!" said Juju, a twenty-five year old hunter, "usually it takes several days of hunting to bring back food to feed my three children. But look at all these shops in this market, the food is right here for the taking, for just some animal pelts. This is the best idea I ever saw."

"We will soon be repatriating the Morgan to their paradise island," said Chicherio, "they are already being corrupted by modern society. Look at that teenage girl, she would never wear clothes in the jungle, now look at her, covering herself up. Do you think she wants that? Do you think she wants the boys of her tribe to not be able to see her body. Who will want to buy her if they cannot see her?

"Many indigenous tribes have asked to stay. Obviously they are not thinking clearly, what use do they have for power or even steel tools? To build better shelters? They like their mud and straw huts, where every day is a fight for survival, hoping you'll find enough food that week, matching wits with Mother Nature. I truly envy them their existence, and I'm sure they can't wait to get back.

"Hey! Hands off that med-pack! You! Give me those rations back! Bad tribesman! Bad bad bad!

"Our evil society and technology has corrupted them. That is why we are forcibly repatriating them all. They will forget all the modern medicine and goods they could have soon enough.

"If only we could learn more from them. But our materialism is just too pernicious. They must be isolated for their own good. Someday they will thank us. Well, they won't be able to thank us, being isolated with no communication - but I'm sure if they could they would."

NOW Wants Abortion Criminalized

2005-01-25T00:05:00.000-06:00

We interviewed Mary Ludheim, president of the National Organization of Women (NOW), about China's one child policy and their recent law criminalizing abortions.

"China is perhaps the most progressive country in the world when it comes to women's rights," she said, "Children are not at home annoying their mothers, but often when not in school they get to work in factories, where they are seen and not heard, and punished if their productivity falls. This relieves women in China of much of the burden of child-rearing and puts it on the state, where it should be.

"The One Child policy, which I have stated over and over is truly positive for women and something we should implement here, also helps women get out of the house and into the workforce, since it is easier when you only have one child, especially when that child works 12 hour days in a factory. China has truly shown us the way to make these whiney brats not a burden anymore.

"There are some bad apples though, as there are in any society. Some women actually want to keep their retarded children, instead of mercifully putting them down. What good can a retarded child do for anyone? Not only that, there are some women that actually want to have children, and want to stay home to 'raise them right.' This arrogance cannot be tolerated. Imagine a parent thinking they can do a better job raising their children than the state can, whose education is influenced by NGOs such as NOW.

"Just the fact that anyone would want to have a child proves they are crazy. Children are punishment.

"Not only that, some women in China even try to have more than one child. Which is truly selfish. You know how much grain it takes to feed one child? That food could go to the needy, or to pay a salary of a woman wanting to work. That is why we support strapping the woman down and vacuuming them out. Forced sterilization is the only way to treat these women who only understand violence. And by violence I mean sex with men.

"And now we come to the truly evil and disgusting part. I'm sure you know about the great difference in birth rates of males and females in China. Some women, since they can have only one child, think it's ok to have an abortion if the fetus is female. It is not just a minority of the women either. I cannot believe the self-hatred so many women have. How dare they take away the potential lives of those innocent little women?

"China first started by saying women cannot have an abortion only because the fetus is female. This is not a restriction on their rights it is protection for female babies still in their mother's wombs, and we completely support it. But it has not worked, women are still terminating pregnancies if the fetus is female. So now finally last month, China has passed a law handing out criminal penalties to women who want elective abortions if the fetus is female.

"Finally China is doing the right thing to protect women. By not allowing elective abortions, they are protecting women from themselves. Evil women who want to kill baby girls will have to use coathangers now. Good riddance. The day this law passed was a great day for women in China.

"Hopefully our own government will see the wisdom in China's plan. We know we are overpopulated. As Malthus showed us, the human race cannot improve farming techniques and we should have died out decades ago. I don't know why were are still here, but I know each day that goes by we are in more and more danger. We need to control our population.

"That is why we are lobbying Congress to copy the Chinese plan. We should only allow people to have one child. Especially the poor and black people, since they are so much more ... needy. Yeah, that's why. And we should learn from China's mistakes and make elective abortions illegal right away, before we have too many abortions of baby girls. We know what is right for women, they can trust us.

"We must protect the rights of women. If that means we have to make decisions for women in order to make sure they keep their rights, then that is what we must do. We cannot allow people to use their rights to hurt themselves."

Michael Moore Not Giving Back Oscar

2005-01-24T09:15:00.000-06:00

Michael Moore announced today that he is not giving back his Academy Award for Bowling For Columbine in the documentary category, despite growing evidence that it was a mockumentary, not a documentary.

"Moore has done us all a great disservice," said Heimy Whiney, President of the Documentarian Society of America (DSA). "In all three of his movies, he presented partial truths and outright lies, and pretended it was a documentary, and all true.

"We have nothing against one sided documentaries, but they have to present the truth. Hell, I hate George Bush too, so do all enlightened people, duh! But if I lie in order to convince you that Bush lied, how do you know Bush really lied?

"He broke the Documentarian's Code."

"The Documentarian's Code binds us together," said George Blunt, Secretary General of DSA, "it unifies us, guides us. Without it, we are no different than any other movie maker. For a Documentarian to break the Code is the worst offense, since we can no longer trust anything he says. Whosover breaks the Documentarian's Code must suffer the worst punishment we can meet out: he shall be stripped of his camera and forced to eat salad, with diet dressing.

We spent some time trying to track down Moore. After our last interview regarding the giant turd boulder, he stopped going to his usual haunts, such as In N Out Burger, 7-Eleven, Wiener Factory, and even Hot Dog On A Stick.

Thanks to one of our sources we found his home. Knowing he would not talk to us, we began our converstation on the intercom at his driveway gate:

EOTB: Hi Michael Moore? This is Markos Zúniga, of Daily Kos? What up dog? Wanna blow some bile about the chimp?

MM: Kos? No shit dude, come in, I'm just injecting some hot dogs intrevenously. I'll buzz you in.

[we come in and confront him]

MM: Hey, you aren't Kos! What is this, you just break in?

EOTB: No, you let us in. We want to talk to you about Bowling For Columbine.

MM: Get the hell out, what kind of journalists are you? You can't just ambush people!

[after several hours of grilling, and withholding hot dogs until he talked, we got the following confession]

MM: All right, all right I lied, are you happy? The NRA was not started by Klan members, it was started by Union officers. Their earliest platforms were to protect black people's right to own guns, because back then black people needed guns to protect them from getting lynched, and the Democrats wanted to take that right away because they thought the blacks would "rise up." But that is not exciting or interesting. Can I have my hot dogs back?

EOTB: Not yet, tell us more.

MM: Fine, jerks!

[sob]

That bank in Michigan actually doesn't give the guns away at the bank, you had to pick them up at a gun store four hours away after a background check. I asked them to let me film it inside and just made it look like they gave them out at the bank! But they only did that for me because I called two months before and they wanted to be in a movie. So when I say it happened exactly like that, technically I'm not lying, see my genius?

And fine! We never gave money to the Taliban, ok? I lied about that too! And we didn't abandon Afghanistan after their war with Russia, but gave lots of humanitarian aid. We only stopped once the Taliban started taking over.

There! Are you happy? Damn you!

[cries]

How dare you come in here and make me tell the truth! Don't you know the truth isn't important? It's the emotional truth that is important.

Don't you get it? If I lie it doesn't matter. Bush lied to you, how can you not get that?

That is what matters, not if I lie! There is a higher standard for the president, you should be more worried about his lies.

EOTB: What did he lie about? Are you referring to the Nigerian documents? Can you offer proof the President knowingly lied? And even that that was the reason we went war?

MM: Of course we cannot prove he lied, we just know he did, that is all that is important. It's a conspiracy, don't you know? Of course those documents were not the reason we went to war, but we need to keep saying it was. Remember it's the emotional truth that is important, not the real truth on the surface.

He and his neocon cronies are too good at lying, that is why we are forced to lie! All our arguments about his lies are lies, sure, but that doesn't mean he didn't lie too!

Are you happy now? You jerk.

[sob]

Just one thing, Please, please don't tell the Documentarian Society of America. They'll make me eat salad!

After awhile, not being able to stand seeing a grown man cry, we had mercy and gave him his hot dogs back. He also asked us to publish his entire interview without "cutting or editing it together out of order, even though that's perfectly valid journalism which is why I do it," which we agreed to not do.

Liberals For Love Protest President

2005-01-23T13:22:00.000-06:00

At the inauguration this week, Liberals For Love was one of the groups that showed up. "We are against American foreign aggression," said Zack Wartlove, "The US is an international bully. That is why we are here protesting this Nazi we have elected. We support pulling out of Iraq immediately, so that the insurgents will win. After all, they are the minutemen just like our revolutionaries over 200 years ago. The Iraqi people don't want elections, you can't use force to create democracy. Just look at Japan and Germany, did it work there? I think not!

"We need to be more like France, which never uses force except in extreme circumstances to stop evil. Such as defending Hutus in Rwanda, or North Africans in the Sudan, or anti-democracy rebels in the Ivory Coast."

Wartlove took us on a tour through the protestors at the Inauguration. We recorded the types of protests we saw:

Top five slogans:

To Dr. Rice: Go back to yo massah, Aunt Jemimah!
To Bush: I hope a suicide bomber kills you, fascist pigs!
To Holocaust survivors: No more Jew control! Die Jews and Republicans!
To Bush: Hopefully more of our boys will die in Iraq, that will show you!
To Bush: I wish I were a suicide bomber, you hatemonger!

Top five forms of protest:

Beating up Bush supporters, shouting "Stop suppressing our freedom of speech!"
Smashing FOX news cameras, shouting "Stop reporting pro-US stuff, you propaganda machine!"
Attacking Army recruiters, shouting "Stop lying to our kids. Go to Iraq and die!"
Spitting on wounded Marines, shouting "Feel sorry for Iraqi children, war criminal!"
Push Bush supporters in front of cars, saying "Just because we're anti-imperialist doesn't mean we're against violence."

"I feel we must apologize for that last guy," Wartlove told us after we showed him our observations, "obviously he is just a nutcase, he does not speak for the rest of us. When Republicans spout their hate speech, it's systemic among them. But when Democrats do it, it's just individual nuts."

This Week In Pictures 2

2005-01-21T00:07:00.000-06:00

Seen here playing their favorite game, "Cowboys and Indians," the President dodges an arrow running for cover while the First Lady shoots her Colt revolver. Not pictured are the "Indians," Dick and Lynn Cheney, and Dick's personal "medicine man."

The real reason Judge Rehnquist got off his sick bed to perform the inaugural services.

In what has been described as a "breakthrough" in panda repopulation, scientists deduce that the reason for the low libido and birthrate of panda bears may be due to alcoholism.

Stan Lee tries out for remake of Saturday Night Fever.

Fashion Police arrest another woman for wearing too much pink, which was last year's color. This officer was so horrified he had to close his eyes.

To show support for the troops, DC police offer free hernia checks to soldiers.

Bush supporter, with tape over mouth to symbolize oppression and censorship, uses her freedom of speech to demonstrate freedom Iraqis did not have two years ago. Either that or Bush protestor uses her freedom of speech to demonstrate she doesn't know what the words mean.

Jenna Bush waves to Ozzie Ozbourne during the Inaugural celebration

"I'm crushing your head!" Dr. Rice said, frustrated with Senator Boxer's allegations of lying. Later Senator Boxer told us "I don't know why she was upset. I just said she was a house slave who couldn't think for herself, just like Powell and Clarence Thomas."

Senator Robert Byrd managed to delay Dr. Rice's appointment until next week, saying "It will be a cold day in hell before I let that ***** ****** ****** become the ***** Secretary of the ***** State. God made made the races separate for a reason, so the strongest would rule over the rest." In response, the New York Times re-ran a story from several years ago about Trent Lott paying Strom Thurmond a compliment.

Demonstrators protest sending troops to fight in Iraq. Jeann Guavara, pictured at left, told us "Violence is wrong. Why are our men over there when there's capitalists right here that must be killed before they commit more violence?"

Isn't that the Syrian "peace" agent we met last week for "fact checking?" I see he likes the nice rooftop spot we got him overlooking the inauguration.

Media Laments Survival of Operators

2005-01-20T10:34:00.000-06:00

"We just don't know what to do anymore," said Lance Brickhower, of the Associated Press, "it seems no matter how hard we try, we can't get these guys killed." We were interviewing Lance in Paris about some of the recent news stories detailing covert operators or operations.

"A few weeks ago," he said, "we printed pictures of several SEALs, showing their faces to all the world. Were there any rewards offered for their death? No. Were any of them in danger? No. In fact, I just received word they are all still alive!

"Then last week I helped Seymour Hersh tell the world about our Special Operations Warriors that are active performing reconnaissance duty in Iran, supposedly looking for evidence of nuclear weapon technology. And from my sources in Iran, so far none of our guys have been caught! Even though we wrote in the article they were not only looking for nuclear technology, but probably part of some dastardly plot to overthrow the Iranian government and impose democracy on them, which they don't want or understand. Why haven't the Iranians caught them yet?

"Even Valerie Plame is still walking around.

"It used to be so easy. During the Vietnam war, we easily managed to get contracts put out on men such as Carlos Hathcock, Donald Hamblen, and Richard Marcinko. All we had to do was pass intelligence through our 'news reports' to the NVA, and bam! instant hit contract.

"Now it's like we have to paint a big bullseye in the desert.

"That is not to mention the damn Pentagon. That was very sneaky of them to put embedded journalists in. They said it was so journalists would be up close and be able to report the truth. Ha! Really it was so they'd get Helsinki Syndrome, or in facist mil-speak, esprit de corps, and our poor journalists would get brainwashed and not report about the horrible deaths our military was causing, instead only reporting propaganda. This made our job very hard.

"We have to unfortunately use our plan number two: keep printing all the negative news from Iraq but none of the good, to hopefully keep reminding Americans that while not all war is bad, all wars we happened to get involved in are bad. Maybe that way if the war drags out more of our guys will die and we'll be forced to leave. Then the world will know we were right!

"It seems like we always have to fall back on that plan in every conflict.

"Remember, we're only doing this for the troops."

[Update: 10:38 am - ed]

We sought out Mary Mapes to find out what is the next step in her career. We got to talking about our interview published this morning with Lance Brickhower about the media's unsuccessful attempts to get US servicemen killed. We learned Mapes has inside knowledge of some of the future plans of the Columbia School of Journalism.

"Actually, what Lance doesn't know is we have a plan," she told us. "I have signed up to work with the Columbia School of Journalism. We have instituted a new program to build several on-location schools in other parts of the world. This was necessary to get our young reporters out from under the influence of the conservative media like CBS. They get to see other people's lives and learn that America is not only not the only way, but that no country is better than any other. (Well except the US I guess, we're worse).

"These schools, or madrassahs, if you will, also teach our journalists how to survive. As you can see in this video, we teach them escape and evasion, and how to resist brainwashing and torture. That way, when they are embedded with US servicemen, they can resist developing feelings for them and objectively report on their war crimes.

"We also show them how to talk to freedom fighters and minutemen, to show them we are impartial and on the side of truth, which just happens to be their side as well. This worked great for the French journalists who were just released, and those hawks in Washington say we shouldn't give terrorists what they want!

"Finally, we teach them how to defend themselves in court when they give away the locations and identities of US personnel. It is our duty to expose war criminals. Yes, now is a great time to be a journalist. It is a time of great change. It is sad that so many US personnel will die, but we have to do this. It is not our fault, it is Bush's fault. We are doing our duty as Americans."

Libertarian Party Teaches Refugees to Fish

2005-01-19T00:33:00.000-06:00

In the wake of the South Asian Tsunami, many groups have poured in to help the refugees. One group is the Libertarian Party of America. We interviewed Michael Badnarik, the Libertarian Party's candidate for US President in 2004, in Aceh, Indonesia, about how the Libertarians are bringing their unique brand of help to this suffering region.

"As I sit here in Aceh," he said, "I am reminded of these ancient words: give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime. This is what we Libertarians believe in, and how we conduct our charity. We don't simply give food and medical supplies away to these people, but rather we train them on how to provide for themselves. With the fishing it is easy, many of the men in this village have been fishing all their lives.

"Training them to be doctors is taking a little longer though."

As we looked around, we saw tsunami refugees fishing, their starved bodies barely strong enough to haul the nets in. Unfortunately due to the tsunami, it seems mostly garbage and debris get caught in their nets, rather than fish.

"The death toll keeps rising. With the small amount of fish, and devastation of any agriculture from the wave, it's very difficult to help these people feed themselves," Badnarik said over our lunch of shrimp cocktail and Australian Chiraz. "I'd say so far we've fed about 25% of the survivors, it's difficult but we are not just trying to help them survive, but help them to keep living in the long term."

He also showed us some of the makeshift hospitals that were set up. We saw bodies of many dead and dying people in the tents. "Where are the doctors?" we asked.

"The doctors are still being trained," he said, and brought us to the school, which was a tent with a few doctors from the UN up front and a number of Indonesians writing furiously in their notebooks. "We are very proud of our medical school. Normally it takes years to become a doctor, but we're boiling emergency medicine down to a few weeks. Then we can send these new doctors out to train others.

"We like to think of ourselves as 'force multipliers.'

"Here, would you like some extra malaria pills? These things are like candy, I just can't stop."

We also saw new construction and houses being built. We watched a group of Indonesians who hadn't eaten in days take an hour to pull the side of a house up, with UN civilian contractors watching and directing. The houses appeared even to our untrained eyes as not being quite up to code. We learned later that there had been several collapses and fires among the new construction.

"We cannot just give them charity or help," Badnarik explained, "if we do that they will not learn from their mistakes - they will become dependent on us. Then what will happen to them when we leave?"

Religious Groups Flood Indonesia

2005-01-18T10:22:00.000-06:00

With the humanitarian disaster in south Asia, many NGOs, have traveled to Indonesia to help, including religious groups interested in helping the soul as well as the body.

Of the Muslim groups, one such group is Laskar Mujahidin. Their refugee camp has signs posted with "Islamic Law Enforcement" written on them. "We spent a lot of time killing Christians the past decade," Muhammed Al-Ackbar, spokesman for the group told us, "but we realized we were getting a lot of bad press internationally for this. Then when this tidal wave hit, it was like a gift from Allah. We could simply take over the areas where they live and make them dependent on us.

"For instance, see that woman in the burkha over there? She used to be a doctor. She even tried to help some of the people injured in the wave. It makes me sick. Now she is my housewife and stays inside. She is happier now than she ever was, and during those times I allow her to speak, she doesn't complain at all. Just think, if the tsunami didn't hit, she would be living an unhappy life defying the will of Allah."

"I now know I was defying the will of Allah, the merciful," said Looklee, a fisherman, "but Laskar Mujahidin helped me, after cutting off my hands, to realize how merciful and peaceful Allah is, and how I will be forgiven. My sin? Oh yes, I watched the devil's instrument, the satellite television. Back before the wave when we had television. Thank Allah the blessed and merciful that my home, along with the infernal satellite dish, has been destroyed. And even better, with no hands anymore I cannot work, so will be dependent on Allah to provide, thus reminding me of his benevolence every day.

"Can you get me the hell out of here?"

One of the Christian groups is WorldHelp, which is building an orphanage for hundreds of children who lost their parents, where they will also receive a Christian education. "This tsunami is a gift from God," said Jeremy Blaind, coordinator of their Indonesian division. "This is a perfect opportunity for us to swoop in and start converting people. All we need to do is tell them God is punishing them for worshipping their false prophet, and he will send another wave if they don't convert. These children would have grown up Muslim, but thank God their parents' died.

"Hey Jundi," he said to one of the children, "do you call these shoes shined?"

"I like the new people," Jundi later told us, "they tell us Jesus died because of the Jews, who also persecute Muslims. And that Jesus wants us to work hard making clothes like the Apostle Paul made tents. I even get a bowl of rice a day, which was more than I had to eat before. At least they let me read here, which is better than the Laskhar Mujahideen camp. My friend JooJoo lives there - they banned reading."

Fundamentalist Mormons are also pouring into Indonesia to help.

"With this tsunami, so many parents have died that there are many young girls that need help," said John Hathaway of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS). "When I think of all those young, starving, supple women, I cannot help but cry. We asked ourselves, who would love them and take care of them? And love them? ...

"... Excuse me, sorry I zoned out for a minute there. What were we talking about?

"Oh yes the tsunami. Since we are being run of out El Dorado, and there are so many orphaned young women in need, this seemed like a perfect place for us to live. In the US we are persecuted, but here, no one bats an eyelash if I want to marry a few 12 year old girls. And since my youngest wife is already 16, I really need to find a younger one. Sixteen my God I feel like I'm married to my grandma.

"God has truly blessed us by killing these children's parents.

"Also, groups like Laskar Mujahidin were very happy to learn of our stockpile of weapons and 50 caliber machine guns and special kool-aid. They also are persecuted by the government for their religious beliefs and called 'terrorists.' But together we can build a better Indonesia, where we finally have the weapons we need to defend our way of life, and where no girl over 12 goes unmarried."

Mujahideen Getting Sloppy

2005-01-17T17:24:00.000-06:00

Yesterday eighty prisoners in Afghanistan were released. Afghan Chief Justice Fazl Hadi Shinwari congratulated them on their freedom and told them to be grateful to return to their families.

Today eighty-one terrorists were caught in Iraq.

Coincidence? Apparently not.

"This is evidence they are getting tired and sloppy," said Marine Master Sgt. Butch Thunder, "they were only released one day and already were captured again. We expected them to at least last a few weeks. They barely even put up a fight.

"This just shows they are not as committed as the liberal media made them out to be. They are weakening, and now is the time for us to take advantage of their weakness."

When asked about the extra terrorist caught, the Master Sgt. said "These men have been stuck in prison with only each other for a couple years now. There's a lot of missing sheep around here. I'll leave it at that."

MLK Rolls Over In Grave

2005-01-17T10:30:00.000-06:00

Jesse Jackson, in a speech to a church in Jonesboro, GA, said "War, poverty, violence and social injustice are dampening Martin Luther King Jr.'s legacy.

"Certainly, my race-baiting and grandstanding have only helped his legacy.

"It's easy to admire Dr. King," Jackson told the 650 people at the church. "It's a challenge to follow him.

"That's why I gave up following him.

"Martin Luther King, Jr. was a great man, but come on, his time, his ideas, have passed. Life was easier for us back in the 60s. It was easy to say we should be judged by the content of our character and not the color of our skin. But now life is much harder. We know that color-blind justice can never be achieved, so the only way to get what we want is to allow ourselves to be judged by the color of our skin, except we also will do some judging of our own!

"We also need to end the war in Iraq. We have to fight for our own freedom, screw everyone else. Those darkie sand people can fight for their freedom, or be enslaved by dictators. I don't care, because it's not my war! Say it with me!"

Louis Farrakhan also spoke, saying "Martin Luther King, Jr. was not a conservative, as Whitey would have you believe. I say he was a Democratic Socialist, and now I say what we need is a new National Democratic Socialist Party. It is the capitalists, Jews and the communists that have held African Americans down. That is why I issued the Final Call. And when it is answered, we will implement the Final Solution."

Local Idiot Learns About Frostbite

2005-01-17T01:44:00.000-06:00

Peoria, IL native George McDufus learned something new this week: that 2nd degree frostbite looks just like a 2nd degree burn. He learned this the hard way, not outside in the cold, but inside his apartment.

"I pulled a muscle last week while walking across the street," he told us as we interviewed him lying in his bed, "I was just walking and bam! It felt like a rubber band snapped in my leg and I couldn't walk on it anymore.

"So the next day I was basically an invalid. Luckily for me there was a K9-5 marathon on Animal Planet. Have you seen that show? It's so cool.

"K9-5, up at the crack of dawn
K9-5, workin on and on
You love your job
It feels great to be alive
Workin like a dog
K9-5

"Yeah that show is great.

"Oh yeah, my leg. Anyway I had this ice pack to put on my leg to take the pain away. Well, I didn't wrap it in a towel since I figured the towel will absorb the cold, right? And I used these velcro elastic bands to hold it on my leg since it was on the back of my leg.

"So I'm sitting there watching K9-5 with this ice pack strapped to my leg. Did you know there is a drug dog in England that is so successful that a crime boss actually put out a contract on him?

"Oh yeah, my leg. Anyway yeah so you know how it can hurt when you put ice against you since it's so cold. Well it really hurt, I mean oddly enough it felt like it was burning. But I figured, you know, real men don't feel pain, right? So I just toughed it out for 30 minutes. I am a believer in ignoring pain.

"So the next day, my leg really hurts, and I look down, and it is all red and scarred in a perfect square, right where the ice pack was. It even had blisters and everything. I wasn't sure what happened. Then I looked it up on the web, and realized I had 2nd degree frostbite.

"I think it's kinda cool how the freezing felt just like burning, and it even looks like a 2nd degree burn. I feel like I really learned something. Maybe I'll write a medical paper on it, who knows maybe it will make me famous.

"Though next time I think if my leg feels like it's burning I will remove whatever is causing the pain. I don't know though, I don't want to be a wimp about it."

CBS Fears Report May Be Forged

2005-01-16T10:34:00.000-06:00

This week CBS replaced it's PDF file of the Thornburgh-Boccardi report with another PDF that was locked so readers could not copy and paste parts out of it. The reason they gave was:

To allow copying of text to applications such as Word would allow anyone to create a modified or falsified report, which we cannot allow.

We sought further clarification, so we contacted Ralph Simiansee of CBS's legal department.

"Ever since the Thornburgh-Boccardi report came out, we were worried about forgery of the report," he told us, "Anyone could copy and paste and change the wording."

"But couldn't you just point to the original report?" we asked.

"Well that's the problem," he responded, "if you read the report, even though two of the most respected typography experts in the country proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that it would be impossible for the reports to be typed since no equipment existed that could do it, the panel still couldn't conclude that they were forgeries. If that is true, how can we prove someone else's forgery is a forgery? Just by pointing to our website where the original report was? How would you know which one is the original? One thing is for sure, you can't prove anything."

The report has also been having repercussions in other areas of the law.

"I had three cases get dismissed last week," said Secret Service Special Agent Brad Johnson, "the defense pointed to the CBS report and said it is impossible to prove forgery. No matter how much evidence you have that a dollar bill is counterfeit, it is always possible that it is not. For instance, aliens from Zogma might have come back with dollar bills from the future and unwittingly spent them.

"It is really aggravating. Look at these two dollar bills. The one on the left is the real one, the one on the right is obviously counterfeit. Look at it, it looks fake even to a non-expert like you. But the problem is ever since the CBS report, I can't prove it's counterfeit in a court of law. Since apparently the standard for counterfeit evidence has changed, and not instead of reasonable doubt, no matter how many experts agree with you, as long as there is some minute possibility, no matter how unreasonable, then you can't say it's counterfeit."

"I had to go out of business," said Amarnath Tamil, owner of an import/export business. "One of my buyers paid me $20,000 in counterfeit bills. When I tried to collect damages, he countersued me, saying I had to take the counterfeit money. In court, his defense lawyer, Johnny Cochrane, used the new Thornburg-Boccardi standard, which says it's impossible to determine forgeries. The court sided with them, and I had to take the money. Obviously my bank wouldn't accept it, the Secret Service can't touch it anymore, and I am out $20,000. I am ruined.

"Those damn aliens, coming back in time and making it impossible to prove anything!"

"We are really disappointed in this blatant disregard of human rights," said Pacifists for Understanding Criminals representative Julie Love. "To even believe that such a thing as forgery exists is blatantly racist. The idea that money or documents must be 'investigated' or 'vetted' is an insult to the person paying. We should trust people more, and always believe everything everyone says, except what neocons say, because they are vicious and hateful and liars. But to ask for this 'evidence' of anyone else is to call them a liar.

"That's why we are lobbying Congress to eliminate the Secret Service and any FBI and police lab workers that are supposed 'experts' in 'forgery.' There's no such thing as forgery, there's only hate and bias against the Left and minorities."

This Week In The News

2005-01-15T11:57:00.000-06:00

Pablo Paredes, who wanted to leave the Navy to spend more time with his wife and told a JAG "I'm not a conscientious objector", but once his ship, the Bonhomme Richard, got deployment orders suddenly changed his story to seeking conscientious objector status, said about the fact that his ship was diverted to help tsunami victims: "when I said 'refuse to destroy another soul,' I didn't mean I would do the opposite: you know, like, help people?"

During his visit to Baghdad last week, Senator John Kerry plays "the world's smallest violin playing the world's saddest song" when soldiers tell him that, even more than armor, they'd like the media to start reporting the truth about the War in Iraq.

President Bush does "the robot" as he sings "We Are the Champions" at the White House's weekly karaoke party.

NASA and European Space Agency scientists were disappointed to learn that astronauts had apparently already been to Titan, judging by the fine dusting of Tang covering the surface.

Construction finished this week on Planned Parenthood's Playground for Unwanted Children. Below the waterline, the sign reads "You must be less than this height to play."

Kibabu, who became a father at Taronga Zoo in Sydney, made do with carrots when he could not acquire cigars to pass around.

Japanese manufacturer sees new "Supa Tuma" (Super Tumor) Phone as key to the goth and depressed teenager market.

Judge me by my size, do you?

CBS's Plan To Regain Credibility

2005-01-15T00:34:00.000-06:00

Things CBS is considering to regain credibility (or at least divert attention away from the question of credibility):

Add "Pinnochio Meter" to bottom of screen which always indicates the speaker is telling the truth, except when Republicans are being interviewed
When dealing with witnesses, remember: less foaming at mouth good
Hire P. Diddy as anchor for "believe us or die" campaign, since he has "street cred"
Have scrolling bar at bottom keep repeating: "Why do you care about us when Bush is lying to you?"
Between stories, say Hey, have you seen Number 6 on the new Battlestar Galactica?
Make sure witnesses in future reports were not committed to a psychiatric hospital
When all the experts you hire say the documents are fake, try listening to them
Change signoff to: But remember, nothing can be proven conclusively
Actually interview people who know something about the subject
Replace 60 Minutes Wednesday with Ann Coulter Dance Hour

Thornburgh and Boccardi, PI

2005-01-14T00:04:00.000-06:00

Springboarding from the success of their CBS investigation, Dick Thornburgh and Lou Boccardi went into business as Private Investigators. They have already established an impressive list of solved crimes.

Peoria, IL native Martin Vance was given worker's comp for an injury he sustained while working at a UPS loading dock. UPS's insurance company was not convinced that his story was true. They hired Thornburgh and Boccardi, PI to determine if Vance's injuries were real or not.

Thornburgh and Boccardi's report contained the following details:

Vance was videotaped playing hopscotch with his children, and also won a dance competition at his church

The signatures on Vance's doctor's certificate did not match that of his doctor

He was not actually at work on the day he was injured, he had taken the day off to go to Great America with his son.

The Thornburgh/Boccardi report concluded:

While Vance did not take care to eliminate the appearance of impropriety, we cannot conclude that he actually was not injured on the job, and therefore we cannot say he does not deserve the settlement. We find no evidence of fraud.

"I am really proud of that report," Boccardi told us, "it was really hard getting that data, but fun. I got to go buy black ninja outfits that I wore when I videotaped him through his windows, I even got to paint my face black. It was cool."

"People don't understand the stress we're under," said Thornburgh, "my reports could destroy people's lives. As long as there is any minute shred of doubt, such as maybe aliens from the planet Zogma came by whisked Vance to work, broke his leg, the whisked him back to Great America, then I cannot say he is guilty. Those same aliens are also suspected of going back in time to provide a typewriter capable of creating the 'Memogate' reports, since no such typewriter existed at the time."

"Those damn Zogma aliens," interjected Boccardi, "you can't prove anything anymore. Hey, how do we know you're going to print what I really say? Because if you don't, even though this is on tape, I can't prove it's a forgery."

"No," said Thornburgh, "especially with the possibility of aliens interfering. You can't prove anything anymore. Hey, those are cool nightvision goggles."

"Thanks," Boccardi said, "they were on sale."

Huge Turd Devastates California Countryside

2005-01-13T00:30:00.000-06:00

Michael Moore Sought For Questioning

A large turd swept across Topanga Canyon this week, destroying homes and blocking the Topanga Canyon Road. Thirty people were left homeless and four cars were destroyed in the turdalanche.

California DOT workers remove the large dung boulder blocking both lanes of the Topanga canyon Road. The operation is expected to take the rest of the week, as long as temperatures remain low.

"My house, will you look at it?" exclaimed Robert Nordstrom, vineyard owner. "I worked for years to save enough to build that house, now it's gone. Well, it's still there but, I'm sure as hell not going back in there. Whew, can you smell that?"

At first we investigated who could have made the giant turd. We managed to track down Michael Moore outside an In N Out Burger, as our most likely suspect. Here is a transcript of our interview:

MM: Hey, what are you doing here?

EOTB: We are here to ask you where you were last night, and what you had for dinner.

MM: What? That's none of your business! Did George Bush send you? He has a personal vendetta against me and Bill Burkett! He has spies everywhere!

EOTB: No Mr. Moore, we just want to know what you ate last night. Did you have a lot of fiber?

MM: Hate crime! First amendment! Hey everybody, I'm being harassed because I'm fat!

EOTB: Mr. Moore, we'd like to know where you were at 10:30 last night, the time the giant crap boulder was spotted.

MM: I'm gonna hold my breathe till I explode!

EOTB: Mr. Moore, can you just -

MM: You hate me because I tell the truth, don't you? You can't handle the truth, can you? The American people have been lied to. Sure by me, but that's not important. What's important is Bush lied!

EOTB: Mr. Moore, we really don't care about your movies, we're not from the NRA, we just want to -

MM: Don't care? How can you not care? I am he most important film maker in history! I tell the truth! The only truth! The emotional truth, the real story behind the story, that's what's important! You got real balls coming here, Mr. Republican, well I'll show you, I am not defenseless, I know kung fu!

EOTB: Ok we are running out of tape -

MM: You can't sneak up on me like this! What do you do, just ambush people? That's not journalism!

Despite his refusal to talk to us about his whereabouts, we were able to make some progress in tracking down the dung ball origins. We contacted several scientists about the possible origin of the massive dung ball. Unfortunately, DNA testing cannot be done on feces, since typically there is little to no material from the host animal to perform any testing. However, we were able to determine that the majority of the dung ball is composed of Twinkies and hot dogs.

But as we searched through old newspaper records, it turns out, this was not the first time gargantuan balls of feces have been sighted. In fact, there have been 30 sightings near Flint, Michigan alone. Coincidentally, Michael Moore lived in a suburb of Flint for much of his life. Not only that, but if you trace wherever Mr. Moore lived or was on location filming, somewhere around that exact time a massive dung boulder was reported terrorizing and destroying neighborhoods.

"My house is still der, un'er dat hill over der," said Clyve Huxley, resident of Columbine, Colorado. "While dat Moore fella were here filmin', a giant ball o' crap fell on top er my house. Dat hill is actury a crap hill. Just some grass grew o'er it, dat's all. Now - I don' know if dat crap came from Mr. Moore? But I reckon' it ain't natural, if you take my meanin'."

Submarines have attempted to dive down to the original epicenter of the earthquake that caused the south Asian tsunami last month, to see if it was caused by gigantic dung balls falling to the bottom, perhaps falling out of an overflying plane dumping its waste. Unfortunately the water there is too murky with a brown clay-like substance, presumably dirt and other refuse from the devastated islands nearby.

Elsewhere in California, lab tests have concluded that what at first was thought to be a "mud" slide, was actually something else: the result of too much Mexican food.

US Aid Effort Disorganized, Undermining UN

2005-01-12T00:12:00.000-06:00

Jan Egeland, UN undersecretary general for humanitarian affairs and emergency relief coordinator, told us "The US relief effort is uncoordinated and disorganized. All they're doing is handing out food and medicine. They aren't even having meetings. Sometimes the aid goes where it is not needed, there is so much.

"First of all, the US and the Australians were the first here, within 24 hours even. How could they possibly have known who needed aid on such short notice? The answer? They could not. Their aid went willy nilly to anyone, who knows who. Their president did not even make a speech first, they just started dumping aid. How can a country give aid without making a speech, and then holding coordination meetings?

"The President waited several days before making a speech, showing how he does not care. Kofi Annan did not make a speech until after the US President, once he had seen how the US and Australians were making a mockery of aid. He wisely took over to lead the way in aid.

"We began our coordination, meeting with other coordinators. Even after a week, we were still holding coordination meetings. Yet the entire time the US and Australia kept dumping their own version of aid on God knows who, we sure don't they did not bother to ask us first. They call that disaster relief? Ha!

"And then, Bush had the audacity to announce his own coordination with the few countries who were already providing aid. Can you believe the arrogance? First those countries rush into areas giving aid willy nilly, sometimes to the wrong people, without any coordination meetings at all. Then they think they can continue to do so without the UN to coordinate!

"We, the civilians of the UN, must be the ones to coordinate aid. The US military has no experience in disaster relief, they don't even like helping others. Look at them, they send an aircraft carrier! What good can can an aircraft carrier do?"

We went to the various aid agencies to find out what was going on, and why the US was undermining the UN.

"We have been buying toys for the kids from the shops on board our carrier," said Yeoman Arellano, "and our helicopters have been flying hundreds of sorties per day. The carrier can produce 900,000 gallons of fresh water per day. Most of us are barely getting any sleep, we are all working round the clock to help. We've been working with the Australian navy, with help from Japan and India, to get the most help out there that we possibly can."

"Toys? Ha!" Egeland responded when we showed him some of our interviews, "children cannot eat toys! You see these ridiculous Americans? We flew in Carol Bellamy, to coordinate the coordinators. Without proper coordination, the aid is wasted. If only the US would submit to the UN's moral authority, if only they waited to send the aid for a week until after the UN had it's coordination meetings, more people could have been saved.

"Now that we have this horrible tragedy, this is the perfect time to use this as a political opportunity to make the United States look bad. As God is my witness, these hundreds of thousands of people will not die in vain!"

Dead Protest Fraud Allegations

2005-01-11T01:30:00.000-06:00

"We are very upset at the allegations of fraud and malfeasance directed at us by Republicans in Washington State," said Elzoah Greybones, representative of Ghouls for Democrats. "It's bad enough that we are constantly under attack by Hollywood, what with their 'horror' movies and all, damaging our reputations. But now the Republicans want to take away our right to vote as well."

We interviewed Greybones as well as several other undead at a recent meeting of Ghouls for Democrats held in Seattle to discuss the recent Washington State governor election.

"It's a hard life, being undead," he continued, "we are hard workers, yet we suffer a 100% unemployment rate. No one will hire us, yet the Republicans don't want to give us social security benefits. Most of us live in poverty, wearing old tattered rags, Elijah over there has to wear chains because he can't afford a belt. It is not a pretty sight. Do you think we want to dress like this?

"The only time we can get any work is at Halloween, and there is only so much work to go around. Though thankfully this has been changing in the past decade, and some of our more recent dead have been able to get some work, thanks to LARPing - Live Action Role Playing - and more and more of these goth punk kids running around.

"It's not just lack of jobs and poverty. Children run from you, no one wants you around. Why just last week my friend Skullgore injured himself when he fell, hitting his head on the corner of a table. Half of his head was shorn off. But when he asked the family that lives in his home for help, did they? No, they yelled obscenities at him and ran away! They even hired a medium to get rid of him. Disgusting."

"No one wants to pway with me," said Bobby, a young looking boy of about 8 years old, with a cleaver stuck through his head, "All the othew kids wun away when I twy to pway. Onwy Mista Whiskas wilw pway," he said as he held up a dead rotting cat, (not an undead one, just a dead one.) "And Mista Whiskas is not as fun as he used to be. I wish the othew kids wiked me."

"I ha'en't been wid a man in years," Martha Mortlove, a large woman with a burned face and a mullet told us. "I drive de big rigs now, le' me tell you, it scares the living daylights out o' dem city folk when dey see my glowin' white rig come oud o' de fog. Hell it e'en scare the coun'ry folk. But damn, e'ry time I touch a man dey die of fright, an dat don' heep 'cause I ain' no necrophiliac, no sir. Am I really dat ugly?"

"And now, when we only want to vote like everyone else, the Republicans come along and try to stop us," a foppish man named Fantôme Monstre told us, "and to top it off, they insult our honor by saying we are fraudsters and jackobytes! I have never been so insulted in all my unlife. Why when I was a young lad in the Musketeers in France, I would have slain any man that dared speak to me that way.

"But these modern Republicans have no honor. When I went to the home of Dino Rossi to challenge him to pistols at dawn, did he accept? No, he ran from me like a catamite! Calling for a priest!"

"These sad stories are why tomorrow night," Skullgore told us, "we are calling for a mass protest of the dead outside the Capitol Building in Olympia, Washington. We have every right to vote, the Republicans can't take that away. Maybe they should start catering to us like the Democrats, who are perfectly happy with us voting. The Republicans want people to show ID when they vote, knowing we don't carry ID, they want to increase restrictions on undocumented workers ... in short, they are constantly against us.

"And now, when we helped get Gregoire elected, they want to overturn the election, saying our votes don't count! This is the last straw, we are going to march on the Capitol. Tomorrow night, the dead will walk!"

NAMBLA, Others, Flock to Netherlands

2005-01-10T13:57:00.000-06:00

With the re-election of George W Bush, many people, like the Kilbournes of Seattle, are fleeing the country. One of these groups is NAMBLA, the North American Man-Boy Love Association.

"You don't know how hard it is for us in America," said David Thorstad, pederasty author and speaker, "We are hated and persecuted, our research that man-boy love is natural is criticized. We are not even accepted in Colorado City, Arizona, where tens of thousands of polygamists live who marry 12 year old girls. You'd think that they would understand, being persecuted as well, but they don't believe in sex outside of marriage, or between males. Oh, life is so hard for us. I did not ask to be attracted to young boys, I was born this way.

"Now that we'll have four more years of neocon theocracy, we can only expect more persecution by the ultra right religious fanatics that are against men loving boys. We are finally giving up our quest to be able to love boys in peace in this country, and have begun looking elsewhere. After looking all over the world, we have finally found a country that will welcome us: the Netherlands.

"In Holland, the law states as long as you are married, you can have sex with anyone twelve years old or older. While this is great news for our members who believe in waiting until marriage, and those few of us who like girls, the unmarried age of consent is sixteen. While we are unhappy with this number, we are sure if enough of us move there then we can lower it. Already tens of thousands of men who love young people live in the Netherlands and Denmark." - sigh - "They have an open, tolerant society that encourages people to live in peace and harmony and not judge each other - because no one is wrong. I just wish people were like that here."

We interviewed Leslie Bergermeister, President of Protecting Our Children, to find out why he is trying to restrict the rights of Americans to love who they wish.

LB: "We are not trying to restrict anyone's rights," he said, "we are trying to protect children from predators. All people have an instinctive drive to protect children, it's genetically programmed into us, since it was necessary for the survival of our race."

EOTB: "So if we let NAMBLA love young boys, our species will go extinct? Isn't that the same gay bashing we've heard before?"

LB: "No, I'm saying it's instinctive to protect children. We should not ignore our conscience."

EOTB: "But these people don't feel their conscience being bothered. Why should we listen to you and allow you to enforce your morality on others?"

LB: "Those people aren't bothered because they are damaged. Look, in olden days, people didn't live long. It was common for teenagers to marry because life was hard and short. Now we have long lifespans, we can let children wait until they are mature."

EOTB: "Ah so you are trying to 'protect' children. Well we interviewed a young boy Johnny, and he told us 'My mommy and daddy are dumb. I don't need their protection, I can cross the street by myself.' Seems like children don't want or need your 'protection.'"

LB: "What? Are you brain damaged?"

EOTB: "Ad hominem attacks, eh? The last resort of the scoundrel. That's all the time we have, thank you for your time."

LB: "Wait - "

"We are, of course, very happy to accept any Americans that wish to flee George Bush," said Johan Karlsberg, Minister of Tourism, "We in the Niederland do not understand your - how do you call it - hang ups, about sex. People in the Niederland are free to do as they wish. If they want to marry a young girl, or force their daughter to marry, that is their choice. Or if their religion says they must kill someone, who are we to tell them they cannot? Freedom means we must allow people to do as they wish."

Another group moving to the Netherlands is the Society of Child Killers. Damien Sade, president of the group, told us "When we heard that the Netherlands was going to start allowing the killing of children after they are born, we realized that is the one country that will accept our kind. In America, these damn religious Nazis that now run the country want to tell people they have to live. Why can't I decide when children should die? Especially retards, damn I hate retarded kids!"

"The religious right has no right to tell us how long our relatives should live," said Terence Butter, Chairman of Die, Already! "In America, most health care money is spent on the elderly, but that is wrong, they should be allowed to die with what little dignity they have left after becoming old. The elderly really need to understand when it's their time, and if they don't understand, we should decide for them.

"My organization, Die, Already!, helps people move to the Netherlands with their parents, where they can help their parents along into the next world. The nazi-esque religious right in America thinks it has the right to tell people to live, or to tell our clients they can't kill their parents. With all that money locked up in treasury bills, they are expected to wait for it? It should be at least be invested in index funds."

"Like, some people just don't belong," said Sally Mayflower, member of Get Over It Or Get Lost, "People who are depressed are, you know, such a drag. Why don't they lighten up? If they are going to be down all the time, I say let them kill themselves. Like one time when my best friend said she wanted to, like, kill herself? I told her to move to the Netherlands? Where a doctor will, like, do it for you? Yeah so I haven't spoken to her since. She's probably on vacation. You know, 'cause, like, the Netherlands is sooo cool. Isn't that where pot is legal? Or is that Belgium?

"I hate Republicans. Get out of my pants, neocons!"

Retraction: Justice Dept Defines Torture

2005-01-08T10:24:00.000-06:00

On Friday, January 7, we printed an article implying the Justice Department took two years before writing guidelines on the difference between interrogation and torture. We found out we were wrong, that guidelines always existed, and interrogators at Guantanamo Bay often had to get permission from Donald Rumsfeld himself to do things like play good cop bad cop.

These guidelines have now been released by an ACLU FOIA lawsuit for the public to see for proper oversight of our government. They have also been faxed to Al-Quaeda and Hamas operatives in charge of their Escape and Evasion training so they are up to date on the latest US interrogation rules and restrictions.

We apologize for the error.

US Serviceman Tortured!

2005-01-08T10:00:00.000-06:00

We have obtained this transcript of a torture session involving a US Army serviceman. We warn readers that it is disturbing, but in the interests of truth we are presenting it in full detail.

ACLU 1: ACLU lawyer

ACLU 2: ACLU lawyer

RED CROSS: official Red Cross rep

SGT. JOHNSON: army interrogator

FEDERAL MARSHAL: Brock Landon, hard ass

ACLU 1

Now we will discuss how you tortured those prisoners at Guantanamo Bay

SGT. JOHNSON

Nobody tortured –

Aclu 2

Shut up! Don’t answer until we ask a question!

aclu 1

On the day in question, did you or did you not offer the prisoner a chance to look at the ocean if he answered your questions?

SGT. JOHNSON

It was the prisoner’s idea, he wanted –

aclu 2

Just say yes or no!

aclu 1

I’ll take that as a yes. So you admit you offered preferential treatment to one prisoner?

SGT. JOHNSON

Well, I also offered a candy bar to another

aclu 2

Did you hear that? He admits it! You tried to treat the prisoners differently, instead of all the same!

SGT. JOHNSON

Um, so?

aclu 1

But that is against our rules. You have to treat them all equal. You can’t give treats.

SGT. JOHNSON

Well I know, the Major wouldn’t let us –

aclu 2

You know what? I think this is the guy that wanted to give them MREs instead of nice spiced lamb.

SGT. JOHNSON

Only for one guy that wouldn’t cooperate. We thought if he had to ate what we ate, he might be more willing to cooperate.

aclu 2

Let me at him, why I oughta –

aclu 1

Relax, we’re not here to torture anybody. That’s Sgt Johnson’s job, isn’t it?

Sgt. Johnson

Wha-

aclu 1

On to my next question. On the 3^rd day in question, did you or did you not yell at a prisoner?

Sgt. johnson

I might have, I probably yelled a lot

aclu 2

Oh this guy is so pissing me off! Will you listen to yourself? You piece of -

aclu 1

Don’t worry, he’ll get his. Now Sgt. Johnson, did you ever strike a prisoner?

sgt. Johnson

No, that was against the rules.

aclu 1

Are you sure?

sgt. johnson

Yes, we had to get Rumsfeld’s personal permission to even offer them candy.

aclu 1

Well a Mr. Mohammed says you put your hands on him.

sgt. Johnson

That guy? No, what I did was grab him by the collar to make him think I was about to hit him. See they know our rules, they know we’re not allowed to touch them at all. So if I grab his collar, suddenly he’s not sure, he thinks I’ve gone psycho since I’ve just broken my own rules. The threat of torture works much better than torture itself.

aclu 1

So you admit striking a prisoner?

sgt. johnson

No, I just explained I never hit him, I just scared him into thinking I was about to.

aclu 2

Did you hear that? He admits he scared a prisoner! You are out of control mister!

sgt. johnson

For scaring him? –

aclu 2

Don’t you know scaring a prisoner is a cruel and inhuman form of torture? Next you’ll be telling us you played good cop bad cop!

sgt. johnson

Well on one guy we did. We had to get Rumsfeld’s personal permission to play good cop bad cop, since you lawyers won’t let us use regular police interrogation methods. I had a psychologist and two lawyers watching from behind the two way mirror to make sure the prisoner was not abused –

aclu 1

Wait, first you admit you actually played good cop bad cop? And now you admit Rumsfeld was personally involved?

sgt. Johnson

We had to get Rumsfeld’s personal permission on almost everything, we weren’t allowed to do whatever we wanted –

aclu 2

That’s enough, I’m gonna kill him!

(enter Red Cross)

Red cross

That’s ok, I’ll take it from here.

(exit ACLU 1 and ACLU 2)

I’m from the Red Cross. Sorry about those two. Here, have some water.

sgt. johnson

Are you here to help me? I think I need a lawyer, though I’m not sure why.

REd cross

Help you? … yes sure, I’m here to help you. I am a lawyer, yeah. But before I can help you, I just need you to tell me everything that happened. Did you ever pretend to be someone you’re not?

sgt. johnson

Well yes, on one occasion we had a guy come in and pretend to be from the Mossad.

red cross

I see. Ok, and did you ever threaten somebody with worse punishment if they did not cooperate? Like when a police detective says he'll talk to the DA to get a lighter sentence if the suspect talks?

sgt. johnson

We did some thing like that. We promised good or bad things, depending on if they cooperated or not. The thing is, even though we threatened them, we couldn’t follow through or force them to do anything.

red cross

Like what?

sgt. johnson

Like I couldn’t hurt them no matter what I said I might do. For instance when I made this one guy stand most of a day, if he refused and sat down, I’d have to let him, I couldn’t force him to stand. The rules don’t allow me to do that.

red cross

And did you inform him of that?

sgt. johnson

Well, no, that would let them know they had all the power. In any interrogation in the US the prisoner always has all the power, they just don’t know it. For common criminals, all they have to do is say "lawyer" and the interrogation's over.

red cross

So you made them dependent on you?

sgt. johnson

Yes that’s the basis of all interrogation, even police interrogations

(enter ACLU 1 and ACLU 2)

ACLU 2

I’ve heard enough! You are going to be put away for a long time!

red cross

Will you stop threatening him? Now Sgt. Johnson, everything will go a lot better for you if you just admit torture. I’ll even speak to the prosecutor on your behalf.

sgt. johnson

What? I thought you were my lawyer?

red cross

Did I imply that? Sorry I must have lied. Now please, admit what you did and the healing can begin.

aclu 2

Yeah, admit it or I’m gonna rip your head off!

(enter Federal Marshal)

federal marshal

Brock Langdon, Federal Marshal. You’re under arrest.

ACLU 1

He’s right there officer.

federal marshal

Not him you ninny, you three. For torture.

red cross

What? We didn’t torture anybody!

federal marshal

Let’s see, I have you on misrepresenting yourself, playing good cop bad cop, scaring him, promising better treatment if he cooperated … Oh, and you also tried to manipulate his emotions to make him dependent on you.

aclu 1

None of those are torture.

federal marshal

They are by your definition.

red cross

But you’re a cop! Cops do this all the time! It’s not torture!

federal marshal

Tell it to the judge

aclu 2

This is madness! He’s in the military! That makes him a war criminal! We have to go after him! I’m gonna get you for this!

federal marshall

Oh threatening a federal agent now, huh? Great that will add more time. All right let’s go!

(exit all but Sgt. Johnson, who takes sip of water, looks around, leaves)

Justice Department Defines Torture

2005-01-07T11:23:00.000-06:00

On Dec 30, Daniel Levin, acting chief of the Office of Legal Counsel, issued a statement for the Justice Department defining torture. "In 2002 we wrote a memo on the legal standing of mujahideen captured in Afghanistan. Our main point was not that we should torture them; but rather that, according to the Geneva Convention, these were illegal combatants rather than soldiers. Even professors Koh and Hutson, called before congress to testify against Gonzalez during his confirmation hearings, suprised Senators by agreeing with him that Al-Quaeda fighters are not POWs.

"That was when we realized maybe we needed a definition of torture, since people had different ideas. The Red Cross and ACLU said that being wrapped in an Israeli flag, being kept up late at night (which happens to me every time my neighbors have a party), or even just playing music was a form of torture, even going so far as to say it is 'inhuman.'

"Now if we're talking about Barbra Streisand, I agree, that is inhuman. But AC/DC? No way! I would love it if someone were to torture me by making me listen to them all day! Unless of course it was the Celine Dion version of You Shook Me All Night Long. That is torture, definitely ...

"Excuse me ...

"Excuse me, I just threw up a little in the back of my mouth ... "

He went on, "But what we really needed was something that stated unequivocally what torture is. We were really worried about the harm that might come to prisoners, not because we're worried about retaliation against US soldiers (they already get tortured when caught) but we don't want to violate our own law and torture these mujahideen, just because some only pretended to surrender, hiding weapons, or tried to kill us after they were captured - So we worked as fast and hard as we could to come up with concrete guidelines for our prisons.

"Some criticize us for taking so long, but we had a lot of work to do, and wanted to make sure it got done right, to protect both our soldiers and to protect the prisoners."

He indicated one of the office workers and said, "Jim here had an important task: he had to organize our annual volleyball tournament. That alone takes up most of the year, and since we have one every year, you can imagine he doesn't have much time for less important things.

"I personally had a lot of vacation time built up, and they told me if I didn't take it I would lose it, so I was forced to take the vacation time. That was about 80 days of vacation. Then the rest of the time I had other work, like organizing the annual bake off.

"As far as the rest of the team goes, they were busy training for the Justice Department's team we entered into the Eco-Challenge 'Law Enforcement Special.' So that took up most of the last two years for them. Hopefully all that training will pay off this year.

"So you can see, we had to work hard to make sure we were able to define absolutely what torture was. I'm sure all the prisoners in Guantanimo Bay will appreciate our detail orientedness."

Kerry Kicks Off Demoralization Tour 2005

2005-01-07T01:01:00.000-06:00

One of our reporters accompanied Senator John Kerry in his Demoralization 2005 tour, which started this week in Baghdad.

"What is sad about what's happening here now is that so much of it is a process of catching up from the enormous miscalculations and wrong judgments made in the beginning," he told the troops. He also accused the Commander in Chief of "horrendous judgments" and "unbelievable blunders."

"It indeed is demoralizing to the enemy that you're still here," he went on, "I can't believe so many of you are still alive; I thought for sure we'd have a 90% mortality rate, instead of the lowest mortality than of any war in history. But that doesn't mean it will stay that way. Mark my words, all of you will die if we don't stop Bush and Rumsfeld. Go US Troops!

"And since you will probably die, since our supply lines are so shoddy, and none of you have armor, look in the mirror now and tell yourself you deserve it. Because you are all war criminals. Even though we've had less civilians die in this war than in any other, that's not good enough. Yes that's right, because this is an illegal war, and you are all guilty and deserve to be punished. Go US Troops!

"In an effort to support the troops, I am lobbying to change the US military code of justice. No longer will the US military be allowed to shoot at people when they aren't looking. First the soldier or Marine must identify himself, stand up out in the open, and request the surrender of the so-called enemy. In fact, we will line up and fight in formation. That is the only honorable way to fight a war. I have also spent some of my own wife's personal fortune to buy handcuffs for you all, so you can wear them and the fighting will be more fair. Go US Troops!

"Let's rock out! Let's get demoralized! This is Demoralization 2005!"

Other speakers Kerry brought with him included Carol King of Pacifists for Soldiers, who said, "My organization is pro-military. We support our troops! That is why we help investigate any claim of abuse by the insurgents. We must assume the US military personnel are guilty and sequester them until the investigation is completed. This proves to the world our objectivity so they won't all hate us. We need to protect the good troops from the bloodthirsty maniacal civilian killers. Therefore, we are setting up a hotline here in Baghdad. Any insurgents that feel they have been oppressed by the US military can call our hotline and we will investigate it. Go US Troops!

"We also want to stop the despicable practice of taking photos of prisoners. This is tantamount to torture. In an effort to help out our soldiers, we also post pictures of our undercover special operations warriors, so that the Iraqi insurgents will know who they are. Going undercover and sneaking around breeds mistrust, which is not what we need right now, the Iraqis should know what our soldiers look like. Go US Troops!"

Bob Goldwinn representing the Quakers said "As you may know, we Quakers are pacifists. As pacifists, we cannot interfere in evil regimes oppressing people. But neither can we stand idly by and watch the US invade other countries illegally. With that in mind, we are proud to announce our partnership with Doctors Without Borders in a food and medical supply drive to help the insurgents, just like we gave medical aid to the North Koreans during the Korean War. After all, these are not bad guys, they just disagree with us. Go US Troops!"

"I'm really glad Kerry came," said PFC Brad Johnson of Alabama after the speeches. "I was starting to think things were going well, the people were for us and not for the terrorists, we're getting more recruits wanting to join the Iraqi Police forces, and we're about to have elections. Boy, I'm glad John Kerry set me straight."

"I was just thinking about how we have armor for our trucks," said Sgt. Todd Buster, "but I realized I should believe the media, not my own eyes."

"I was going to go home to my wife and kids," said Major Benedict Birmingham, "but how can I now that I know I am a war criminal? I didn't think I was, but now thanks to Kerry I know we all are. Well luckily according to him this was is a quagmire and we're all going to die anyway. Curse my baby killing hide!"

"Make no doubt about it, I support our troops," Kerry concluded, "I support you guys, the good guys. That is why I have to protect you from the bad among you, that give the rest of you a bad name, the ones that put their comrades' lives ahead of the people we're supposedly protecting. That's also why I voted against providing you with armor and equipment, because without it, the war will go worse for you, and you will get to go home sooner, well some of you at least, the ones that make it back. I'm doing this for you. Go US Troops!

"Woo hoo! Let's go! Demoralization 2005!"

Yanukovich Contratulates Gregoire

2005-01-06T01:07:00.000-06:00

Losing Ukraine presidential candidate Viktor Yanukovich called Washington State's governor-elect Christine Gregoire to congratulate her on her victory.

"I told her how vee all look up to her," he told us in an interview on his private jet on the way to Seattle. "Vee made a big mistake in my campaign. I hire consultants from Cicero, Illinois. They send me thugs that beat up voters for my opponent, Viktor Yushchenko. That proved to be very unwise move. Not elegant solution to make sure election turns out way it should.

"I really liked her use of lawyers to throw out election law. Also, when she was behind in votes, claiming voting irregularities, playing to fears of mud people. And now she is ahead in votes, asserting there are no irregularities. Brilliance, sheer brilliance.

"I only wish I had her subtlety. My ham hands in physically assault on voters did not pay off. I forgot this is internet age, every idiot has camcorder. I should have used lawyers to fight, like Gregoire, not fists. I go to Washington, Gregoire has invited me to assist her. One of first things I do when I get to Washington is outlaw camcorders. And also blogs, especially blogs. In old country, vee have vays of dealing with media. They know to stay in line, not to get too, how do you say, uppity.

"However, now she has a different fight on her hands, the time for subtlety is over. She has to get Republicans to shut up. Even some Democrats need to shut up. That is where I come in. With my Russian Legitimate Businessmen Club friends, we help Gregoire clean up Seattle politics. Make sure no one interferes with running of state. I will be lieutenant governor. Yes I know, she has not said so, but I will make offer she cannot refuse.

"I have much to learn from American politicians, how to fool people instead of beating them. When I go back to Ukraine, I will rule with iron fist, and people will accept me and love it. Democracy is beautiful, no?"

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